Boo Hoo I am unloved. No comments. I am going on strike.

worry and faith

I wonder if it's just a girl thing,

worrying.

Maybe men worry too but just about different things, or maybe they hide their worrying... or maybe they have to much common sense male logic to worry. Who knows.

I just know that I struggle so much with worrying. Worrying that Travis is working in the freezing cold on top of the roof of a building. Worrying that there is something wrong with the baby ( even though every test comes back with perfect results). Worrying about money, worrying that my house isn't clean enough, worrying about work, worrying about family that have issues.

And then I pray. And I let it go. And I hear his calming, soothing, wonderful voice resonate through my soul " It's all going to be ok." He always seems to tell me that.

He has given me so many promises about this pregnancy! He has given me so many promises period and they just amaze and flabbergast me.

The best part?

They always come true!

Every time, without fail.

He tells me to give burdens not meant for me to him, he tells me that things are fine, they are good, they are perfect...

And yet I still struggle with worry?

How ridiculous I must be! How insane, how silly! How little faith. What amazes me so much is that in the midst of my worry he continues to console me, to talk to me, love me, cuddle me in his perfect way. I don't trust him like I should, only the way that I can at the time... and he is so amazing that it's good enough for him that I keep listening and asking for his voice.

I am hoping that God keeps building my faith, he is so gentle with me! I think that listening to him will be the most valuable thing I have as I head into motherhood.

love

This picture of baby toes is at the exact stage of development that my baby is at! Isn't that amazing for a little cahoot barely over two inches! The ultrasound that I had went fantastic I was so excited to see the baby move and to see the little heart beating!

I think that as all of this happens in my body I am becoming utterly obsessed with motherhood! As much as I love all the people in my life, I already know no one will hold the same place that this tiny child will. It makes me think about God in a different way.

He's my Dad.

Not only did he wait for nine months to see the child that had been developing away, but he knit me together with his own hands! He decided everything about me! He created me from end to end! How INCREDIBLY much he must love me, no matter what!!

2nd prenatal

Another prenatal happened...

You know, the embarrassing one that includes hospital gowns, gloves, and stirrups... not the kind that you'd find in a saddle either.

I was a little nervous, but it seems that the more that I take God at his word and remember all that he has told me and promised me, the more blessed I realize that I am! It is amazing! I got the blood results back, apparently they decided to finish looking over the vials and vials of blood I gave. ( That was another adventure alltogether... The huge needle pushed into my vein, the vials taken, the slightly queasy, lightheaded feeling as I walked back out to the waiting room to meet my husband!) Everything was perfect. My blood type is a good compatible one, my hemoglobin was good, I am immune to everything I am supposed to be immune to.... all in all I am very healthy, and the HCG levels are right where they are supposed to be!

Then all that jazz happened, and she felt for my uterus, which is just the right size! Relief and joy swept over me! Joy of all joys everything is exaclty the way it is supposed to be! I am so amazed at the sheer power and delicacy of the miracle that is happening inside of me! At last my baby looks like a baby, though only a little over an inch long. It's little fingers and toes, nose and ears, are all perfect and just where they are supposed to be. In only three more days my baby officially passes out of the embryo stage and becomes a tiny fetus!

God is good, and I am so thankful that he answers my prayers!

Anticipation.

Anticipation.

I swear I both love and hate it. God must love it because it's like Christmas all the time.

First I waited for a husband... impatiently... he brought me the perfect one at the perfect time.

Then I waited to get married...a little worried... nothing went wrong at all during the whole day.

Then I waited to get pregnant... when I least expected it I saw two pink lines.

Now I am waiting for this baby and my stomach to grow... and I am finally learning to just take God at his word and trust him.

He is so good.

I am so excited to meet this little person, this person that is only an inch long inside my body.

This little one that is only really felt by me.

I can't wait to feel the first kick! I can't wait till the first time that Travis feels the baby kick!

I can't wait till my first ultrasound and the first time I hear the heartbeat!

There is so much to anticipate!

positive tests

Ahhh it's been a while again. Oh well. I don't have access very often anymore. I suppose everyone ( particularily anyone who would read my blog) knows that I am pregnant! I am so excited. In the first week that I knew I think I did seven tests and giggled all over again every time that they were positive. I am waiting with baited breath for the arrival of a baby bump!

My slightly bloated belly just isn't doing it for me just yet. I can't wait till I can't see my feet.

So many people have asked me " What do you think? Is it a boy or a girl?" Well I couldn't tell you, we haven't chatted yet. At first I thought it is a boy for sure, but then a little later when the actual organs would be forming, I started thinking girl... which is my current stance.

So it depends on whether you believe in gut instinct or first response ( girls I couldn't help the pun, they are the best tests after all).

So far it has been a glorious adventure! Yes, glorious despite the vomiting each morning ( which I have down to a science now) the pickled carrots, and the sleepless nights. I love to watch my dear husband as he pats my belly and says in his most appealing baby talk voice, " Hello in there, little guy!"

REally, I am most in awe of God. The fact that in eight short weeks of pregnancy he is forming a perfect little being in my womb. My baby already has it's own set of perfect individual fingerprints, a heart that is beating far faster than mine, kidneys, lungs, a little nose... I have a perfect being inside of me that is only half an inch tall! I keep remembering the verse from Psalms, " I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made" and another one, " For you made me trust in you at my mother's breast, from birth I was cast upon you, from my mother's womb you have been my God!"

I pray every day that my child is growing close to God even now in his or her spirit, that God is raising this child up to be his very own. And the best part... God would never say no to a prayer like that. I think he loves to create, and I think he is even more excited than me!!

eyes

My puppies opened their eyes these last few days. I was so excited. They are beautiful puppies, but when they open thier eyes, something magical happens... they become so much more beautiful.

I wonder if it's like that for God.

Over and over in the bible he says it.

Open
your

eyes.

Those who have eyes, see. Those who have ears, hear.

My puppies have eyes, but the moment they opened them, they began to see. They became more real to me, more responsive to me, more wonderful to me.

When we open our eyes to truth, do we become more beautiful, more responsive to God?

It must be true that we close our eyes at times, and like a puppy whose eyes aren't open yet, we wander around aimlessly. Is it because we don't want to see things the way they are? Because something is blocking them? Is it because sometime we aren't comfortable seeing things the way that they really are? I kind of think so. I know I have closed my eyes at times.

We know that for us, opening our eyes is like coming out of a fog that closed everything in around us, and once again seeing the wide expanse of earth that is laid out before us.

Is it, for God, like watching a puppy finally open their eyes to the beautiful world around him?

believe

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Maybe that's true. But it sucks. I find it hard to be away from Travis. I found out while I was home and my devoted Daddy took a look at my car that all of my tires were bald, my driveshaft was about to go, and there was a hole in my radiator. So... I am home for about three days longer than I had planned. I think that God stretches me that way because I am such a planner and when a wrench is thrown in my perfectly planned out days... I have to fight against freaking out!

But I still wonder about absence.

The bible says that right now we see through a glass darkly but one day we will see face to face. I wonder about that. Right now we are in the absence part.

It takes faith to be absent from someone that you love.

In marriage, it takes trusting yourself to be away from your husband, and trusting your husband to be faithful and the man that you know him to be while you are gone.

In our relationship with God, does it take trusting that both we, and he, is who he says that we are? I think it takes believing him that we are truly going to heaven. It takes a lot of believing. Maybe that is what makes our hearts fonder.

It teaches us to believe.

grief

I'm really struggling with the reality of death. I know I've written about it a lot but it's just so hard. Ami had her puppies a week ago, and about four days ago one of her puppies, ( the runt) was almost dead. So I started helping to warm him up and feed him. He has kept me awake for night feedings for the last four days. I did everything I could to help him.

Today he wasn't normal. I knew that no matter what I did he just wasn't going to get better. It broke my heart. Absolutely broke it. I hated it. And then, as I was holding him to warm his cold body up, ontop of a hot water bottle, he started gasping for air. I knew he was dying, and all I could do was hold him and stroke him and pray for him. It didn't take very long. He gasped. Then he panicked that he couldn't breath. His tiny little arms that he is so weak he never normally moves, moved in an effort to breath, to no avail. I held him as he took his last breath, and fluid came out his nose and his mouth. It was horrible. The most horrible thing I have ever experienced. His little chest stopped heaving, and within ten minutes he was stiff and cold. I kissed him. I stroked him. I bawled like I haven't for a long time.

We buried him in the back yard, under a saskatoon tree where I used to play. And I cried. He was mine. I loved him so much. I tried so hard. I greived like a mother. I turned to God. I know that Tim is in heaven. I know because God showed me. It's just horrible and I hate it. But God had to have a plan in it.

When I think about how hard I tried, and how little good it did, I have a whole new compassion for God. No one tries harder than him, and the death he tries to save us from is not breif.

Home...

I've been thinking a lot lately about missing home.

In fact, I've been thinking about the question, where exactly IS home? Is home where I came from, where my parents are, where I was raised and where the first horse that ever bucked me off still lives? Is it the spot in the Gillard quarter where we camped in our little camper for weeks at a time, and I got to play house for the first time? I set up the camper, fed the boys off of the little propane stove, picked berries, rode horses for hours and hours... and I knew every nook and cranny of that quarter.

Is home where I lieved in Red Deer, my first real house, my first escapade all alone? Is it where I first learned so many truths about God, and came running back to him as my first love?

Is home CLBI where I met my husband, learned so much about love, belonging, frusteration, and God?

Or is home where I am now, my beautiful new home with my husband, where I have the new role of a wife, and where God just keeps building my faith; where I will have our children, where I will learn to love and give, expect and balance. Is it the future that I have, the assurance that I am and always will be loved by the best man on earth?

Is home where the heart is?

Because my heart is in a million places! Sometimes my heart is in places I haven't even been to yet, like in Mexico, on a mission that I want to go on so badly. My heart is where I grew up, where I grew to, and where I am now. Home is pretty spread out if that's where home is.

But then I thought, where is my heart...

above all?

With God.

Wherever he is.

My heart has a home. My heart's home isn't here. It's at home when I know that I AM where God wants me to be.

Ulimtately, my heart is at home when it knows where it is going.

Heaven.

Literally.

camoflauge

" I am basically a good person."

We all know that as the buzz words of someone who does not want to just believe in God. It's the sophisticated shortcut, the way to ensure, that if there is indeed a heaven, you'll get in. Just be basically a good person.

What does that even mean?

Does it mean that you wash your hair, brush your teeth, and present a shining appearance before yourself, the world, and God?

Does it mean you give a few loonies to the guy at Salvation Army around Christmas time?

Does it mean that you've never killed anyone?

What I wonder is this... why are people thinking that they are the same as christians because they do a few good deeds? Are we really that camofouged? I mean, we all know that we are saved by grace, but do we remember that we are supposed to still do good works? We are saved by grace so that we will WANT to do good works. I wonder, do we do this? Or, do we do the same thing as everyone else, not admitting to ourselves that we are just trying to be " a basically good christian?" We need to come out of hiding. We need to be bold. We need to risk everything for Jesus. We need to reach that place where we are so close to God we know that we would willingly give him everything. We need to go beyond basically good christians and start trying to be Jesus. We need to open our eyes.

Come out of hiding, the sunshine feels good.

predictability ( enjoy the video)

So I am attempting to upload a video for my blog, something that I have never tried before. I wonder, will it work?I guess we will see. If any men actually take the venture and attempt to read my blog, sorry, this one is aimed at the girls. It's all about being beautiful, because that's what God is teaching me lately. Enjoy the scenery, and for those of you I've made famous ( meaning you are in the video) be blessed instead of outraged, ok?

I think that God has been making a point of showing me how unpredictable he is lately. For a long time i thought " Just find your niche, settle in, and things probably won't change for a while." I have found that God is just not like that.

I always wondered about Noah. I wonder if he looked at God and thought " Are you nuts? You told us to multiply and fill the earth; we are just starting to make a dent in filling it, and you want to kill everyone and start again! God, I thought that you didn't change!"

He doesn't.

His character is always the same.

But he likes to keep us on our toes.

" You really think that you have me figured out? The one who created all of the species covering land, sky, and sea? The one who makes each snowflake distincly different? The one who delights in the smallest things, and orchestrates the biggest ones? You really think that you have me in a nutshell? Well, lets see if you knew this about me!"

It makes him interesting. It makes him mysterious. It makes him powerful.

It makes him God.

So, why should I be surprised when he gives me a ministry, just to change it into another ministry? When he takes the biggest mistakes in my life and gives them a purpose? Why should I be surprised that sometimes he seems to contradict himself? He doesn't, he just sees a MUCH MUCH bigger picture!

God is unpredictable. It's interesting, because I have always said that I detest predictablity.

interact.

We serve a God that delights in teaching us through things that make us go " what?"

Something that I have discovered over time is that God uses the little things, the hard things, the difficult things to turn us to him. For a long time I have known this, but the second part of the process wasn't so readily visable just a little while ago.

You know, the part where we have to submit to it. The part where we have to look to God in the midst of our distress and say " Ok God what exactly are you trying to teach me?" I think that unless we reach that point in the middle of our frusteration and confusion, God will just keep on giving us the same lesson over and over again.

" What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly." Joni Erikson Tada.

We don't learn by absorption. If we did, I'm sure school and college would be a whole lot easier for all of us... walk in, absorb some knowledge, walk out smarter. No, we aren't created that way.

We are created to have to look for help. We are created so that we question and test and wonder, and finally, the light comes on; excited, stunned, and exstatic, we realize that we've got it. We figured it out.

We are designed to be interactive.

Marketting companies have had that figured out for years. Put a game on the end of a DVD. Invent a million kinds of video games. Teach interactively. Initiate conversation. Interact.

I realize that very often we don't interact with God. We notice the canvas of stars stretching across the sky, but we don't think to stop, thank him, wait for a response. We realize that we are going through something hard in our lives and that God might use it, but we don't go to him, asking him to show us what he is trying to teach us.

I think that we need to become a lot more interactive with God and a lot less passive about our relationship with him. I wonder how many more lessons he could teach us in a lifetime if we would look to him every time something hurts, and try to figure out what he is teaching us.

God uses the hard stuff.

When we let him.

beautiful

Lately I am struck with all of the beauty around me. The sunset that I can see from my window, the mountains that are visible, just their silouette on the far edge of the horizon. I notice the beauty in a pregnant woman's eyes, like she knows a secret that no one else does... like the mona lisa.

Sometimes the simplest things are beautiful. My husband's hands, calloused from spending the day making money for us; the old Lady walking around the market, every line in her face a precious reminder of the wisdom that she holds in her heart. There is so much around us that is beautiful.

And out of all this beauty, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

More beautiful than the sunset that streaks across the sky in blazing shards of orange, burgundy, sage, gold, and dark blue. Mor beautiful than the delicate petals of the rose that Travis brought home for me, to sit, just because it is so perfect, on my table for a while. More beautiful than the wide expanse of land that I can see from my window, the light gold wheat swaying in the wind. More beautiful than the rainbow that dashes across the sky, reminding us that God isn't going to give up on us.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am made by God. Not Leanardo DaVince, not Michelangelo, not Picasso... God. His works speak of the kind of artist that he is.

I am made in his very image.

He is refining me, like gold, like a diamond. I am becoming more beautiful every day.

Not because I try. Not because I wake up and put on makeup and do my hair. No. My beauty is something that is deep, rich, a secret that I carry within me, a smile on my lips. My beauty is not tarnishable. It is a quiet heart, it is a grain of faith, it is love in my eyes.

In the eyes of God, I am beautiful.

This should be every woman's song, the song that she sings in her heart.

little things

Sometimes it's the little things in life that just lift my heart... or affect my mood, whatever it is.
I notice so many little things about people. Today, I went to the library and looked through the books that are weeded out, and picked five, which costed one whole dollar. Honestly, who could leave behind the chance to get a literary wonder for only twenty cents? I didn't, however, have change for the books.

" Happy wedding!" The librarian said with a big smile, only three months late, and popped a loonie in the drawer.

Made my day.

Just a little thing.

Then I started to think about when I am wandering around IKEA by myself, waiting for Travis to get out of the bathroom. I bumped into someone, smiled at them, and said " Oh, I'm so sorry! " With all sincerity. She looked at me, scowled, and walked the other direction. Then, I said sorry to someone else when I didn't think I had done anything wrong. Again, I got the scowl and saw the back of her head.

Had they had too many icky little things happen to them? I wonder if they just stopped caring, stopped enjoying the little things, like a cheerful apology from a complete stranger in IKEA.

I thought that perhaps, I should pay more attention to the little things. The smiles, the flowers, the sunsets. God does a million little things for me every day. And then, when someone cuts me off in traffic, hopefully I won't scowl in their direction.

fights

I think that confrontation must just be a part of life. Today I told someone that I thought there was a distinct difference between lovingly confronting someone, and letting anger festure inside, or even take over outwardly. I hope that this is true. It seems to me that God has been taking me on a long road of learning to confront lately. I think I am finally starting to get a little bit more comfortable with it.

It is interesting to me, because Travis has been telling me for a long time that I need to start confronting people when they do something that offends me, or what I believe. Maybe he was sick of hearing about how frusterated I was. Or maybe he had a point. He is supposed to be my spiritual leader, so there must be something to what he says.

It really has been a lot of things lately that God has been calling me to confront. what is interesting is that God has not told me to confront anyone in the same way as anyone else. Maybe that is one way to know that it is God. He is a good trainer. He knows our inner workings. He knows that what would make someone like me cry, just might make someone else think a little bit.

I have also been learning to leave the outcome up to God. Trust must be something that we continue to learn our whole lives, because God certainly does not let up in teaching me trust. Maybe that is because I haven't learned the lesson yet, or maybe I have come a long way but I won't 'be there' until heaven. First I started to learn to trust God with issues in my own life. Husband, ( bravo God), Children ( hurry up God... oh, wait, I trust you), house, ( bravo God) and other things, come to think of it, He IS pretty darn trustworthy. After I learned to start trusting God with my life, he started teaching me to trust him with others. I have always had a hard time because I have worried about hurting others feelings, offending them, saying the wrong thing, or making someone not like me. God is teaching me now to say what he wants me to say, and leave the outcome up to him. It's harder than it sounds.

Interesting that this little course of events came after God taught me about the abomination of tolerance. I truly am starting to believe that speaking the truth in love reaps beautiful results, including much more freedom in me than when I stew inwardly with my concerns and difficulties.

I really do think that a clean fight when added to a healthy resolution equals intimacy. And the resolution does not have to come from the person. It can come from God and build beautiful intimacy with Him as well.

imitation.

God has been directing my thoughts about marriage lately. I think that God has made marriage a collage of so many parallells. I start think about marriage, and i end up thinking about the christian life in general.

I was reading Ephesians 5. There are so many parts of being a christian that simply aren't convenient, and sometimes I think that we throw them away, toss them far from our minds, banish them to who knows where.

Verse one says' " Therefore be imitators of God as dear children." What a way to start a thought process. We are to be imitators of God. I think about the times that I get mad at Travis, or I "slip" and say a swear word. I think about the times that Travis gets mad at other drivers or flips off his boss. These are not Jesus moments. When we do this we are not doing a good job of imitating Christ.

Imitating God means that we have to be like him. Just like him. We have to strive to do what he does, think what he thinks, have the same opinions that he does. This is something we do in private, or in front of others. We don't really have to strive to be a wittness, we only have to strive to imitate Jesus.

Tolerance is something that seems to have found it's home in the christian faith recently. In fact, tolerance is preached everywhere by christians and non christians alike.

" Sure I heard that she was drinking and moving in with her boyfriend, but I wont confront her about it.

Hmm. Interesting. The funny thing is, tolerance is not supported by scripture. Verses 5 and 6 say,
Let no one decieve you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them.

This does not sound like tolerance to me. i am forced to examine myself. How often do I pretend not to notice sin. God hates sin. I am sinning by ignoring sin.How often do I excuse someone because I donèt have the guts to say that what they are doing is wrong.

Jesus was a complex man. Learning to imitate him will take a lifetime. I am so excited to get started.

life

It's late, or should I say early. I don't know what possesses me to work where I am nearing the end of my workday at five in the morning. I must be crazy. AT least I brought my laptop. Interesting the way I have a cup of nasty old coffee, a half eaten peice of pizza, and a notebook and I feel compelled to write in my blog.

Wisdom? Perhaps not. Who really knows?

We lost someone else today. I am so afraid that I will become hard to it. To death, to loss. It seems so strange that one minute we are hugging people's bodies, caressing them, kissing their foreheads, holding their hands... and the next day; the next hour, they are gone. Their bodies are void of themselves. They are a shell. Empty. Their body does not give them any sort of satisfaction any longer. They don't even care about it anymore.

I just walked out of the nursing station and found someone peeing on the floor. He just stuck himself out the door enough to ensure that the pee did not land in his room, but all over the hallway floor instead, running down it in a yellow stream. I told him to go back to bed. He said ok, and then did. Interesting. I really have to admit that it is interesting. I wonder, am I simply become a better nurse, or am I in some way becoming cold, becoming distant.
e
But then I remember all of the kisses on the forehead, all the times that I have sang to them, all the times I have taken the time to make them tea. I am not cold. Perhaps I am just seeing life in one more way.

Makes me wonder how many ways God sees life.

washing feet

Sometimes I think that I am a morbid person. I don't think I really am... it's just that all of a sudden death is so close to me.

I guess death isn't close to me, personally, but all of a sudden I just can't ignore it anymore. It's close, not immanent, but close.

We've lost two people at work in the last two months. I was close to both of them. It's funny that you get so close to people who sometimes don't even remember who you are. Sometimes I really wonder about what causes dimensia. Every person that we have at work has some sort of story behind them, they were raped, they were abused... could dimensia be a stronghold running rampant? I really think so, because the more that I pray the more miracles I see.

We have one lady who is a vegetable. I have never even seen her lok at someone, let alone make any attempt to talk. One day I was changing her, and singing amazing grace. She looked right at me and said " Just keep singing." A miracle, right there.

We have one lady who really annoys most people. She scared the heck out of me when I first started. However, she talks about Jesus all the time. Finally I started praying for her, all the time. I started talking to her about Jesus, I started singing with her, praying with her, quoting scripture with her. I have never had trouble with her again. Now, when I walk in, she remembers me and gives me her prayer requests. Miracle in the works? I really think so. Not long ago she prayed for ME.

I know that life is a sequence of choices and opportunities. Maybe this is my opportunity to see what spiritual warfare on a whole other level is. Maybe this is my opportunity to wash the disciples feet, or their bums when they accidentally mess in their drawers.

I keep thinking of the scripture that says " If you give one of these a glass of water because they are mine, you surely will not lose your reward." and " Do not grow weary in welldoing." My job is taxing, but I really beilieve that it is where I am called to.

Washing the disciples feet.

Well, I suppose it is finally time to add to my blog. It's been ages and ages, but I finally got a library membership, aka access to a computer with high speed. Halelujah.

So, married life is merry. The house comes soon, which will be a really big relief for me. It seems like life has been kind of stressful lately, or at least that is how I feel. Maybe it's the combination of working with a lot of people who don't remember me at all, in a place where staff abuse is common place... ( I'll get into that more later), living with my in-laws, although I love them it will be far less stressful to have a house just to ourselves.

Or, maybe stress is when we rebel against God's plan for us. When I think to myself, ' the way this lady is swearing at me is crap!' instead of listening for just where he wants me in the situation. Just maybe. Or, just maybe it is because I get mad at invasions of privacy and differences in opinion instead of asking God, ' how do you want me to be an instrument here? What do you want me to do? What do you want me to learn?'

I'll let you know how it goes.

salmon

Only 30 days left. There is so much to be thankful for. I was praying today with Joyce, and God told me he would give us a home... and then when I got back Travis said that an apartment just became available and we can view it on Saturday. This excites me to a great Extent! I am so looking forward to having a home, with which I can bless my husband, and other people. I really hope that God blesses this! And I really believe that he will!

I find giftings funny. No matter how much you detest a person, when you look at them, shouldn't you be able to distinguish at least one gifting? I really think we should. When God created the world, he said several times, " It is good!" So, when he creates, things are good. He created each of us, we are each good. Of course, every one of us is corrupted by Satan. In order for our gifts to really shine, we need to dedicate them to God, so that Satan cannot reach or corrupt them. It is just neat to me how the seed to be great, and to be gifted is in each of us. God really does love to create.

It's funny, I was thinking about perseverance, and persecution. It seems like any idea that may be seen as a little radical is so easily looked down on by many, even Christians. I think this is really strange, considering that Jesus was radical. For example, many people don't like the idea of us homeschooling. We are homeschooling so that we can take our children out of a world that is SICK, corrupted, polluted, and discusting. In proverbs the bible says that " A companion of fools, a fool will become." It also says " Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child." So why would we set our kids up to be foolish? God is wisdom. Foolishness is opposite of wisdom. I think you get where I am going with this. I don't need to mention the sick stuff that goes on in schools, because anyone who hasn't closed their eyes to it knows exactly what I'm talking about.

The other radical thing that we are doing is choosing to have as many children as God will give us. This is a choice we have come to based on what we believe God has called us to do. We would never push it on anyone else, but it's what we believe, and yes, it means not using birth control ( which by the way is supposed to make sex way better and less distracted). We want to trust God with this. God is a God who loves to create. We want to invite him to do that. It is very clear through the whole bible that God is fully capable of both opening and closing wombs. God also says he will care for each of his children. I can see nothing but blessing from choosing to submit that part of ourselves to God, and inviting him to create an army from us. Trust has never been something Jesus looked at and scowled at. He never once said " don't give it to me just use your brain."

So really, I guess we're the salmons swimming against the current. But, my always questioning mind says " doesn't that mean we have something right?"

kittens and ponies

Ahhhh I really do love my life. After days and days of stress about finding a place to rent ( there are none in vulcan), we have gotten the most exciting news! We can live in a holiday trailer until we get a trailer put on the land that Travis's parents are giving us! I am so excited! A month ago the thought of living in a holiday trailer would have been daunting, but i think I am up for the challenge!

MOSTLY what I am so excited about is this land that we get! That means I can have my horse, and we can have our dogs, and I can plant a garden, and our kids will grow up on a farm!! I am so excited to go house shopping and find what we can put on our land! Really, just when I start yelling at God he always laughs at me and goes " You thought you were getting a kitten, princess? Well, here's your pony!"

marriage

I take thee, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance, and thereto I give you my promise.

With this ring, I thee wed, with my body, I thee worship, and with all of my worldly goods, I thee endow.

The book of common prayer, 1552.

The jewish marriage contract sounds like this, from the groom to his bride.

" Be consecrated unto me as my wife, according to the laws of Israel. I will love, honour, and cherish you; I will protect you and support you, and I will faithfully care for all of your needs." The bride then says to her groom, " In accepting this wedding ring, I pledge you all of my love and devotion, and I take upon myself all of the duties of a wife."

The closer our wedding comes the more I find myself thinking, " What is marriage?" And really, should I be able to answer this question best now, a month after I have said I do, or when we celebrate our 50th anniversary? What is marriage? Is it washing his socks for the rest of his life, buying him underwear when he runs out, ironing his shirts so he looks great as my cowboy? Is it delighting in cooking him meals forever, in washing the hair off the sink when he's done shaving, in making him cheesecake to fulfil his insatiable craving? Is it thinking of him before me when I go grocery shopping and buying more than just apples and yogurt?

There is so many chores to marriage. I see them already as a school going engaged couple. Soemtimes the frustrate me, but really, there is nothing that I would rather do than take care of him. I would never let any one take my place as the woman who makes his bed in the morning, strokes his head when he's sick, makes budget sheets with him, and serves him swiss steak.

Maybe that is the exact attitude that has something to do with marriage. Maybe that is what real love is. Live long enough and anyone realises that love is not comprised of attraction when the other person looks their best and butterflies in the stomach. Love is something of sustanence. Love is loving the other person when they are sick in a hospital bed and their head is blown up because of pain drugs. Love is when you say yes to doing something the other person wants to do, because they want to do it, even when you don't. Love is trusting the other person's decisions when you think you could have done better. Love is when you fight and yell and cry and never have a fear or a doubt about the other person's love or devotion for you. Love is walking hand in hand after a fight. Love is something you can only learn about when you're in it.

But i think to myself... that's only the beginning! The VERY VERY beginning. Then, is marriage about our first positive pregnancy test? When I still do his laundry and he runs to town to help my craving? Is it when I push our first baby out and he cuts the umbilical cord? Is it about the first time the little one says " mamama" or " dadada"? Is it about the first time we discipline, or when number two comes along? Is it about creating and raising miracles together?

or... is it about being united when they are teenagers? About standing strong as a united force?

or... is it about waiting till the grandkids come, and telling them stories, and still kissing in front of them when we are eighty, and we see the army of God that has been raised up just because we fell into love and married each other?

or... is it about dying, as the best of friends, knowing every thought and secret the other person has, knowing that we share the same God and the same major love, knowing that we are going to the same place........

or is it all of that?

dogs

Am I the border collie? I think about this. Mom is a stock dog trainer. How many people, ( not to mention dogs) don't understand what it is to be a working dog? They are different than any other kind of dog on the planet. They think differently. They usually don't even get along with other dogs, unless they are herders too. They have a specific job.

Not that other breeds of dogs don't have jobs. Imortant jobs. They all have to be able to snuggle with their owner, protect their family, sleep on the deck. Some of them run, some guide blind people, some hunt. They are all important. But... none of them understand the border collie.

I feel like I am the border collie. No one here understands me. I've tried to just be like every one else but I can't... I'm not. My giftings are just a little bit different. My heart has a purpose that is just a little bit different.

Can a border collie learn to survive with a group of labs? I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. Every day feels a little longer. I'm fighting depression. I'm longing for the freedom to run in a trial, and gracefully herd the sheep to where they are supposed to be.

Two months.

knight

Life really hasn't slowed down at all. I feel like all life does is pick up speed and leave me reeling, desperately reeling, trying so hard to catch up with it. Everyone wants more from me. I'm not spending enough time with the " community" I'm not available enough. I can't work enough shifts. I am not sharing my rock of a husband ( to be) enough. It's crazy. It's ridiculous. I want out of this bubble place, this fake, false existence.

Yesterday we got heck for hugging in public. In what strange phase of the universe to adults who are getting married get in trouble for hugging? I assure you, it was a completely appropriate hug. I laid my head on his shoulder. Sometimes I struggle with feeling like the world is out to get me.

BUT THEN, last night my hubby made me so happy it was unbelievable. Someone was accusing me of not trying to make new freind ships with the girls, and I was having a really hard time sticking up for myself.

So Travis did it for me. He told her that it is not my fault that the girls don't know what it means to be a realy christian and they talk about me behind my back. He said that I cry every night, so why would I want to spend time with the people who are doing this to me? He said that if anyone so much as blamed anything on me once more he would take what's left of our tuition and we would leave. He asked her why she would expect me to be the only vulnerable one in a room full of hypocrites.

He was my knight in shining armour! It was amazing!

good

Today is shaping up beautifully! Class was great, really encouraging. Although it was really hard to take time to study, I loved the way he taught and the simple, Godly principles in Proverbs. I esspecuially loved today when he talked about children and how many children are a blessing from God. Travis and I decided we want as many as God will give us! Why not trust him?

I'm looking forward to the weekend. Today we are heading out to see my grandparents, and tomorro I work early, at 7:00 am. Then Sunday we are helping a mature student here, Dave, move. All in all it should be a great weekend, and I am feeling encouraged and close to Jesus.

Good to feel good. Better to know everything is good.

gotta fix that.

So, life continues. It's not in a bad direction... at all. I love life. Today was a good day. Sometimes the mix of feminine hormones, and the stress of balancing ( or at least attempting to) school work, friend time, my relationship with my hubby, work, and the masses of wedding planning leave me feeling like the roof will cave in. But it doesn't. I keep going. Remembering that we only have 108 days until I am married, and will never have to share living space with 35 girls ever again, seems to help me maintain some amount of sanity.

Spats. Conflict. Controversy. I am not good at them. I put up a facade. A mask, if you will. The tough cowgirl. The one who can take on the world. I may be little but I'm strong. Then, I try to back up my big tough claims with a vast amount of picking tiny little fights. Silly ones. Giving someone heck when really it doesn't even matter to me. Or when the person doesn't matter to me. But when something really matters I have such a hard time. I would rather swallow the hurt and not say anything. So my anxiety builds. It eats me. I think I am so afraid of people not liking me, or of people loving me less because I actually stated my feelings, that I hurt myself.
I've gotta fix that.

109 days

So, I am slightly less angry now.
Funny what forgiveness does. I decided that if I pour myself into our wedding, the time will go faster.

Maybe I could make a scrapbook of both of our lives when we were younger... or something like that. There are lots of details to pull together. The time will pass. There are only 109 days left till I am Mrs. Schmeelke.

The problem with christians.

Twice in one day. I know. I'm ridiculous.

I'm just so damn tired of hypocrisy. This potent mix of hate, hurt, anger, resentment, and a desperate longing for someone to be real... for someone to understand... or even care instead of standing in judgement of me.

Honestly, what do they know? There is a tide of happenings that they know nothing of. They don't understand the relationship... mostly because they are not part of it, and thier selfish minds want to be part of everything. How can they expect that they would understand the depth of this relationship? It is God inspired. There are secrets that have been long buried, dusty parts of my heart that I have dared to expose to Travis. Because he is trustworthy. Because he comforted me. Because I know he loves me no matter what.

And then, they expect me to explain to them... but why would I expose the hurt parts of my heart to someone who will further tear it apart? If I showed them it was still beating, instead of urging it onward, encouraging it's bravado, they would squash it under their boot.

They say the problem with christianity is the Christians. The word Christianity makes me think religion. I hate religion. I love Jesus. The wonderful thing about people who love Jesus is that they begin, over time, to resemble him. Jesus was wild. Jesus was unorthadox. Jesus broke all the wrong rules and kept all the right ones. Jesus stood out enough to change the world for eternity. The problem with bible school is the amount of people who are simply Christians, but who do not love Jesus.

productiveness

So everything is coming along nicely!

We have the church, we have the hall, I bought my dress!

This weekend Auntie Julie, mom, Julie's boys, Klay, Heather, and , all finished making the invitations. I wanted them really personal so they were tons of work. We got them ALL DONE after many, many hours of utter slave labour! We sent them to my side of the family, now I am just waiting on addresses for his side.

Sooo, after all of this slave labour we went shopping and I wound up enlisting help to get all of the favours done too! That was so exciting and the biggest relief to me. There is so much to do, but everything off my plate makes a huge difference. Invitations and favours were really stressing me because of money and time issues. One intense weekend and we have them totally dealt with! That is awesome! Thank you so much to everyone who helped!

We're trying to get some more details down pat, like the band vs. a DJ and all that jazz. I'm making little pictures for people and Travis will be in charge of the heavy duty stuff, anything made out of horseshoes or barn wood. He's so creative and good at it, I'm excited to see what he comes up with.

Elli is home from Peru now, so I have to clean up my mess and share my room again. Actually it's been pretty tidy because if I don't have at least some organisation I am honestly going to go nuts.

Please pray because there is a lot of gossip going on right now and I am finding it really hurtful. Pray I don't bash people's faces in. Just joking, please actually pray for strength and forgiveness, and that maybe someone in staff would address it. Pray that I could just let it roll off of my back instead of taking their issues personally and getting hurt by them.

Thanks I love you guys

Changin'

Looks like things are changing again!

We are thinking very seriously about moving the wedding to may long weekend, hopefully we can get the church and the hall for that date.

Because of this, things will have to move along pretty quickly! There's going to be lots to do, and I am so excited! I'm just praying that all of the pieces will come together in time, and it will work. Otherwise we are going to have to stick with October.

Tim Hortons

Ahh the changes that life brings our way! I recently made a brand new e mail account! travisnchandie@hotmail.com is our new wedding/joint e mail account, so we can send updates on together life, and get addresses and stuff. If you read the blog, add us!

Other than that, I just started working at Tim Hortons! Yesterday was my third full time shift. Yesterday was Saterday, and I was there at 7:00 in the morning! It was CRAZY! For the most part I loved it so much!

There was this really elderly looking lady, who had a strong english accent, who both amused and annoyed me. The line up was out past the door, and this little lady took her sweet time about ordering.

" Hello Dear what can I get for you?"
" I want a coffee" Her english accent is slowed down by the way she carefully punctuates each individual word.
" What size would you like dear?"
" A coffee."
" I'll make that a medium then. Would you like anything in that dear?"
" Of course I do." She looks at me through her droopy eyelids as though I am the reason that people on the earth are just so damn daft.
" What would you like in your coffee, maam?" By this time I am too annoyed to call her dear anymore.
" Milk. And a sugar. Not a cream, mind you, but milk. Just enough milk to fill the cup an eighth of the way." So, I hurry to grab her a china cup with a coffee with a milk and sugar. I set it carefully on the tray in front of her.
" Did you put your fingers around the top of the cup?" Every word is still slow and EVER so english.
" I'm not sure, maam, I don't think so."
" Well if you aren't sure, I want another coffee." By this time the lineup has doubled and I can see angry business men who are in a hurry, and sincerely believe that it is my fault everything is taking so long, scowl and tap their toes. I make one more coffee.
" Can I get anything else for you dear?"
" I want a tea."
" What kind of tea?"
" An earl grey tea."
" Ok, would you like anything in that tea?"
" No!" She again looks at me like I am Satan's spawn. " Just regular!" So I make her an earl grey tea. She took one look at it and I thought she might empty her stomach on my counter.
" Don't you know you ALWAYS put milk in earl grey tea? I want a new tea." So I rush to make her A NEW TEA.
" Anything else for you, maam?"
" I want a dutchie timbit." So, I get her a dutchie timbit.
" THAT"S NOT A DUTCHIE!" She scowls at me!
" It's a dutchie timbit, dear."
" I want the big one!" So, I grab her a doughnut, and ring her order through.
" Is that what it costs?"
" Yes dear."
" Well, that's RIDICULOUS!" Her voice reaches a high pitched screech I didn't know was possible.
" I'm sorry I don't make the prices, dear."
" Well!" She huffs as she grabs me a five dollar bill, and I give her the change. Then she stands for about five minutes, simply counting each penny of change to make sure I didn't steal from her.

I should have spit in her coffee.

busy busy

So I started writing a new book today. Finally, the one I've been thinking about writing all this time and just haven't actually started yet. I'm calling it ' Soul Ties, the journey of one heartbroken.' Hopefully it will be decent! If I never do anything with it... I'm ok with that. Just so long as I get to write it; get my thoughts on paper. I like to do that.

I did orientation at Timmy ho's today. It was pretty neat. I got to drink some free coffee ( hooray!), and learn a little bit about the franchise. Sounds like it'll be a pretty good job for a while. I'm just excited for the extra income. Well... and maybe the coffee.

It'll be interesting trying to balance time with my honey, class time, work ( about 25-30 hours a week), homework, and of course, sleep. Hopefully if I am disciplined it will work well. I guess learning to be disciplined is a good idea anyways.

Well, speaking of discipline, I should go do hooommmeeework.
Love ya all

I got the job!

So, one more week at bible school has begun! This week we are taking missions, and I actually think I will enjoy the class. The instructor asked us to write a 2000 word paper. I got really excited because that sounds like english! I miss the challenge of good writing, precisely done. Hopefully the book we are supposed to write the paper on is decent!

I am thinking that after we move to Lethbridge I might decide to take some journalism over the net. I really do love writing. I don't know if I am that good at it... but one can always improve I suppose. It's something I can do to make a little extra money while I homeschool our kids, and hopefully I will be able to tutor other homeschooled kids as well! Joyce told me that she thought it would be amazing if I did... and I talked to Travis about it. He was really encouraging. Maybe I should?

Also... I GOT THE JOB! Hooray! I don't know why I was so worried about it, maybe because I was up front and told the owner that I will only be able to be here until April. But she is starting me tomorro. The money will help a lot, and as much as I love school, I am really looking forward to the chance to get away and spend some tme somewhere else on a regular basis.

God is faithful, always! Hooray again!

blessings

Ahhh, mostly a lazy sunday. I have an interview at 5:30, so hopefully that goes well, and then I get to go on a date with my fiance! It's wonderful! I have my fingers crossed about the whole interview thing. It will be so nice to have a little bit of extra cash!

This whole money sharing thing seems to come really easily. I love having someone to share stuff with. It isn't that I want to have his... not at all. I am just really enjoying being able to talk to Travis about it, decide things together. I like being able to hand him my money and know that he will take care of it. Or I love knowing that if I need anything he will take care of it. There will be so many wonderful things about the sharing aspect of marriage. I am really looking forward to that.

So I think that I found my dress. It is seriously absolutely beautiful. I was so worried abount money stuff, that I wouldn't find one that I like that I could afford! But yesterday mom and I went shopping, and this dress was hanging on a rack in the bridal boutique. It looked gorgeous so I tried it on. It is exactly what I had in mind. Absolutely beautiful. It has a fitted top, with laces up both sides, and a bottom that is just slightly poofy, and has little gathers in it. I fell in love with it. Esspecially when they popped a tiara and veil on my head. I still felt a little bit like I was playing dress up. They wanted to help me with everything! The dresses are heavy, so I wanted mom to come and do the zipper up for me. Instead the lady who owns the boutique came in and zipped it up! I was like " Ahhhh I've got skimpy underwear on here, lady!" But she didn't seem to care too much. Anyways, we will go shopping in Edmonton to see if I find something better. But... I have a funny feeling that's the dress.

God has funny ways of looking after us in every way you know. When I sit back and look at all the little details in my life, the stuff I didn't think God would care about.... that have been perfectly taken care of; I am absolutely amazed! First off, of course, there is Travis. God could not have possible given me someone more perfect for me. He is amazing. He fits with me, with my family... he has a firm faith in God, he cares about me so much. The list really could go on and on. Then there is his family. I was SO nervous to meet them! They are amazing! I want his sister to stand up with me! I am so excited! I love his whole family, each and every one of them! Then, there was the dress. I was so worried because everyone was telling me the only way I could get one under 1000 would be second hand. I found one that we can afford that is perfect and brand new! Then, there is little things. Like we were having a little money issue and I wanted a date night! Well, I asked mom for a little loan and it turns out that I had almost 100 dollars I didn't even know I had!

God is just one hundred percent amazingly faithful!

Havier

Writing a third time, really, does this mean that I am retarded or something?
I mean really! But something somewhat humourous happened, and I thought you all might find it interesting.

I am skipping school for the day tomorro, going with Heather tonight to a hockey game. I texted Travis while he was at work, asking if this plan would be ok with him. Apparently the T9 setting on my phone typed out heather as Havier. So when I didn't get a text back from Travis I phoned him, and the first thing he said was " Who's Havier? Who is this guy?" I laughed my head off.

The poor guy! He had thought that I was going with some random guy for the weekend! Like, what kind of horrible fiance am I? I let him know that I really meant Heather and I love him to peices and would never go somewhere with some random guy for a weekend. lol great scott of all things.

venting while doing homework

Ahhh twice in one day. Perhaps for me writing is an escape from the harsh reality of homework. Lots and lots of homework. Not that I don't like looking up five million verses...

mmmmm I lied. I don't like looking up five million verses. It becomes drudgery. ultimate, sheer drudgery. And why would I want reading the bible to be drudgery?

So, as childish and immature as it might sound, I came up with a way to keep myself slighty motivated. I read a chapter in a book every time I get another one of the endless pages of homework done. It even works! I am one page away from finished! Hooray for me!

The book is kind of interesting. It's one on marraige ( go figure... and I AM NOT OBSESSED) ( see I am going crazy, now I argue with myself.) It's called daze of our wives and the writer is hilarious. It's wonderful to find some comic relief with a small amount of wisdom weaved in. So far it won't change my life... but it will give me a little break from the homework that is desperately trying to change my life.

I mean really, do I want my life changed? Maybe I am happy with it the way it is? Does no one realize that my life may have already been changed... and to have another large, 180 degree change would be a bad thing? Does no one think of these things? I mean, great scott, really!

So I found this quote that I liked from this book. " A great marraige is not when the perfect couple comes together. It's when the imperfect couple comes together, crazy for each other,and learns to accomodate, and even come to enjoy, thier differences." I like that quote. It eliminates the illusion that you have to be "perfect" or even " perfect for each other." I think that you need to have unshakeable committment and freedom to be yourselves... knowing that is safe with the other person. You need to have room to be imperfect... and you need to give the other person that same room.

So I am continuing to enjoy "almost married life" while attending bible school. I still haven't heard back from Tim Hortons about the job that I so desperately want. It's not that I'm greedy, really, it's just that I need money. I suppose it has only been two... wait... one and a half days. I'm sure they will get back to me.

We decided to get this band for the wedding... I wasn't sure about the band idea but maybe that's because I haven't heard them yet. They'll cost us about 800, which really scared me... to the point where I was going to say no. But then everyone else says they'll be great and make it really personal. After all we only get to live this day once. So we are getting the band. I'm pretty sure that I am excited about this.

Today I picked up this book called " Men are like waffles, women are like spagetti." It's not that I feel like I don't understand Travis. I think I do. I'm used to guys. My whole life I have been the girl with all the guys. But maybe ( and this is probably wishful thinking) it will help me to understand what the heck spagetti ( me) is supposed to look like. I can only try. But maybe I am really weird and I am more meatballs than spaghetti. I guess I will find out.

We looked at some real estate in Lethbridge yesterday. I actually got pretty excited. It looks like we could get a cute little old two story house, with a claw foot tub and hardwood floors; with three bedrooms and two bathrooms, for about one hundred grand. That is a lot cheaper than anywhere else! That's exciting! I love old houses!

Well, I have multitudes of homework to try and finish. Up till now I have been ahead but today I have a headache and I slept through class instead of doing my homework while pretending to listen to the instructor. oops. No really, don't judge me. You'd probly do it too.

relationship

So we are all snowed in. It's taking some adjusting to get used to school again. Actually it seems really boring right now. I've been too disciplined and have actually gotten everything done early so now I have nothing to do.





The whole relationship in CLBI thing is a little bit rough. Not that people are being difficult, on the contrary they are rather amazing. But really, it's hard to keep a balance between friend and community time, and time just being together and building our intimacy up. I guess each day is another adventure. Everything will change sizeably when we leave school and start working. I am living with his parents during the summer so that will be a growing, learning, wonderful experience.





Other than that, class has been interesting. Funny the little things that come to the surface that I relaize I need to deal with. For example, I had no idea that I had an issue with baptism until we started talking about it. I wound up crying, talking about whether or not infant baptism was right. I realized I had a hurt in my life from things that had been said when I was only six weeks old. Once I got that out and dealt with, I realized God will honor whatever we decide to do with our children, as long as we are honoring him. Like Andrew said, " You can eat pizza with a fork or with your hands, but your still going to get the pizza." Well said.





I guess I am trying to assess my relationship with God right now. I need to be more disciplined in spending time with him. He always meets me when I do. I am always enriched and never disappointed, yet sometimes I seem to postpone our meetings. Perhaps this is simply the work of the enemy. Most likely. God just never ceases to amaze me. Every time I dig in scripture I find something that encourages me, challenges me, and spurs me forward. How could anyone be so faithful?

So, amongst all of the joys of looking at wedding dresses, applying for jobs, running out of ink for my printer, and living with tons of adopted family... I am still getting to enjoy enriching my relationship with Jesus. Pretty exciting.

officially engaged

Hey guys, I guess it's been a while since I have updated you!

I am officially engaged!

Wedding date is October 20th! We are getting married in Vulcan at the Evangelical Missionary Church. We'll have a dance afterwards at the CRC. I'm SOOO excited! We were kind of thinking that we would wait a while, but the more we thought and prayed about it the more it seemed right to do it right away. After I met his family ( and fell in love with each and every one of them), I knew even more how right it is. I loved his mom ( she's bananas, in a totally good way). His Dad is amazing and I love his sister and brother. Kolby is standing up with me. I'm really excited to have a little sister for the first time in my life. She's going to be sixteen soon, so I think that having a big sister type influence in her life will be a good thing. I know I appreciate Travis' influence in my brother's lives.

The official date of engagement was October 19th. We went and picked out the ring ( where is a secret everyone so stop asking), and he put it on my finger. Afterwards we realised that he hadn't proposed so we went outside and proposed on one knee with a sunset in the background. It was perfect.

So soon I will be Mrs. Schmeelke. It feels so cool. Weird a little bit. But really cool. I am so excited and so ready. It will be amazing. God is so awesome!