life and death

Is it bad to be a christian who doesn't entirely understand death?

Not that I haven't seen it, heaven knows from the time I was tiny the intricate workings of life and death became very apparent to me. Sex was the bull and the cows making calves. Death was the stillborn calf that we tried to ressusitate, the baby birds I tried to rescue, the horse Dad had to shoot, the precious puppies who took too long to be born, who we worked on and worked on until breath left them forever. Death was the abandoned premature piglet that we bottle fed with a baby bottle until it got pnemonia and died. Death was everywhere. Death was as much a part of life as the babies that were born and healthy, sputtering and breathing in thier first breath. Life and Death, Death and Life.

But lately it's just hitting me. It started when I held little tiny Tim, as he struggled before death claimed him, still warm in my hands. Then my Auntie Erna died, and I cried as I wore the slippers that she had knitted and slept in an empty bed in her empty house. Then the dog that I had grown up with, Jill, finally passed away. Just as we seemed to be " moving on" ( isn't that what we are supposed to do?) My uncle Lorn passed away. Two precious people, only four and a half months apart. Then I found out that my favourite person from where I used to work died.

I think the part that frightens me is that I don't know how to respond... I feel guilty when I'm not crying, I feel silly when I am crying. I know that Jesus has taken them all to be with him, that every struggle in their life is over, forever, finished. It's just hard to comprehend that they are here... then they are gone. My mind races and I worry... how can I handle the rest of the people that I am sure to lose in this lifetime leaving? The thought terrifies me...

It makes me think of Cory Tenboom getting on the train... and her father's wisdom.

" Cory, when do I give you your train ticket?"
" Just before I get on the train."
" So it is with our wise heavenly father, he gives us what we need for what we are going to go through just before we go through it."

Perhaps I need to just relax and rest in God, knowing that it's ok, he will give me the strength that I need, just before I need it.

I need not be afraid of death, and if I am, I just need to reach higher for his almighty, comforting hand.