my crown

Today was great! I was kind of struggling with feeling a little bit down... I'm not sure why.
Class is amazing, I think that we will actually learn a lot. But because I was feeling down, I started praying. I was laying down and I saw this bright yellow and white light come and drape itself over me and all around me, embracing me. I saw a crown on my head, and a locket around my neck.

God told me that he was blessing me. It was exactly what I needed. All of my fears about everything just melted away and I was left with peace. God is so faithful every day in all of the little things, the big things, and everything in between. He is truly an amazing father.

Men are always right.

" Man are always right." Said the doctor nonchalauntly as he looked down my throat. " Don't you know that?"

He had no idea what he had just said!

So now I wait for my antibiotics to kick in. Apparently all this time that I have been sick I have had a sinus infection and that's why I haven't had the accoustics to sing! I will be pretty glad to be better after a few days. This is week five of being sick.

Last weekend home before mom and Julie leave for Arizona! Oh how I wish I was going with them to bask in the sun rather than braving the cruel -31 weather we have been blessed with the last few days!

Buzzing on coffee

YAY!
Yet another prayer answered! I really wanted to go home this weekend because mom and Julie and my baby Joseph ( yes, yes, okay not really my baby... I wish... but anyways) are leaving for Arizona next weekend. I really wanted to see them. I wanted to cook to. I kind of miss cooking. So I was all set to go home for a while... but Travis had to work on Saterday and I was kind of disapointed because I really wanted to spend some time with him at home... and cook for him!

So last night I prayed that God would let him come home with me this weekend. I felt a little silly about it because it seemed a little bit selfish... I mean did God really care if I got to spend this one weekend with my man?

Apparently!

Because he worked it out so that someone took Travis's shift and he can come home with me for ALL WEEKEND! I am so excited! Maybe a little bit silly but all the same I am excited!

And I wore wranglers again. Oh boy oh boy, those wranglers. The funny thing is I am starting to love them! I like feeling like a cowgirl again. Today I have two french braids, and a cowgirl shirt and wranglers and fake cowboy boots because my real ones are covered in horse crap. I love it. Travis loves it. It's kind of a win win situation.

Today Elli ( my roommate) told me something that really blessed me. I was standing in the doorway to our room in my gowgirl gear, and she looked taken aback. She was like " Chandie I just saw a side of you that I can't even explain, all at once. It wasn't even the cowgirl side it was something bigger!" I really wondered what she meant, and she elaborated a little bit. " You just looked so self confident and beautiful, and I haven't seen you that happy and self confident yet this year." I was so blessed to hear that! It kind of let me know that there is already good fruit from my relationship, and from seeing God's answers to prayer. It was really cool.

I have a Christmas concert that I am supposed to sing at on the eighth. I'm pretty nervous about it, because I don't know if my voice will be better by then. I want to go to the hospital and find out what is wrong with me this weekend. I hadn't realized it was that big of a deal, but I guess it is because there is my name alongside Alex's on posters all over viking. Ahhh boy, I bite my lip. That's a good reason to pray.

Sorry if this was really random and long, I just drank a bunch of coffee and am buzzing a little bit.
Blessings to all who read!

Dating.

So now it's official.
We're dating, I'm taken, he's taken... and everyone knows.
We talked to Pastor Harold about it today. Travis informed me that he thought it would be a good idea yesterday and I was terrified. He was pretty calm about it. I told him that he had to do all of the talking , which is unusual because as everyone knows... I talk a lot.

But, today when we got there he was really nice, and even seemed excited about the relationship. He told us that we had his blessing and prayed for us and gave us a book on dating. It was actually really amazing, and great to know that our relationship is blessed and above board. I'm so happy right now.

I think that this has been taking over a lot of my thoughts today. First there was the fear that it wouldn't go well, and then was the joy that is seems perfect! I'm looking forward to going home this weekend and am hoping that Travis can come again as well!

Hooray to God for answered prayer.

Anger

So I think that sometimes I get angry easily. Like last night I kind of told Heather that I wanted to pull a guys hair out with tweezers one by one from all over his body and then scalp him and pull his toenails and fingernails off and hang him upside down and pull his eyes out and then let him die because all of the blood rushed to his head.

He wasn't a vry nice guy.

And then there was yesterday when I got mad at a couple fellow students...

And sometimes I feel like ripping our teachers heads off because their theology sucks.

Honestly, I am the girl who can't shoot gophers...

But sometimes I wish I could as a stress reliever.

Prayer

I think that God has set the last couple of weeks up specifically to show me the power of prayer. He is amazing. Perhaps I am a little off in saying the last couple of weeks. Perhaps God has been setting my life up this way, and he has chosen the last few weeks to reveal it to me.

It excites me to no end, the more I think about it.

Direct answers to prayer from the GOd who cares about me more than anything else. He cares about each of us enough to take the time to answer our prayers even better than we could have thought to pray them.

Isn't that encouraging?

So I started thinking about what GOd says about prayer.

" Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed." James 5:16.

So by praying and confessing our sins to someone who shares our faith, and who we trust, we are healed. Healing is one of the most powerful movements in the bible. When we are healed we are at peace and we can do anything... and God gave us the equation that we needed in order to find this kind of healing!

Jude vs. 20 says

" But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith, and pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you eternal life."

vs. 24 says

" To Him who is able to keep you from falling and present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy- to the Only God our Saviour be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ out Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore."

Psalm 102: 17 says

" He will respond to the plea of the destitute, he will not despise their plea."

GOd has proven to me that he answers prayer in powerful and mighty ways. All of His promises are to be counted on, every single one.

Lazy days and drugs

Thus far, today has been a lazy day. Hence the purple. I don't know why purple seems lazy to me, but it does. I didn't even get up for church... terrible me. I just slept in, letting the rest that I needed so badly work on healing my ongoing cough and cold. Travis and I have a bit of a deal going on, if I am not better by noon on monday, I have to go to the doctor. Ridiculous I know, but I suppose I must stick with it.

It seems that Kirstie's quote book now has a new quote in it, compliments of your truly.

" God hasn't convicted me of my drug habit yet."

Hmmm, that didn't come out quite the way I meant it. I take cold medicine for medicinal purposes only, I assure you. When I need drugs, I rely on coffee.

The last few days have been so slow... but for once I don't mind. It seems like I generally am flying around a million miles a minute feeling passionate about anything that I run into. Even milk. I passionately do not like milk.

So... a day to just sort of laze about and not worry about feeling passionate or running around is nice.

Tommorro I will be passionate about something and everything again.

Wranglers.
Today I wore wranglers. They weren't even that uncomfortable, even though they were really high waisted.
So I thought to myself about why I haven't worn wrangers in about three years.
Rebellion perhaps. I think that sometimes I rebel against who I am, afraid that someone isn't going to accept me.
But why do I worry about acceptance?
The funny thing is, when we long for acceptance we do one of two things. We do what we think everyone wants us to do so they will accept us, or we directly rebel against it, pretending that we don't care what they think.
The truth is found in neither option. If I were free, I would continue to be me regardless of what anyone thinks, but at the same time I would not try to offend them directly.
I am guilty of trying to gain acceptance the wrong way.
So I didn't wear wranglers, both to prove to Dad that I didn't need his acceptance, and to gain acceptance from those who didn't approve of my western lifestyle.
BUT, That is who I am. I am western, I am a cowgirl. I love horses, I like the way wranglers look on my butt. My family are cowboy. When I have a house, I want to make it western. That is who I am. Why try to change it, why try to hide it.
So, the final conclusion... if I feel like wearing wranglers, I will. If not, I won't.
And the next time someone looks at me and tells me they hate cowboys I won't be afraid to tell them I am one of them.

tears

He took his life.
One fell swoop, one pull of a violent trigger, and he took his life.
He left everyone around him confused, wondering what had been the last straw.
Who was responsible, what was to blame?
All the good meomories, or the memories that people felt guilty for, came to the forefront of minds and conversation.
What happens when someone does that?
Today I was talking to one of my friends. Her ex boyfriend shot himself.
How do you handle that?
God had been trying to get his attention for so long... maybe it was Satan's biggest plan.
The sad part is that he succeeded.
There is no time for repentance between the pulling of a trigger and the bullet that sears through a brain.
That split second decision condemned him.
It seems so surreal to me. The guts, and yet the lack of guts that it would take for someone to hold a gun to thier head... and then pull the trigger.
It makes me mad at Satan.
It makes me mad at the world.
It makes me pray harder.
It makes me think.
Most of all, it makes me cry. For him, for everyone he left behind, and for Jesus... because that must have broken his heart.
He Died. Jesus died.
One suicide that ended death's rule over us.
Yet we turn away from him, we resent his gift, we refuse to accept it.
Life lays in the dust where he dropped it, while he ran headlong towards Satan's outstretched arms, and his great facade.
What an amazing God we have, that he would still have compassion on a world that has trampled his priceless gift to us so many times over.

tired

SO tired!
Funny how exhaustion hits you at different times during the day... and five minutes from now I will be overtired and will most likely be hyper... until my next tired spell. I think everyone here is tired this week. It's been so intense the last little while!

I need sleep tonight!!!!!!!! We have a mandatory Devo at 9:30 which will take a while. Hopefully everything will wrap up quickly enough that bedtime will come before I collapse in a heap on the floor!

tired

SO tired!
Funny how exhaustion hits you at different times during the day... and five minutes from now I will be overtired and will most likely be hyper... until my next tired spell. I think everyone here is tired this week. It's been so intense the last little while!

I need sleep tonight!!!!!!!! We have a mandatory Devo at 9:30 which will take a while. Hopefully everything will wrap up quickly enough that bedtime will come before I collapse in a heap on the floor!

overcoming

Back to the grindstone. Three essays to hand in today. Not that I minded that much, for some reason my twisted mind loves to put it's thoughts on paper.

I was a little bit ADD though, I just couldn't focus. The teacher seems really good ( a nice change because I didn't like the last one). Maybe I am just having a hard time going back to school books and routines after something like urban hike.

Andrew is letting me use his computer... which means I have to listen to him talking in the background... ha ha. I haven't had any huge revalations in the last day... I've just felt really close to God. Last night I was praying, frusteration was taking it's toll on my prayer life. I was confused and feeling like I couldn't overcome the temptations that were coming my way... nothing serious, I just didn't feel like I was growing.

Jesus told me to check out 1st John 5:5, about overcoming the world, through him.

I don't have to do it,
it's done.
I AM an overcomer.

Peace

Today I rested.
I like resting, sometimes I guess I just need a break. I came home, slept for a while, told my stories... and rested.

I love the fact that Jesus tells us about rest. " Come to me you who are weak and heavy laden and I will give you rest." Another scripture that has been playing on my mind is this one... " Peace, be still and know that I am God." Peace. Be still. Rest. I feel like the moon in a dark, somber sky. All I have to do is be. I light the dark, I am beautiful, but I don't have to work at it.
All I have to do is rest. All I have to do is be where Jesus put me. Perhaps simply by meditating on the thought, I am reconciled with my purpose.

rules

Shifting.
I kind of feel like I am shifting, changing, constantly on a journey. I don't know what my destination is. Some would scoff at this. " I know where I am going, my destination is heaven," They say.
Heaven.
But what is heaven?
All I know is that my God, my precious Jesus will be there.
But won't heaven be a continuation of the journey?
Heaven isn't a destination for me. I live, I cry, I laugh, I love. I die, I'm in heaven. Things always move from glory to glory, getting better.
I don't believe in regrets.
I believe in repentance, and trust. There is no room for regrets in my life. If I were going to waste my time regreting my past, how would I ever find the time to enjoy my present?
I believe in learning from everything. I think that Jesus works everything together for good. Even the things that could be seen as mistakes.
It really hit me today. I was thinking about the rules that GOd laid out for us. I was thinking about his rule about fornication. I broke that one. The one thing in my life that I would change if I could. The one thing in my life that hurt me more than anything has ever hurt me... was breaking that rule.
I thought that Jesus would hate me because of it. I thought that he made the rule, therefore when I broke it he would be standing there with a hammer, ready to punish me. He would call me disgusting. He would spit on me, he would look at me as worthless.

And then it dawned on me.

He made that rule for me, not against me. He made it so that I would hopefully not hurt myself. The fact that I broke that rule did not affect the way he saw my value in the least. He stood beside me and cried when I struggled, cried when I fell, cried when I got up and saw the dirt stains that covered me. And then he cried while he washed them off.

He doesn't make rules to be hard on me. He doesn't make rules so that he can decide how good I am by how many of them I keep and how many I break. He makes them to protect me.

Picture that you are a father or a mother. Your child comes up to you, and asks if she can touch the fire that is crackling away in the fireplace. " No, certainly not!" you answer her.

Did you make that rule to keep something from her that is good? Of course you didn't, you made it to protect her from getting burned!

I have learned that is how God is with us. He is truly our heavenly father!

rules

Shifting.
I kind of feel like I am shifting, changing, constantly on a journey. I don't know what my destination is. Some would scoff at this. " I know where I am going, my destination is heaven," They say.
Heaven.
But what is heaven?
All I know is that my God, my precious Jesus will be there.
But won't heaven be a continuation of the journey?
Heaven isn't a destination for me. I live, I cry, I laugh, I love. I die, I'm in heaven. Things always move from glory to glory, getting better.
I don't believe in regrets.
I believe in repentance, and trust. There is no room for regrets in my life. If I were going to waste my time regreting my past, how would I ever find the time to enjoy my present?
I believe in learning from everything. I think that Jesus works everything together for good. Even the things that could be seen as mistakes.
It really hit me today. I was thinking about the rules that GOd laid out for us. I was thinking about his rule about fornication. I broke that one. The one thing in my life that I would change if I could. The one thing in my life that hurt me more than anything has ever hurt me... was breaking that rule.
I thought that Jesus would hate me because of it. I thought that he made the rule, therefore when I broke it he would be standing there with a hammer, ready to punish me. He would call me disgusting. He would spit on me, he would look at me as worthless.

And then it dawned on me.

He made that rule for me, not against me. He made it so that I would hopefully not hurt myself. The fact that I broke that rule did not affect the way he saw my value in the least. He stood beside me and cried when I struggled, cried when I fell, cried when I got up and saw the dirt stains that covered me. And then he cried while he washed them off.

He doesn't make rules to be hard on me. He doesn't make rules so that he can decide how good I am by how many of them I keep and how many I break. He makes them to protect me.

Picture that you are a father or a mother. Your child comes up to you, and asks if she can touch the fire that is crackling away in the fireplace. " No, certainly not!" you answer her.

Did you make that rule to keep something from her that is good? Of course you didn't, you made it to protect her from getting burned!

I have learned that is how God is with us. He is truly our heavenly father!

wrinkles

Wrinkled, but your eyes harbour light,
deep light.
There is something about your smile,
you mean it.
A deep sense of loss lingers,
beneath the words that you say,
your voice makes me catch my breath.
What tornado, what hurricane,
what dark squall had the right,
to steal your pride?
I want to hug you.
I want to take you home.
You should not be here.
You remind me of Grandma,
wrinkled.
You look seventy two,
You are fifty eight.
Your white hair pulled back in a loose pony,
Your warm vest over pajamas.
Who stole from you?
Wrinkled.
Determination seeps from the lines,
the lines that are etched into your face.
Who let this happen to you?
Ten years. Ten years with your husband.
You are so thankful.
I would be mad at God.
Cancer stole from you.
No children, you say it is your biggest regret.
Could you do anything about it?
You have children now.
They don't have homes.
They dig needles into their arms,
to forget,
They drink and almost freeze to death,
They do anything they can,
to push away the memory that they don't have,
a mother,
a grandmother,
with wrinkles,
Like you.

I wrote this about a Lady we met named Ellen. She was homeless, in the drop in shelter. A beautiful woman.

confrontation

I think my word for the day is trust. I have realized that I DO have far more trust in Jesus than I thought I had. He is amazing. He gave me whatever I needed to get through anything I needed to get through during all of urban hike. I gained an appreciation for the people on my team as well, and learned to trust them.

The most difficult part of the trip was not really anything I expected at all. It didn't have to do with the people who we came to minister to, it had to do with someone on my team.

I had thought that everything was fine between us. We weren't best of friends but I loved her and had no problem with her. At debrief last night we sat in a circle and talked, and I told everyone in the cirlcle something about them that I had noticed and how much it blessed me. Pretty much everyone was blessed by it, except one person, who told me that I was too loose with my affection, that I didn't know these people so how could I love them, and basically that I had to re-evaluate my entire relationship with God. It was a bit of a tyrade, I felt like she was a shink, and she thought she had me pegged. It really hurt.

So I started thinking about it. How am I supposed to respond when someone puts down something that I feel good about, something that creates the very core of who I am? I prayed about it. Jesus told me that she was out of line, she said what she did because of her own issues.

It still hurts. But I love her anyways. I guess she will have to put up with it... is that a new definition of tough love?

If you readers wouldn't mind, please pray that I can sing again soon... that I get better. I have been sick for three weeks now.

beast

Last day of urban hike.
I'm utterly exhausted today. I am still loving it, but I am sick and low on sleep, and I have been working my butt off already for 15 hours. We don't get picked up to go to the church until 9:30 and then we still have debrief. Tommorro we get to sleep in. . . 6:45. Oh well, I guess we can sleep in the van on the way home.

All of this has twisted my mind around so much. There are so many opinions, so many approaches to the problem, and so many definitions of the problem. I have my own, but would it be the right one? Every piece is important to the puzzle.

So many of these places remind me of a pound, an spca for people. We take them in, clean them up, try to treat them with kindness and hope that they find a home. It sounds so crude, but it's true. I didn't start to think about it that way until I was cleaning everything with bleach, spraying things down with hoses. We feed them so fast. We work for hours upon hours, and within an hour they have gone through the line and eaten their fill. It's all about making sure they don't freeze to death, keeping them fed, and letting them have a few hours of sleep. They are all woken up and out of bed by 6 every morning.

So many people are devoting their lives to helping. I have thought about devoting my life to this. I'm still thinking about it. It just amazes me, the total difference in culture.

When we first got here, all I could see was the need, and I was so upset, horrified. Today, after a long day of work, and a lot of talking to people and listening to them, I started to feel frusterated with them as much as us. There were day jobs, paying 15.00 an hour posted over the intercom all day. 500 people sat in the cafeteria and never even thought about trying to get up and go make some money to get out of their predicament. The jobs were never all filled. I was sad again, but in a different way.

Then I heard a homeless lady talking about a boy she knew who froze to death last night on the street. He had alcahol in his system. He couldn't make it to the drop in centre.

How do I handle that news?

Is is our fault? Should we have picked him up, drug him to a bed, and forced food down his throat? He had opportunities that he didn't take. Did he choose his own death?

My thoughts sound so cruel to my own ears.

Am I a beast? Or am I trying to solve a problem with my pinkie finger that I could neverf solve with both hands?

On the streets

In the middle of no where... not quite; but that's teh feeling I get as I trapse around in the cold of downtown Calgary. We are actually in the middle of everything... the most populated, dangerous areas of the city; I have never felt so needed, or so much need in my life.

We are on our urban hike ministry trip, in case you were wondering. We left on Monday and we won't be back until Friday. We are surviving on the minimum, the trip is not about comfort. Right now I am so thankful to be able to use a public access computer to let you all know that I am still alive.

There is far too much to write about right now. It has been amazing. The point of the trip is to help out, and understand the lives of Canada's homeless population. We are living in the basement of a church, and are getting about 6 hours of sleep a night. The rest of the time we are volunteering at Calgary's various h0meless organizations, ( The mustard seed, salvation army, the drop in centre etc.) We are serving meals, preparing food, setting up clothing hand out centres, and even preaching on the street. There are literally thousands of people, and about 350 of them do not get a bed anywhere all night, even when it is forty below. The need is astonishing. Most of the homeless are men, actually about 80% are, but that's because the sex trade gives women another place to go. Everything I see makes me so sad, and makes me ask, as a christian, what should I be doing? These people are honestly in need, would Jesus ignore that? I don't think so.

Our first day we got a tour of salvation army ( my favourite place to volunteer so far) and then went with a street church to preach in the most dangerous area of town at about 9:00 pm. It was a dangerous situation but we trusted God to take care of us. WE handed out hot chocolate and pizza, and shared the good news with people. Some of them were really receptive, and it was amazing. They were truly hungry for a touch of love, a touch of humanity. The stench was incredible though,l and something we all had to overcome. It smelled like urine, booze, body odour, weed, and vomit. The people's stories, and their appearances were so sad. There was a few people who were very angry that we were there. One man tried to attack us while yelling " I am ready to kill!" None of us were the least bit frightened. At that point, I realized that God really does protect, and he does not give us fear. I could be a missionary in a dangerous position, if God called me there, and I would not be afraid. He tried to break the speakers, he attacked the guys, who jumped on him, and finally he walked to the end of the block and yelled at us to " turn it down, I can't hear the voices inside my head!" We all knew what those voices were, so all we did was stand there and pray and take authority over the enemy. Let me tell you, when you are actually in danger and you pray, it takes on a whole new faith dimension. We all felt compassion for him, not anger. One of the guys sobbed, heartbroken for him. Patrik commented " Now this is being real light in the darkness." It was an amazing beginning.

Since then we have seen so much, and done so much. I see how fortunate I am to have the support group and the family that I have. I would never wind up in that position. My heart is so broken for these people in a new way. When we don't have scheduled volunteering to do, we roam the streets looking for someone to help. We have taken a few people out for coffee, amid the funny looks from the "rich" people who watch us walk in with them. Their stories always make me cry. They are so lonely. They are so appreciative. It's amazing the places that you see Jesus. Sometimes you see it in someone sharing their joint with someone who has had a bad day. In a few days, I have gotten used to knowing what to look for as signs of where a person has been. I know what meth addicts look like. I know the signs of people who have shot drugs up thier arms. I know how to tell when a drug deal is going down. It's amazing. I know that when we walk downtown, the guys have to walk on the outside of the street, least someone think I am a hooker and he is my pimp.

A world that has always been so foreign is now becoming a cold reality before my eyes.

I will update you later. Love you all. Two more days.

meh

So I'm sick.
Nothing new but hey, it still annoys me.
We are leaving for urban hike on Monday.
I'm thinking about staying... err... conveniantly sick.
I'm scared and I don't want to go at all. Cities and me don't understand each other.
Anyways I don't feel like writing.