dogs

Am I the border collie? I think about this. Mom is a stock dog trainer. How many people, ( not to mention dogs) don't understand what it is to be a working dog? They are different than any other kind of dog on the planet. They think differently. They usually don't even get along with other dogs, unless they are herders too. They have a specific job.

Not that other breeds of dogs don't have jobs. Imortant jobs. They all have to be able to snuggle with their owner, protect their family, sleep on the deck. Some of them run, some guide blind people, some hunt. They are all important. But... none of them understand the border collie.

I feel like I am the border collie. No one here understands me. I've tried to just be like every one else but I can't... I'm not. My giftings are just a little bit different. My heart has a purpose that is just a little bit different.

Can a border collie learn to survive with a group of labs? I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. Every day feels a little longer. I'm fighting depression. I'm longing for the freedom to run in a trial, and gracefully herd the sheep to where they are supposed to be.

Two months.

knight

Life really hasn't slowed down at all. I feel like all life does is pick up speed and leave me reeling, desperately reeling, trying so hard to catch up with it. Everyone wants more from me. I'm not spending enough time with the " community" I'm not available enough. I can't work enough shifts. I am not sharing my rock of a husband ( to be) enough. It's crazy. It's ridiculous. I want out of this bubble place, this fake, false existence.

Yesterday we got heck for hugging in public. In what strange phase of the universe to adults who are getting married get in trouble for hugging? I assure you, it was a completely appropriate hug. I laid my head on his shoulder. Sometimes I struggle with feeling like the world is out to get me.

BUT THEN, last night my hubby made me so happy it was unbelievable. Someone was accusing me of not trying to make new freind ships with the girls, and I was having a really hard time sticking up for myself.

So Travis did it for me. He told her that it is not my fault that the girls don't know what it means to be a realy christian and they talk about me behind my back. He said that I cry every night, so why would I want to spend time with the people who are doing this to me? He said that if anyone so much as blamed anything on me once more he would take what's left of our tuition and we would leave. He asked her why she would expect me to be the only vulnerable one in a room full of hypocrites.

He was my knight in shining armour! It was amazing!

good

Today is shaping up beautifully! Class was great, really encouraging. Although it was really hard to take time to study, I loved the way he taught and the simple, Godly principles in Proverbs. I esspecuially loved today when he talked about children and how many children are a blessing from God. Travis and I decided we want as many as God will give us! Why not trust him?

I'm looking forward to the weekend. Today we are heading out to see my grandparents, and tomorro I work early, at 7:00 am. Then Sunday we are helping a mature student here, Dave, move. All in all it should be a great weekend, and I am feeling encouraged and close to Jesus.

Good to feel good. Better to know everything is good.

gotta fix that.

So, life continues. It's not in a bad direction... at all. I love life. Today was a good day. Sometimes the mix of feminine hormones, and the stress of balancing ( or at least attempting to) school work, friend time, my relationship with my hubby, work, and the masses of wedding planning leave me feeling like the roof will cave in. But it doesn't. I keep going. Remembering that we only have 108 days until I am married, and will never have to share living space with 35 girls ever again, seems to help me maintain some amount of sanity.

Spats. Conflict. Controversy. I am not good at them. I put up a facade. A mask, if you will. The tough cowgirl. The one who can take on the world. I may be little but I'm strong. Then, I try to back up my big tough claims with a vast amount of picking tiny little fights. Silly ones. Giving someone heck when really it doesn't even matter to me. Or when the person doesn't matter to me. But when something really matters I have such a hard time. I would rather swallow the hurt and not say anything. So my anxiety builds. It eats me. I think I am so afraid of people not liking me, or of people loving me less because I actually stated my feelings, that I hurt myself.
I've gotta fix that.