Random thoughts on mortality

It's tuesday.
Tuesday.
I have to leave on Sunday. It seems that time is flying away and I am trying to catch up with it.
That seems to happen a lot though. Time's swift motion reminds me of my mortality. Life is only good because God is bigger than mortality. That makes me a little less afraid.

I suppose it seems that at this rate, I will be a Grandmother, sitting in her rocking chair humming " Just as I am," thinking how I had never really caught up to time.

Interesting how God knows how many days we are to live before we begin a one of them, and yet we have such a strong instinct to keep ourselves alive. Our drive of self preservation gives of fear of anything that is irrational or dangerous.

Yet, do we really have reason to fear?

These thoughts seem to be filling my mind more and more these days.

I am not afraid to go to heaven. On the contrary, nothing inspires, amazes, excites, and comforts me more than the knowledge that one day I will see my Father face to face.

I am afraid to die. I shouldn't be. The bible says " Yea though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for thou art with me." I should have no fear in life or death.

Perhaps I am simply being morbid, and I should not even think about these things for many years. Nineteen years full of life, heartbreak, love, laughter, friendship, worship, music, and amazing moments that no one, least of all me deserves... they have been wonderful. Any other years that I have to live will hopefully be full of the same.

Yet I continue to ponder mortality.

I have arrived safely home from camping.
We had a great time, Saterday Cody, Klay, Logan and I floated down the river for about seven hours. I have a lovely sunburn to show for it as well. We started drinking ( out of necessity of course, it was hot out) at about noon, by three I knew I had to slow down! When we got back to the campsite everyone else was there, so we shot some skeet and ate some steak.

We wound up sitting around the campfire telling jokes and stories and drinking. There were some good jokes and some better stories. Thirteen year old Braydon was stealing beer, so by about three he was throwing up. Cody made it till three or so, and Brad, Chase, Lawrence and I decided we were going to pull an all nighter. Everyone else made it to bed somewhere between three and four. I don't know how many times we did a cheers to being the last four. But... then Lawrence got REALLY hammered, and started talking in an Irish accent and jabbering away about his Irish heritage. He got mad at us when we laughed at him, and then he got mad at me that I wouldn't date him! He wound up telling me, in a heavy Irish accent and a whole lot of rolling rrrrr's, that he never cared to meet me again.

Finally Brad got Lawrence to go to bed, so it was just him and Chase and me. We sat there and did cheers to everything imaginable. I had a good talk with Brad about Kaylie, and Chase decided that we should date ( yeah he's cute but not happening). We made it to bed at about six or seven.

This morning we got up fairly early, and went fishing for a while. Then we took air mattresses and floated down the river on them, we made two teams and tried to push the other team off of the mattress. Once again I got pretty sunburned but it was fun. I got dunked about a million times.

So now I am exhausted! Having fun is hard work!

random is as random does

Camping.
Now we decide to go camping. Ahhh, fine and dandy, but that means that after the house ( which, thanks to the grad party is an ABSOLUTE disaster) is cleaned, we have to clean out and load the motor home.

I am beginning to think that the total amount of time for me to be home before leaving for school will be minimal.

I got a phone call back from CLBI telling me that it will be fine for me to be there on the third rather than the second. GOOD NEWS!

Not that I am particularily excited about Dwayne's wedding... in fact I called him a donkey hole at my grad because he made me step in poop. Just one of many things that make him... himself. The dancing part is exciting though! Finally a night where hopefully I can dance away!

Anyways, burnt supper is calling my name, adios!

Grad Day

Ahhh, crazy. Here I sit in front of this ruddy computer at 12:39 a.m. after a very busy day, and a very sleepless night. I did a lot of worrying about this whole grad day thing. It turned out to be just as Heather said it would. Wonderful.

We did all of the pictures here, and Heather took them. Her big bravery is causing my tired eyes tears. She did family pictures, grandparent pictures, individual pictures! They turned out soooo good! I am uploading them onto MY computer right now. ( Yes that explains the insane hour that I am still up at). She was also the most supportive, awesome best friend that I could ever imagine having there for anything like this. She is amazing maid of honour material thats for sure!

Then, we had supper. Garlic prawns and a stuffed potatoe. I had been thinking about it for a long time. I think I've known what I was going to order since we planned the whole thing. Mom, Julie, and Grama gave me a fantastic album that I will treasure forever. THAT was the BIG SURPRISE that I was just SO worried about. Yeah.

So then a few of us headed to the lounge. Dwayne hates Curt and Curt was there for me, so there was a little tension in the air. For the longest time the music sucked and Curt was tired and I was kinda sad... but then I talked to the waitress and she put on a few good songs for me. Curt and me danced, ( he told me I was perfect!) and then Dad and me danced. That was all I needed really, it made me really happy. Then I got a kiss on the cheek and a hug from my best guy bud and we all left with toothpicks in our eyes. The music went really downhill after the first couple songs so we didn't think there was much point in staying. I am supposed to go to Red Deer for a weekend before school starts or in December to spend some time with Curto. We'll see, I think my plate might be pretty full already!

SOOOO now that all the pictures are uploaded, and I just seriously fell asleep for a couple seconds, I'm gonna go catch some z's. g'night.

Random update

So, shoot me. Yes, go ahead.

Okay so I am not sure why I said that, but it was a little bit fun anyways. Don't shoot me. I know God would forgive you if you did, but then you would miss me, wouldn't you?

So I spent the weekend in Fort Mcmurray with my best bud Heather and her friend/ cousin Alissa ( so sorry if I got your name wrong hun). It was FANTASTIC! One of the best weekends of my life. I learned lots about hockey, though I still have lots to learn. There was Tim Hortons coffee at the motel. For free. Someone must have shot me and sent me to heaven. We had awesome not girlie girl times... if that makes sense. ( if not, that is interpreted as girl times without all of the stupidness. Yes, we giggled, but guys do too trust me. We just avoid the whole " do you think he likes me?" " Oh I don't know, did you see the way he looked at so and so?" " Uh the skank" and so on and so on moment by moment breakdown of every move a guy makes. WE don't do that.)

We ALMOST saw a timberwolf because a lady who was camping in Fort Mac saw one, and then we went to her campsite. I think that counts as an ALMOST sighting.

Tommorro is a big day. I have to do this whole grad thing and am a little nervouse for everything. I keep thinking my face is going to blow up overnight or something. That and I don't know what mom is planning... eek! Hopefully all goes well and my jitters are not necessary.

Colledge starts in... about two weeks. I am pretty nervous about it. I keep dreaming that I am there and no one likes me.

I lost my cat... he scratched someone, so we had to put him down. Thankfully I was gone when it happened, because it was really hard on me and I didn't want to see him, before or after it happened. I made a point of saying goodbye to him before I left and cuddling with him.

When I got home Klay surprised me by giving me one of his little orange kittens, so I am naming him after both of my deceased cats, Ginger Soda. He is on my lap right now.

Cheers to tommorro ( oh ya, I can't cheer without a drink... oops)

confusion quicksand

Still thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. It should be simple you know. I should just be married, having babies, and completely secure. But, because of my independent and flighty nature I haven't made it that far yet. ( yes I am sober as I write this, just a little hopped up on cold medication.)

I am thinking that I might have lost my marbles, thinking about someone who is younger than me. But, my brain insists on arguing with me, it is only a year. And then there is the straight out fact that he isn't classed among most people as the best looking fellow they have ever seen. But Damn does he ever look good in that cowboy hat. And then, it would be so nice to be totally adored by someone again. I miss that, I really do. We want the same things out of life for the most part... why does love and all that jazz have to intrude upon a decision that is already difficult to make? It just doesn't make sense, it's not fair.

The truth is that whether I decide to go or not, God will bless me because he is faithful. He is always faithful. The truth is that if I don't date Levi then I will probably still find someone who will make me happy because there are a million guys out there. But there are truths that contradict truths, and lies that seem to agree with truths, and all in all they are spinning out of control in a circle that I am standing in the middle of. I hear voices all around me telling me which ways to go, where to turn, telling me how to figure out the quicksand that is settling under my feet. Eventually I am going to have to stand on my own two feet and decide what I am going to do. I can't stay deciding forever.

second thoughts

Ahhh the heat. It was pretty hot today, I was able to work on my tan! I rode Blondie over some pretty good jumps today, I think she is about ready to sell. Found out that I got accepted to colledge, which is great, except that now I am having second thoughts about whether or not this is what I want to do. Maybe that is just butterflies, but I am scared I will fail, I will be the only one there like me, that no one will understand me and this really isn't my best path. I just hope that I am heading in the right direction.

I took some time by myself to think today, when everyone went roping. I just stayed home and rode my own horse and listened to my own thoughts. It was actually kind of nice.

So I feel an itch to write about rednecks. Real rednecks. The kind that I am related to, am friends with, and the kind that I am; perhaps I should say unfortunately but I am actually proud of where I came from.

I saw a lot of every different kind of person this long weekend, at Big Valley Jamboree. I saw druggies and cowboys, people pretending to be cowboys, skids and skaters, a whole wack load of drunk people, and some normal down to earth human type folk. I could sit at the computer and write stories about these people till the cows come home, but I'd like to get a decent night's sleep for the first time in a while. We saw a few couples emerging together out of an outhouse ( yeah, the really super small portable kind), the boys saw one nasty old lady change her underwear right in front of them. I have a picture floating around somewhere of a guy trying to kiss me and me pulling back, if anyone sees it anywhere return it to me, haha.

The music was awesome, the comedians were great, and it was probably one of the best times I ever had! All that country music, though, and particularily Gretchen's concert, got me thinking about the redneck, cowboy, farmkid way of life.

So I went golfing today with My brother, Levi, and my cousin Dustin. I didn't actually golf, I just gave unwelcome advice and kept score. WE WERE REDNECKS! I have golfed with people before, but never like this. First of all, there are four of us crammed in with a roping bag in the crowded cab of a '92 dodge half ton that has spurs hanging from the rear view mirror. The guys are all wearing their cowboy hats, their wranglers, and their cowboy belts and buckles. When we get our carts, they all take their shirts off to stay cool. ( this is, by the way, a rather large golfing no no.) I would have worn my hat but I didn't think it would go with the camo mini skirt. ( another no-no on a golf course).

So, we are minding our own business, playing happy gilmore on hole 4, and the beverage cart lady comes up to us, looking at us all a little funny in our less than average golfing gear. Levi and Cody let out a great copenhagen spit without even thinking right in front of her. Her face screwed up in this awful grimace and she says " Ooh, can you just not spit on the green? It's going to kill the grass, that's nasty, can you just not spit? Like just don't spit." Huh. So she had never met a copenhagen chewing, cowboy hat wearing, belt buckle shining, yes maam yes sir kinda man before. Lucky me I know a crap load of them. Then we are driving along, not causing much trouble, spitting on the green like fools ( yes, even I joined into the spitting, you don't have to chew to spit), and these old ladies clad in traditional golf gear came up to us. One of them whispered ( in a lovely stage voice) " Oh will you look at those hillbillies!" The other lady just stared at us with her eyes wide open. Really, are we that strange? I suppose we don't really stay quiet when we are hitting balls, and we drive the golf carts like guttless cow-checking quads, and we do look a little funny...

So, I have had approximately five hours of sleep in the last twenty four hours so I probably didn't make a lick of sense. I am gonna call 'er a night now.