grief

I'm really struggling with the reality of death. I know I've written about it a lot but it's just so hard. Ami had her puppies a week ago, and about four days ago one of her puppies, ( the runt) was almost dead. So I started helping to warm him up and feed him. He has kept me awake for night feedings for the last four days. I did everything I could to help him.

Today he wasn't normal. I knew that no matter what I did he just wasn't going to get better. It broke my heart. Absolutely broke it. I hated it. And then, as I was holding him to warm his cold body up, ontop of a hot water bottle, he started gasping for air. I knew he was dying, and all I could do was hold him and stroke him and pray for him. It didn't take very long. He gasped. Then he panicked that he couldn't breath. His tiny little arms that he is so weak he never normally moves, moved in an effort to breath, to no avail. I held him as he took his last breath, and fluid came out his nose and his mouth. It was horrible. The most horrible thing I have ever experienced. His little chest stopped heaving, and within ten minutes he was stiff and cold. I kissed him. I stroked him. I bawled like I haven't for a long time.

We buried him in the back yard, under a saskatoon tree where I used to play. And I cried. He was mine. I loved him so much. I tried so hard. I greived like a mother. I turned to God. I know that Tim is in heaven. I know because God showed me. It's just horrible and I hate it. But God had to have a plan in it.

When I think about how hard I tried, and how little good it did, I have a whole new compassion for God. No one tries harder than him, and the death he tries to save us from is not breif.