Well, I haven't written in this for a long time... Perhaps because I thought it a lonely place to write. Now that I know it isn't so lonely after all, I suppose I will be more motivated to write again.

Thinking of writing made me think and wonder what really is going on in the depths of myself? Sometimes I think mommies and even wives just don't have time to think about that. I suppose I have been contemplating motherhood. It is beautiful, even when it means getting up at 1:00 in the morning, getting huge, throwing up all day, and wiping bums and runny noses. Still, in my mind there is something beautiful about motherhood. However I do feel that the beauty of it sometimes is slightly obscured by the curse of it. Not to point a finger at eve, for I am sure I have sinned worse if there are worse sins, but that pivotal moment where we were all cursed with pain in child bearing, has more weight in my life than I ever expected.
I always wondered (before having a child) how the curse worked when we have the blessed needle in the spine, narcotics, and so many other forms of pain relief in childbirth. But then, I learned by experience. Child bearing includes far more than just the birth. It includes having the flu for three whole months, feeling utterly dreadful but still needing the perform as wife and mother. It includes feeling huge and unattractive in later months, wondering if you will ever look pretty again. It includes the intense fear and questioning, "will my baby be healthy? Am I doing everything the way I am supposed to?" it includes the fact that no amount of help for the pain fully alleviates the sheer work, and pain, and aftermath of childbirth. It includes the way your stomach drops before you hear that precious baby cry, and then every cry afterwards is a heartache to you, every tear, every time they are sick, scared, hurt, lonely, your greatest desire is to make it all better.

But as always, God is so good. He gives women this huge undertaking. This immense commitment, not without immense reward. For there is nothing that makes me feel closer to my creator, than having life growing within me. There is nothing that can compare to holding my precious child for the first time. No joy in life could ever compete with rocking my child to sleep. That is the way God is. He wouldn't hold back his blessings even as he brings forth hardships. He is faithful. He is good.
Most of all, as the father of all things, who have his only begotten son to DIE for us... He knows exactly what each of us as mothers is going through. Perhaps it is the vague and imperfect reflection of him in us, that still makes motherhood beautiful.