So I have been musing again...

I was thinking about homeless people. Sounds like a category but I don't mean it to be. I know that they are as different from each other as we are.

When I was with Grandma, in Edmonton, taking her to and from the clinic for her surgery, there was a couple of homeless men that stood outside of the building. One wore a sign around his neck " money for food," the other just stood there, saying hello to everyone who walked by and almost blocking the sidewalk off.

I would have given the one money, but he chose an unfortunate spot to beg... everyone already used all their change on parking, five loonies an hour. Of course, I politely said hello to the other one, as I walked past.

That's when I became a little horrified at myself. I had this overwhelming fear that he was going to choke me from behind, and I felt like breaking into a solid mad dash. Perhaps this is because of the time when I was working, and one of our dimensia patients choked me hard from behind. I'm not sure. But I don't know why all of a sudden this fear just seized me.

It seems to me that no matter how hard I try not to let them become marginalized in my mind, they still are to a point. Although I want them to meet Jesus, I want them to have good food, I plan on volunteering when I can to help them... I still see them as a little frightening, esspecially when I am walking with my just operated on Grandma, and my tiny unborn child. I just want to pray about this, and I know that God will lead me to see it the way that he does.

That's what I want, and not just for homeless people. How often do I walk by someone and judge them... wrongly.

I just want to see people the way that Jesus does, to be loving and cautious, wise as a serpent, but gentle as a dove.

2 pound chiuauas

Preparing for a new life... that's what I feel like. No... not what I feel like, what I am doing!! It's amazing, surreal, strange, wonderful, excellent, frightening, invigorating, exhausting, exciting, and completely overtaking.

It feels like there is just nothing in the world quite as important as this baby and it's arrival into the world. Perhaps that is silly. There are a million babies that are born every day... but none of them are mine. None of them were created in my body by God. None of them have been for me, the world's greatest surprise... this tiny person wrapped ( of all things) in my own body for nine ( but really ten) long, long months. It's the biggest miracle, the greatest gift, and it is happening from me... from the person that I love the most... in me. It is indescribable. So strange and yet so wonderful at the same time.

Picture a 2 pound chiuaua. That is the approximate weight of my baby right now. Picture that it is jumping around in your tummy, sleeping, waking, moving. As excited as I am about it, it is certainly a strange sensation!

Anyways, this is my most recent ponderings on motherhood!

stability

It's been a while since I last wrote! Not having internet at home probably makes that kind of difficult. Life hasn't changed much in the last while... maybe the only thing that has changed is that I am getting used to the way that things don't... change.

I guess when I was younger there was always another hill to climb, another milestone to reach, another year older meant so much. Finish school, move out, first kiss, bible school, marriage, pregnancy. I was always on the move, always living somewhere else and thinking about how things would change... and they did.

Funny isn't it that stability is something that you actually have to get used to. I think that is what it is. Stability. And things will change again... in three months I will be holding this new baby in my arms, and there will be a whole other being in this world because God loved me enough to trust me with it. But no matter what changes from now on I will always have stability.

I think it is interesting that despite ourselves, God gives us what we most need and most desire. I wouldn't have even known how to find stability for myself, but He did, and He knew how incredibly much I needed it. So he sort of dropped it in my lap and said " ok, here you go, now what do you think of that?"

I am slowly becoming acustomed to the idea that everything is ok. Today, yesterday, tomorrow. God has looked after it all.