a touch of class,

We're doing welcome back weekend right now. All the alumni are here for the weekend, which is cool because there are lots of cool people, I just feel a little bit overwhelmed! There are so many people that I don't know in the place that I now consider home!

This week has been pretty draining emotionally. The last couple of days God started to build back up some of the walls that he had broken down, which was really nice.

My dependance on coffee has certainly increased! It's pretty exciting! I love coffee. Speaking of which I might go get some....

I am singing one of my songs tonight for our coffee house. I am nervous but I have an amazing band backing me up so it will be amazing.

Alex and I decided that we are going to have an evening here called " a touch of class," where we do classical music and jazz and dress up. We always agree on the point of class lol, we are so similar that way it's hilarious. I get to sing some jazz!!!!!

Jericho

Ahhh. Walls. All of my walls are being broken down.
It hurts. It hurts in a good way, and it is certainly something that I prayed for, but it still hurts. All of those deep areas of my heart, the ones covered in cobwebs, Jesus and I are uncovering and dealing with.
I am getting clean.

I am learning so much about prayer. Jesus is so real, and I think when I ( or we, whatever) pray, so often we don't really SEE that God is there. There are so many more ways to pray than simply saying " Dear God, thoughts, amen." That is important, but there is so much more to it than that. Listening is so important. I have been learning to be silent, all alone. Silent in my heart as well as my surroundings, and inviting God to speak to me. Listening is amazing. If I don't listen for a while every day, I miss it miserably.
Then last night I learned a new way to pray. I was having trouble seeing where God was in some situations, I felt abandoned. There had been a hurt in my past that had set me up to feel abandoned by God when the situations seemed to declare it.

Lael and I prayed until two o'clock in the morning. I closed my eyes, and we asked Jesus where he was. She asked me questions to help me go all the way back to the memort, remembering smells, and all the little details. When I asked Jesus, I could see him. I could physically see where he was the whole time. He was always there. Praying with me to the father, grieving for me, protecting me. He never once abandoned me. That was such an amazing discovery! The more I realize how to use my sacred heart to see Jesus, the more time I can spend with him in that way, past and present.

Today I prayed with Pastor Kevin. We worked through a lot of muck that had been there. He was such a blessing to me in the way he prayed knowing what he was praying about. All of our giftings are so amazing and I have found that you can really tell which instructors "get it" with all of their hearts. Kevin really does. While we prayed he said that I had a gift of healing and teaching ( healing meaning in the heart/spritual/emotional sense) he said that I have a gift of knowledge of the word of God, and that it isn't anything but that, a gift! It's mine! I found that really exciting because that is all stuff that I want to cultivate in my life.

All in all, my walls are being crushed like Jericho, but it is amazing. It is worth it. Every minute like this is worth it.

I am really hoping that a few people ( mainly Heather) can come visit me here!!! It is so wonderful!

journeys

Ahh the journeys that God takes me on.
Journeys of brokeness, restoration, pain and healing. He really is an emotional God. Sometimes I think that we separate ourselves from our emotions, and that isn't good. He didn't!

We did something last Thursday and Friday called a " 24 Hour Solo Time."

It was amazing! God and I had this little argument about it, I said " Nope, not going. There is no way I can spend that long by myself in complete meditory silence." He said " Yes, you are going. I need some alone time with you to talk about stuff. I am not a silent God, but I want you to be quiet for a while and listen to me."

To make a long story short, he won.

It was the most amazing 24 hours of my life. Instead of feeling isolated, I spent the whole time feeling like I was jealously guarding my honeymoon time with my lover. Had someone tried to talk to me I would not have been receptive.

God and I have been talking about releasing things. I have heard it said that releasing something to God means holding it with an open hand, instead of keeping a deathgrip on it. It means holding it so that he can take it away at any time.

Close, but not dead on.

What I have learned is that I need to give it up completely, release my hands from it in any manner shape or form. I need to give it to him, and then he will do with it what he wants. This requires trust. I would think that trusting the God of the universe would be easy. From a theological standpoint, it should be.

It's not.

Trusting God means letting go of everything important, and saying " Okay, you can take it away if you want. I don't need it. It is myy hearts desire but it isn't as important as you are." Not so easy to say when something matters to you.

So, finally I grasped this concept. I gave up. There was something in particular in my life that I gave up. Freedom.

Which is interesting because we are now studying living free in Christ...

a lil update

Ahhh the college days fly by. . .

It seems that nights with four hours of sleep are becoming normal,
and life revolves around those endless essays that need to be submitted;
They are never done before midnight.

God has been really working on my heart, my intimacy with him is my number one passion right now. I bought myself a new TNIV study bible, and I am amazed at how much of it is already highlighted. I find myself guarding that alone time with him with my life. The words that he says to me are so precious. No one can give me peace the way he can.

Of course, there is someone else who I also guard time with.

No. . . we aren't officially dating...

....
....
Yet.

We aren't allowed.

I think that I am a little bit crazy about him though. Okay maybe a lot crazy about him. I have never been this close to someone before. I can tell him anything and trust him to listen, speak truth, and be honest. He is awesome!
God will direct us in this. If it doesn't work, I will be okay, but I hope it does work.

I will never go to a normal concert again.
They are waay overrated.
I went to an opera house to hear a finnish a cappella group called rajaton ( riot-on) on Tuesday. Their music was perfect. Their timing was perfect, their pitch was percet, their tone was perfect. It was amazing.
Not one single person was out of place there, there was practically no alcahol involved.
Anyone who came to this concert came because they had a genuine understanding of quality music. Everyone was dressed up.
It was so classy!
I loved it, probably the best musical moment of my entire life!
Human music in it's purest form.