Well, I haven't written in this for a long time... Perhaps because I thought it a lonely place to write. Now that I know it isn't so lonely after all, I suppose I will be more motivated to write again.

Thinking of writing made me think and wonder what really is going on in the depths of myself? Sometimes I think mommies and even wives just don't have time to think about that. I suppose I have been contemplating motherhood. It is beautiful, even when it means getting up at 1:00 in the morning, getting huge, throwing up all day, and wiping bums and runny noses. Still, in my mind there is something beautiful about motherhood. However I do feel that the beauty of it sometimes is slightly obscured by the curse of it. Not to point a finger at eve, for I am sure I have sinned worse if there are worse sins, but that pivotal moment where we were all cursed with pain in child bearing, has more weight in my life than I ever expected.
I always wondered (before having a child) how the curse worked when we have the blessed needle in the spine, narcotics, and so many other forms of pain relief in childbirth. But then, I learned by experience. Child bearing includes far more than just the birth. It includes having the flu for three whole months, feeling utterly dreadful but still needing the perform as wife and mother. It includes feeling huge and unattractive in later months, wondering if you will ever look pretty again. It includes the intense fear and questioning, "will my baby be healthy? Am I doing everything the way I am supposed to?" it includes the fact that no amount of help for the pain fully alleviates the sheer work, and pain, and aftermath of childbirth. It includes the way your stomach drops before you hear that precious baby cry, and then every cry afterwards is a heartache to you, every tear, every time they are sick, scared, hurt, lonely, your greatest desire is to make it all better.

But as always, God is so good. He gives women this huge undertaking. This immense commitment, not without immense reward. For there is nothing that makes me feel closer to my creator, than having life growing within me. There is nothing that can compare to holding my precious child for the first time. No joy in life could ever compete with rocking my child to sleep. That is the way God is. He wouldn't hold back his blessings even as he brings forth hardships. He is faithful. He is good.
Most of all, as the father of all things, who have his only begotten son to DIE for us... He knows exactly what each of us as mothers is going through. Perhaps it is the vague and imperfect reflection of him in us, that still makes motherhood beautiful.

movement

Moving! Its funny to me that I am writing this because I have prayed a few times that God would move us. It isn't that I am not happy where I am at all, in fact I have also prayed so many prayers of thankfulness for where I am as well. I have prayed for Gods will more than anything else. And I have always prayed for the best.

And now we are beginning the process of movement. Movement to bring a little more independant perhaps. Movement towards change. Movement in our lives and our family, because we think its best.

What's hard for me is the guilt. The more I examine it the more ridiculous it is. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. There is conviction but I have experienced both and the sensation of them is so entirely different. So the guilt is not from God.
I look deeper. Why do I even feel guilty? What is my enemy telling me? I hear dark voices say "this simple mo_ will tear your family apart. You are going to hurt your husband. You are pushing him into this. This isn't going to work. You should never have prayed for this."

Hmm. I shouldn't have prayed? Its funny how when I examine the enemies words instead of just accepting them, they make no sense.

Never once did I push travis into anything. I prayed for Gods will, and I told him my hearts cries. And you know, when I listen to his sweet voice, I hear him saying what he always says.

"you are so precious. I hear your heart and I will do what is best. Push away the self hating thoughts. You are a blessing to your husband. You are a beautiful gift. I will look after you. The pieces will fall into place."

Movement is good. Directed movement is far better, and that is what we are doing.

Emma

So its been forever... Then again I have a good excuse... A brand new baby takes up a lot of time! Intfoducing baby Emma Audrey Schmeelke, born June 7th 2008, five pounds five ounces. She is absolutely beautiful!

Its funny, you know, I thought that I knew what love is... But there is nothing in the world like the love of a mother for her child. It is like nothing I have ever experienced. It is amazing and intense. She us so much a part of me, and yet so much herself. Its like a tidal wave of emotion pours out of me every time I look at her, every time I hear her cry, every time I hear her laugh, or are her smile. I want to fix everything for her! Every boo boo, every heart ache, every sad moment;

I wonder as I look at her and clap for her four month old efforts, as I watch her roll over, or grab a rattle for the first time; I wonder what she will be like someday. I wonder who she will grow into at 2, 5, 8, 12, 16, 60? I am just amazed at ago she is already and she can't even talk yet!

So... I am discovering the virtue of patience! I wasn't having a very hard time waiting for this baby, until I thought it was coming and it turned out to be nothing but a very convincing dress rehearsal! I was in the hospital for twelve of fifteen hours of contractions, to no avail. I'm still closed tight as a tick. *sigh*

At least I feel more prepared about it now... I think maybe that is why God let me have the false labour. Now I know that whatever comes my way I'll handle it just fine. I know that Travis is going to be an incredible support person, and I know that h...e... double hockey sticks and high water won't be able to keep my mom away. It'll be good. I'll do ok.

life and death

Is it bad to be a christian who doesn't entirely understand death?

Not that I haven't seen it, heaven knows from the time I was tiny the intricate workings of life and death became very apparent to me. Sex was the bull and the cows making calves. Death was the stillborn calf that we tried to ressusitate, the baby birds I tried to rescue, the horse Dad had to shoot, the precious puppies who took too long to be born, who we worked on and worked on until breath left them forever. Death was the abandoned premature piglet that we bottle fed with a baby bottle until it got pnemonia and died. Death was everywhere. Death was as much a part of life as the babies that were born and healthy, sputtering and breathing in thier first breath. Life and Death, Death and Life.

But lately it's just hitting me. It started when I held little tiny Tim, as he struggled before death claimed him, still warm in my hands. Then my Auntie Erna died, and I cried as I wore the slippers that she had knitted and slept in an empty bed in her empty house. Then the dog that I had grown up with, Jill, finally passed away. Just as we seemed to be " moving on" ( isn't that what we are supposed to do?) My uncle Lorn passed away. Two precious people, only four and a half months apart. Then I found out that my favourite person from where I used to work died.

I think the part that frightens me is that I don't know how to respond... I feel guilty when I'm not crying, I feel silly when I am crying. I know that Jesus has taken them all to be with him, that every struggle in their life is over, forever, finished. It's just hard to comprehend that they are here... then they are gone. My mind races and I worry... how can I handle the rest of the people that I am sure to lose in this lifetime leaving? The thought terrifies me...

It makes me think of Cory Tenboom getting on the train... and her father's wisdom.

" Cory, when do I give you your train ticket?"
" Just before I get on the train."
" So it is with our wise heavenly father, he gives us what we need for what we are going to go through just before we go through it."

Perhaps I need to just relax and rest in God, knowing that it's ok, he will give me the strength that I need, just before I need it.

I need not be afraid of death, and if I am, I just need to reach higher for his almighty, comforting hand.

So I have been musing again...

I was thinking about homeless people. Sounds like a category but I don't mean it to be. I know that they are as different from each other as we are.

When I was with Grandma, in Edmonton, taking her to and from the clinic for her surgery, there was a couple of homeless men that stood outside of the building. One wore a sign around his neck " money for food," the other just stood there, saying hello to everyone who walked by and almost blocking the sidewalk off.

I would have given the one money, but he chose an unfortunate spot to beg... everyone already used all their change on parking, five loonies an hour. Of course, I politely said hello to the other one, as I walked past.

That's when I became a little horrified at myself. I had this overwhelming fear that he was going to choke me from behind, and I felt like breaking into a solid mad dash. Perhaps this is because of the time when I was working, and one of our dimensia patients choked me hard from behind. I'm not sure. But I don't know why all of a sudden this fear just seized me.

It seems to me that no matter how hard I try not to let them become marginalized in my mind, they still are to a point. Although I want them to meet Jesus, I want them to have good food, I plan on volunteering when I can to help them... I still see them as a little frightening, esspecially when I am walking with my just operated on Grandma, and my tiny unborn child. I just want to pray about this, and I know that God will lead me to see it the way that he does.

That's what I want, and not just for homeless people. How often do I walk by someone and judge them... wrongly.

I just want to see people the way that Jesus does, to be loving and cautious, wise as a serpent, but gentle as a dove.

2 pound chiuauas

Preparing for a new life... that's what I feel like. No... not what I feel like, what I am doing!! It's amazing, surreal, strange, wonderful, excellent, frightening, invigorating, exhausting, exciting, and completely overtaking.

It feels like there is just nothing in the world quite as important as this baby and it's arrival into the world. Perhaps that is silly. There are a million babies that are born every day... but none of them are mine. None of them were created in my body by God. None of them have been for me, the world's greatest surprise... this tiny person wrapped ( of all things) in my own body for nine ( but really ten) long, long months. It's the biggest miracle, the greatest gift, and it is happening from me... from the person that I love the most... in me. It is indescribable. So strange and yet so wonderful at the same time.

Picture a 2 pound chiuaua. That is the approximate weight of my baby right now. Picture that it is jumping around in your tummy, sleeping, waking, moving. As excited as I am about it, it is certainly a strange sensation!

Anyways, this is my most recent ponderings on motherhood!

stability

It's been a while since I last wrote! Not having internet at home probably makes that kind of difficult. Life hasn't changed much in the last while... maybe the only thing that has changed is that I am getting used to the way that things don't... change.

I guess when I was younger there was always another hill to climb, another milestone to reach, another year older meant so much. Finish school, move out, first kiss, bible school, marriage, pregnancy. I was always on the move, always living somewhere else and thinking about how things would change... and they did.

Funny isn't it that stability is something that you actually have to get used to. I think that is what it is. Stability. And things will change again... in three months I will be holding this new baby in my arms, and there will be a whole other being in this world because God loved me enough to trust me with it. But no matter what changes from now on I will always have stability.

I think it is interesting that despite ourselves, God gives us what we most need and most desire. I wouldn't have even known how to find stability for myself, but He did, and He knew how incredibly much I needed it. So he sort of dropped it in my lap and said " ok, here you go, now what do you think of that?"

I am slowly becoming acustomed to the idea that everything is ok. Today, yesterday, tomorrow. God has looked after it all.

Well apparently I am still unloved but I will write ... because I think I mostly write for myself anyways.

I am finding a new level of my relationship with God. Not that it has levels really... but the bible talks about ever moving from glory to glory. I feel like this is a new glory. A new and wonderful chance to get to know who God is in a new way.

As creator,

As my sustainer...

I just feel so helpless in so many ways at this time in my life. I have no way to reach inside and ask my little one " How are you? Doing ok honey? Too hot or too cold? what do you feel like for supper?" No. I just have to be content with the occasional nudge from the inside, and the peace that Jesus gives me. It is so surreal what is going on inside of me that some mornings I wake up feeling like " oh, was I dreaming, there can't really be a little person inside me can there?" But... then I stand up and see my protruding belly and go " Well, either I ate too much turkey over the holidays or there really is a little person inside of me!"

Crazy. It is just another excersise in getting to know my Lord!!!