random update

So it's been fun being home. Not exactly a vacation, I'll readily admit. More like I have been working 11 hour days to try and have enough money for Christmas gifts! Hopefully everyone is happy with what they get from me. I still have work to do today but I am post-poning it for a little while ( Christmas HOLIDAYS, anyone).

It seems my family is as busy as ever, Klay is in Hockey school in Clive, Cody... well he just turned eighteen. The days here have both flown and crawled. The days when I have been home all alone trying to make bag upon bag of caramel popcorn ( oh yes, it will haunt my dreams for years, bags of caramel corn chasing me and trying to eat me) all by myself. The only thing that tried to trick my brain was a few Christmas CD's drawling Christmas Carols loudly throughout the house. Those only make you feel less lonely for a little while, and then you feel more lonely because no one is yelling at you to turn it down.

It's nice to have a bit of a break for absolute lack of privacy. Once again, no one ever comes in my room without knocking. That is a rule that most of the girls at bible school must have never been taught, what were their mothers thinking?

We leave for Vulcan the morning of the 24th. So my first real morning in Vulcan will be Christmas, which is a little bit scary. I'm trying not to let the tears come every time I realize I won't be home for Christmas. I'm a big girl I can handle it, right? I'm still really scared that Travis's family won't like me, even though he reassures me all the time that they will love me. I guess only time will make me feel better about this. I'm really looking forward to meeting his mom and sister, and I really hope that we hit it off. I have prayed for a long time that I would have a special commeradrie with them.

Still thinking about winter camp... I am seriously considering going home that week. Like SERIOUSLY. I think I will. I am just ALWAYS cold, and always sick, and that sounds like a recipe for disaster in my life. We'll see I guess but I doubt I will go. They probably won't even put me with Travis if I do go.

I CAN DRIVE A STANDARD NOW! Travis gave me my first lesson a while ago and now I can do it by myself! I wouldn't be confident in a big town but I can drive in the little ones just fine and that makes me pretty darn happy!

birthday...

Soooo tired.
It's 12:29 am and I am wondering why I am still on here. I got lots done today... I am trying hard to make some money for Christmas gifts! Today I thourally cleaned parts of the house, tidied the rest, made a big roast beef supper for a bunch of people and cleaned it up, did laundry, and did books. I guess it doesn't sound like much but I'm decently happy with it. Then I made mom her birthday letter. She loves those and I am generally the only one who makes them for her. I get to go buy her something for her birthday tommorro! Horray!

Good night all............. and no more bad dreams

Bad Dreams

Break!
At last, today I embark on break! That is, if everyone can figure out how to get me home! Eek! I might have to be a street person for the night! That wouldn't be much fun now would it?

So last night I had a dream that really frightened me. I dreamed that someone I really care about died. It was horrible! I have never dreamt that someone died before. The thing is it was just so real! I kept thinking in the dream " This has gotta just be a dream!" But then as soon as I thought that someone in the dream would show me that it was true. There were even medical facts and medical people involved. Then I was trying to find Travis and I couldn't, I was running aroung the school. Everyone kept following me telling me that it didn't really matter, it was God's will, and I was stupid to be so upset. I started running away from them as fast as I could just trying to find a place to be alone.

When I woke up Elli told me that I had been crying in my sleep. What could possibly have disturbed me enough that I would dream something like that? What is wrong with me?

Christmas feeling is missing...

ahhh the joys of Christmas.

We had the banquet today. I got to wear my red dress for the first time, and I felt pretty. I love the days when I feel pretty. They don't come around all that often.

Everyone is playing Christmas carols and getting all excited. I'm finding it a little hard to get into it this year, and I'm not really sure why. We even actually have snow for once! Maybe I just need a bit of a rest and a dose of family. Maybe I'll get that "Christmas" feeling when I go home and see the tree. Maybe it won't come till I have some money and buy some Christmas gifts.

Death

Death.

Auntie Gwen died.

We are having her funeral.

Dead. She's gone. You'll never see her again.

She was ninety six, and everyone said she was ready to go.

What did they know? Did they ask her, or did they assume she felt her age?

I feel like something was taken from her, and yet it wasn't, not really. Really, she was given life... right? Everlasting life.

We invest so much in our lives on earth, and I am left wondering about why. Is there a point?

There must be.

Maybe the point becomes clear after you die, and that's why there are so many confused people left behind...

The ones who were closest to figuring out the mystery are gone now.

friendship/intimacy

So we are doing a relationships class in school right now. I like it for the most part I just feel like it is kind of awkward because we are the only couple there at the moment. I feel like people are watching us... but they aren't really. I just worry too much.

I've been thinking a lot lately about intimacy... friendship... I guess all of the stuff that relationship class brings to the surface. I think that in order to have a really amazing relationship that is definately headed towards marraige you need to have both. I feel like Travis is my best friend, but I also share that intimate love with him that can only be known between lovers.

We were talking about how friendship has an outward focus, and intimacy has an inward focus. I think that you need both. We are trying to find that balance right now... the balance between spending time with other people, and spending " just couple" time to build intimacy. I think that the fact that we have started beginning each day with prayer together will be a good spiritual intimacy builder. We had been kind of avoiding that because when we first talked to pastor Harold he talked about how praying together causes really strong bonds and may not be wise at first. I guess we forgot to reassess when our relationship became a lot more serious!

Anyways, I gotta tootle, Love you guys lots!

Hockey!

Mmmm still tired. I slept more today than should be legal. But I realized that I didn't write about the marvellous game that I got to watch!!!

Travis had Adam come down for a while which was great, and I had Heather and Jody and Rose!

AND WE WATCHED HOCKEY!

I missed hockey so much! It made me sad because I barely recognized half of the team, and we didn't get much time with Matty. But it was so much fun! I can't wait to be a hockey mom!

surreal parents

A lazy sunday is today...
I feel like I have nothing to do. Travis is at work, I have no homework... we don't even have gas in his truck until friday, so i can't even really take off anywheres.

Yesterday I painted. I'm not very good at painting. I think that sometimes art is anything that speaks to us... not just when we look at it but also when we create it. Yesterday I made a painting of a house burning up at sunset. I wrote the word restless across the bottom in red. Anyone else might think that I was disturbed when I wrote it. I told Travis about it in front of his friend Adam and Adam was like " run Travis, run." Hopefully he was only joking about that. I think Travis knew what I meant though.

Sometimes I feel like even though this school is a wonderful place to learn about God, and I am so glad that he brought me here, and I am so glad that I met Travis... it feels surreal.

The lock ups at 11-1 feel weird. Last night I felt like I was in a jail and everyone around me thought it was a great place to be. Midnight came, and least we all turned into pumpkins, we were sent off into our girl's dorms. It's bothered me before but maybe when I really stopped to think about it, that's when it really hit me. Sometimes I feel like I am running away from swarms of parents who don't really know how to do their job. My own parents would never tell me " you have to be in your room at midnight!" They believe in freedom... and they realize that I am nineteen.

Not that I hate it here, I don't. I am thankful to be here and I am thankful for everything that I'm learning.

musings about time

Sometimes life seems to go so fast. . .

and yet so slow;

at the same time.

I'm not really sure how this is possible, but it seems to be. Perhaps, time isn't as constant as we thought is was.

I'll admit, it's a novel thought.

I once heard someone say that " time is the only constant we can count on. It stays the same, and it always keeps on going."

Perhaps science would prove that true... but then again science cannot actually prove anything. It can just help us to see the way things are a little more clearly.

Eternity.

Now there is a word that throws concepts about time for a loop all the way around the moon and back. Eternity.

Time without end, time that doesn't matter.

Does time even exist, or is it a figment of our imagination that helps us to understand what goes on in the earth we live in a little better?

Why does time go fast some days, slow other days, and some days it seems to stand still?

Why do some of us feel like we are old by the time we are twenty and others don't act like they should have outgrown diapers yet?

Why do so many people feel like they just turned nineteen when they are ninety, on their death bed?

Maybe time was part of the fall, part of the curse on mankind, and that is why we seem to constantly rebel against it. On earth, we have such a limited amount of time. In heaven, we cannot comprehend how boundless time will be.

So while we feel that time may consume us, press us, confine us, and restrict us... as long as we believe, it is the passing from this time into the time to come.... that will forever set us free.

break is coming...

YAY!
I'm so ready for a weekend! As much as I love it here, sometimes I feel like everything can be overspiritualized and overdiscussed. It drives me crazy on occasion. This week was Godly financial principles, next week is relationships class...

AND THEN COMES CHRISTMAS BREAK!!!!

3 weeks to make money and enjoy people without taking a single test. That is actually pretty exciting!

I'm starting the holiday at home to make some money and be with my family, from the fifteenth to the twenty third. I'm not sure if I am going home with Travis for Christmas itself or not yet. If I don't he will come get me boxing day and I will spend the rest of Christmas break in Vulcan, which is pretty exciting!

SO BRING ON CHRISTMAS BABY! YEAH!

money

So we've been busy talking about finances.

In class.

In real life.

It's making my head hurt.

I'm not sure if that's because I take it too seriously; or because it really is a serious subject? I'll assume the latter. It's something that I suppose I haven't been all that good at in the past... but that was probably because there was no reason to be.

I've discovered about myself that I am determined when I need to be. My passionate and stubborn personality funnel sheer determination into whatever matters most to me.

I'm hoping this is a good thing.

If it's not I am still stuck with it... and so is Travis.

I suppose we shall see.

big plans

Sorry guys I guess I have kind of been neglecting my duties as your wonderful blog maker... ha ha ha yeah right hey?

So Travis and I talked to Pastor Harold again today... he wanted to talk to us about where we were in our relationship. I really just wanted to talk to someone about the hypocrisy that I have found here and my frusterations with gossip etc.

All in all it actually went quite well. He didn't yell at us, and I didn't rip his head off and bash it into the register. Travis, of course, kept his cool.

I know what I'm getting for Christmas from my Travis! Yep, I even picked it out! But don't tell anyone... ssshhhhh we haven't said anything yet lol.

All of this relationship stuff has got us both thinking... what does the perfect little future look like. Yes, I will admit it sounds idealistic and maybe even crazy but we thought about it.

We would want a big dog, like a great dane lab cross, and a stock dog, which Travis would learn how to train. Travis is going to take his Police training so he will be a cop. We will have a little self sufficient farm with beef cattle ( commercial not pure bred), horses, some pigs and sheep and chickens, a garden, and a milk cow. We will have enough crops to feed the cattle if we can. We want to have a little bugalow log house, and six kids. He will have his dually, and I will drive a truck until the family gets too big and then I get a jeep commander. LOL.

Not that it'll happen like that but I think it's cool that we have the same ideas.

Oh I forgot the cats. He likes cats. I want one or two outside, and I specified that I want them orange if we can; I don't want them inside.

He laughed and said we'll get whichever one I fall in love with and it'll be in the house one day when he gets home from work, sitting like it was supposed to be there... all because I'll feel sory for it and invite it in.

He knows me far too well.

Ahhh love

Oh yes I know that I am mushy. I'm just so happy, what can I do about it? We have been talking about everything lately. It's amazing to me how serious we got and how fast... but I think that when you know, you know... and we do. So now I am just waiting for God's timing on everything. I am happier than I ever have been.

I think one of the most amazing parts of this is that God really did fulfil all of his promises to me. That makes my faith SO much bigger! He gave me a man that I can love, cherish, and look up to, forever and ever. That is truly amazing.

my crown

Today was great! I was kind of struggling with feeling a little bit down... I'm not sure why.
Class is amazing, I think that we will actually learn a lot. But because I was feeling down, I started praying. I was laying down and I saw this bright yellow and white light come and drape itself over me and all around me, embracing me. I saw a crown on my head, and a locket around my neck.

God told me that he was blessing me. It was exactly what I needed. All of my fears about everything just melted away and I was left with peace. God is so faithful every day in all of the little things, the big things, and everything in between. He is truly an amazing father.

Men are always right.

" Man are always right." Said the doctor nonchalauntly as he looked down my throat. " Don't you know that?"

He had no idea what he had just said!

So now I wait for my antibiotics to kick in. Apparently all this time that I have been sick I have had a sinus infection and that's why I haven't had the accoustics to sing! I will be pretty glad to be better after a few days. This is week five of being sick.

Last weekend home before mom and Julie leave for Arizona! Oh how I wish I was going with them to bask in the sun rather than braving the cruel -31 weather we have been blessed with the last few days!

Buzzing on coffee

YAY!
Yet another prayer answered! I really wanted to go home this weekend because mom and Julie and my baby Joseph ( yes, yes, okay not really my baby... I wish... but anyways) are leaving for Arizona next weekend. I really wanted to see them. I wanted to cook to. I kind of miss cooking. So I was all set to go home for a while... but Travis had to work on Saterday and I was kind of disapointed because I really wanted to spend some time with him at home... and cook for him!

So last night I prayed that God would let him come home with me this weekend. I felt a little silly about it because it seemed a little bit selfish... I mean did God really care if I got to spend this one weekend with my man?

Apparently!

Because he worked it out so that someone took Travis's shift and he can come home with me for ALL WEEKEND! I am so excited! Maybe a little bit silly but all the same I am excited!

And I wore wranglers again. Oh boy oh boy, those wranglers. The funny thing is I am starting to love them! I like feeling like a cowgirl again. Today I have two french braids, and a cowgirl shirt and wranglers and fake cowboy boots because my real ones are covered in horse crap. I love it. Travis loves it. It's kind of a win win situation.

Today Elli ( my roommate) told me something that really blessed me. I was standing in the doorway to our room in my gowgirl gear, and she looked taken aback. She was like " Chandie I just saw a side of you that I can't even explain, all at once. It wasn't even the cowgirl side it was something bigger!" I really wondered what she meant, and she elaborated a little bit. " You just looked so self confident and beautiful, and I haven't seen you that happy and self confident yet this year." I was so blessed to hear that! It kind of let me know that there is already good fruit from my relationship, and from seeing God's answers to prayer. It was really cool.

I have a Christmas concert that I am supposed to sing at on the eighth. I'm pretty nervous about it, because I don't know if my voice will be better by then. I want to go to the hospital and find out what is wrong with me this weekend. I hadn't realized it was that big of a deal, but I guess it is because there is my name alongside Alex's on posters all over viking. Ahhh boy, I bite my lip. That's a good reason to pray.

Sorry if this was really random and long, I just drank a bunch of coffee and am buzzing a little bit.
Blessings to all who read!

Dating.

So now it's official.
We're dating, I'm taken, he's taken... and everyone knows.
We talked to Pastor Harold about it today. Travis informed me that he thought it would be a good idea yesterday and I was terrified. He was pretty calm about it. I told him that he had to do all of the talking , which is unusual because as everyone knows... I talk a lot.

But, today when we got there he was really nice, and even seemed excited about the relationship. He told us that we had his blessing and prayed for us and gave us a book on dating. It was actually really amazing, and great to know that our relationship is blessed and above board. I'm so happy right now.

I think that this has been taking over a lot of my thoughts today. First there was the fear that it wouldn't go well, and then was the joy that is seems perfect! I'm looking forward to going home this weekend and am hoping that Travis can come again as well!

Hooray to God for answered prayer.

Anger

So I think that sometimes I get angry easily. Like last night I kind of told Heather that I wanted to pull a guys hair out with tweezers one by one from all over his body and then scalp him and pull his toenails and fingernails off and hang him upside down and pull his eyes out and then let him die because all of the blood rushed to his head.

He wasn't a vry nice guy.

And then there was yesterday when I got mad at a couple fellow students...

And sometimes I feel like ripping our teachers heads off because their theology sucks.

Honestly, I am the girl who can't shoot gophers...

But sometimes I wish I could as a stress reliever.

Prayer

I think that God has set the last couple of weeks up specifically to show me the power of prayer. He is amazing. Perhaps I am a little off in saying the last couple of weeks. Perhaps God has been setting my life up this way, and he has chosen the last few weeks to reveal it to me.

It excites me to no end, the more I think about it.

Direct answers to prayer from the GOd who cares about me more than anything else. He cares about each of us enough to take the time to answer our prayers even better than we could have thought to pray them.

Isn't that encouraging?

So I started thinking about what GOd says about prayer.

" Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed." James 5:16.

So by praying and confessing our sins to someone who shares our faith, and who we trust, we are healed. Healing is one of the most powerful movements in the bible. When we are healed we are at peace and we can do anything... and God gave us the equation that we needed in order to find this kind of healing!

Jude vs. 20 says

" But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith, and pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you eternal life."

vs. 24 says

" To Him who is able to keep you from falling and present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy- to the Only God our Saviour be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ out Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore."

Psalm 102: 17 says

" He will respond to the plea of the destitute, he will not despise their plea."

GOd has proven to me that he answers prayer in powerful and mighty ways. All of His promises are to be counted on, every single one.

Lazy days and drugs

Thus far, today has been a lazy day. Hence the purple. I don't know why purple seems lazy to me, but it does. I didn't even get up for church... terrible me. I just slept in, letting the rest that I needed so badly work on healing my ongoing cough and cold. Travis and I have a bit of a deal going on, if I am not better by noon on monday, I have to go to the doctor. Ridiculous I know, but I suppose I must stick with it.

It seems that Kirstie's quote book now has a new quote in it, compliments of your truly.

" God hasn't convicted me of my drug habit yet."

Hmmm, that didn't come out quite the way I meant it. I take cold medicine for medicinal purposes only, I assure you. When I need drugs, I rely on coffee.

The last few days have been so slow... but for once I don't mind. It seems like I generally am flying around a million miles a minute feeling passionate about anything that I run into. Even milk. I passionately do not like milk.

So... a day to just sort of laze about and not worry about feeling passionate or running around is nice.

Tommorro I will be passionate about something and everything again.

Wranglers.
Today I wore wranglers. They weren't even that uncomfortable, even though they were really high waisted.
So I thought to myself about why I haven't worn wrangers in about three years.
Rebellion perhaps. I think that sometimes I rebel against who I am, afraid that someone isn't going to accept me.
But why do I worry about acceptance?
The funny thing is, when we long for acceptance we do one of two things. We do what we think everyone wants us to do so they will accept us, or we directly rebel against it, pretending that we don't care what they think.
The truth is found in neither option. If I were free, I would continue to be me regardless of what anyone thinks, but at the same time I would not try to offend them directly.
I am guilty of trying to gain acceptance the wrong way.
So I didn't wear wranglers, both to prove to Dad that I didn't need his acceptance, and to gain acceptance from those who didn't approve of my western lifestyle.
BUT, That is who I am. I am western, I am a cowgirl. I love horses, I like the way wranglers look on my butt. My family are cowboy. When I have a house, I want to make it western. That is who I am. Why try to change it, why try to hide it.
So, the final conclusion... if I feel like wearing wranglers, I will. If not, I won't.
And the next time someone looks at me and tells me they hate cowboys I won't be afraid to tell them I am one of them.

tears

He took his life.
One fell swoop, one pull of a violent trigger, and he took his life.
He left everyone around him confused, wondering what had been the last straw.
Who was responsible, what was to blame?
All the good meomories, or the memories that people felt guilty for, came to the forefront of minds and conversation.
What happens when someone does that?
Today I was talking to one of my friends. Her ex boyfriend shot himself.
How do you handle that?
God had been trying to get his attention for so long... maybe it was Satan's biggest plan.
The sad part is that he succeeded.
There is no time for repentance between the pulling of a trigger and the bullet that sears through a brain.
That split second decision condemned him.
It seems so surreal to me. The guts, and yet the lack of guts that it would take for someone to hold a gun to thier head... and then pull the trigger.
It makes me mad at Satan.
It makes me mad at the world.
It makes me pray harder.
It makes me think.
Most of all, it makes me cry. For him, for everyone he left behind, and for Jesus... because that must have broken his heart.
He Died. Jesus died.
One suicide that ended death's rule over us.
Yet we turn away from him, we resent his gift, we refuse to accept it.
Life lays in the dust where he dropped it, while he ran headlong towards Satan's outstretched arms, and his great facade.
What an amazing God we have, that he would still have compassion on a world that has trampled his priceless gift to us so many times over.

tired

SO tired!
Funny how exhaustion hits you at different times during the day... and five minutes from now I will be overtired and will most likely be hyper... until my next tired spell. I think everyone here is tired this week. It's been so intense the last little while!

I need sleep tonight!!!!!!!! We have a mandatory Devo at 9:30 which will take a while. Hopefully everything will wrap up quickly enough that bedtime will come before I collapse in a heap on the floor!

tired

SO tired!
Funny how exhaustion hits you at different times during the day... and five minutes from now I will be overtired and will most likely be hyper... until my next tired spell. I think everyone here is tired this week. It's been so intense the last little while!

I need sleep tonight!!!!!!!! We have a mandatory Devo at 9:30 which will take a while. Hopefully everything will wrap up quickly enough that bedtime will come before I collapse in a heap on the floor!

overcoming

Back to the grindstone. Three essays to hand in today. Not that I minded that much, for some reason my twisted mind loves to put it's thoughts on paper.

I was a little bit ADD though, I just couldn't focus. The teacher seems really good ( a nice change because I didn't like the last one). Maybe I am just having a hard time going back to school books and routines after something like urban hike.

Andrew is letting me use his computer... which means I have to listen to him talking in the background... ha ha. I haven't had any huge revalations in the last day... I've just felt really close to God. Last night I was praying, frusteration was taking it's toll on my prayer life. I was confused and feeling like I couldn't overcome the temptations that were coming my way... nothing serious, I just didn't feel like I was growing.

Jesus told me to check out 1st John 5:5, about overcoming the world, through him.

I don't have to do it,
it's done.
I AM an overcomer.

Peace

Today I rested.
I like resting, sometimes I guess I just need a break. I came home, slept for a while, told my stories... and rested.

I love the fact that Jesus tells us about rest. " Come to me you who are weak and heavy laden and I will give you rest." Another scripture that has been playing on my mind is this one... " Peace, be still and know that I am God." Peace. Be still. Rest. I feel like the moon in a dark, somber sky. All I have to do is be. I light the dark, I am beautiful, but I don't have to work at it.
All I have to do is rest. All I have to do is be where Jesus put me. Perhaps simply by meditating on the thought, I am reconciled with my purpose.

rules

Shifting.
I kind of feel like I am shifting, changing, constantly on a journey. I don't know what my destination is. Some would scoff at this. " I know where I am going, my destination is heaven," They say.
Heaven.
But what is heaven?
All I know is that my God, my precious Jesus will be there.
But won't heaven be a continuation of the journey?
Heaven isn't a destination for me. I live, I cry, I laugh, I love. I die, I'm in heaven. Things always move from glory to glory, getting better.
I don't believe in regrets.
I believe in repentance, and trust. There is no room for regrets in my life. If I were going to waste my time regreting my past, how would I ever find the time to enjoy my present?
I believe in learning from everything. I think that Jesus works everything together for good. Even the things that could be seen as mistakes.
It really hit me today. I was thinking about the rules that GOd laid out for us. I was thinking about his rule about fornication. I broke that one. The one thing in my life that I would change if I could. The one thing in my life that hurt me more than anything has ever hurt me... was breaking that rule.
I thought that Jesus would hate me because of it. I thought that he made the rule, therefore when I broke it he would be standing there with a hammer, ready to punish me. He would call me disgusting. He would spit on me, he would look at me as worthless.

And then it dawned on me.

He made that rule for me, not against me. He made it so that I would hopefully not hurt myself. The fact that I broke that rule did not affect the way he saw my value in the least. He stood beside me and cried when I struggled, cried when I fell, cried when I got up and saw the dirt stains that covered me. And then he cried while he washed them off.

He doesn't make rules to be hard on me. He doesn't make rules so that he can decide how good I am by how many of them I keep and how many I break. He makes them to protect me.

Picture that you are a father or a mother. Your child comes up to you, and asks if she can touch the fire that is crackling away in the fireplace. " No, certainly not!" you answer her.

Did you make that rule to keep something from her that is good? Of course you didn't, you made it to protect her from getting burned!

I have learned that is how God is with us. He is truly our heavenly father!

rules

Shifting.
I kind of feel like I am shifting, changing, constantly on a journey. I don't know what my destination is. Some would scoff at this. " I know where I am going, my destination is heaven," They say.
Heaven.
But what is heaven?
All I know is that my God, my precious Jesus will be there.
But won't heaven be a continuation of the journey?
Heaven isn't a destination for me. I live, I cry, I laugh, I love. I die, I'm in heaven. Things always move from glory to glory, getting better.
I don't believe in regrets.
I believe in repentance, and trust. There is no room for regrets in my life. If I were going to waste my time regreting my past, how would I ever find the time to enjoy my present?
I believe in learning from everything. I think that Jesus works everything together for good. Even the things that could be seen as mistakes.
It really hit me today. I was thinking about the rules that GOd laid out for us. I was thinking about his rule about fornication. I broke that one. The one thing in my life that I would change if I could. The one thing in my life that hurt me more than anything has ever hurt me... was breaking that rule.
I thought that Jesus would hate me because of it. I thought that he made the rule, therefore when I broke it he would be standing there with a hammer, ready to punish me. He would call me disgusting. He would spit on me, he would look at me as worthless.

And then it dawned on me.

He made that rule for me, not against me. He made it so that I would hopefully not hurt myself. The fact that I broke that rule did not affect the way he saw my value in the least. He stood beside me and cried when I struggled, cried when I fell, cried when I got up and saw the dirt stains that covered me. And then he cried while he washed them off.

He doesn't make rules to be hard on me. He doesn't make rules so that he can decide how good I am by how many of them I keep and how many I break. He makes them to protect me.

Picture that you are a father or a mother. Your child comes up to you, and asks if she can touch the fire that is crackling away in the fireplace. " No, certainly not!" you answer her.

Did you make that rule to keep something from her that is good? Of course you didn't, you made it to protect her from getting burned!

I have learned that is how God is with us. He is truly our heavenly father!

wrinkles

Wrinkled, but your eyes harbour light,
deep light.
There is something about your smile,
you mean it.
A deep sense of loss lingers,
beneath the words that you say,
your voice makes me catch my breath.
What tornado, what hurricane,
what dark squall had the right,
to steal your pride?
I want to hug you.
I want to take you home.
You should not be here.
You remind me of Grandma,
wrinkled.
You look seventy two,
You are fifty eight.
Your white hair pulled back in a loose pony,
Your warm vest over pajamas.
Who stole from you?
Wrinkled.
Determination seeps from the lines,
the lines that are etched into your face.
Who let this happen to you?
Ten years. Ten years with your husband.
You are so thankful.
I would be mad at God.
Cancer stole from you.
No children, you say it is your biggest regret.
Could you do anything about it?
You have children now.
They don't have homes.
They dig needles into their arms,
to forget,
They drink and almost freeze to death,
They do anything they can,
to push away the memory that they don't have,
a mother,
a grandmother,
with wrinkles,
Like you.

I wrote this about a Lady we met named Ellen. She was homeless, in the drop in shelter. A beautiful woman.

confrontation

I think my word for the day is trust. I have realized that I DO have far more trust in Jesus than I thought I had. He is amazing. He gave me whatever I needed to get through anything I needed to get through during all of urban hike. I gained an appreciation for the people on my team as well, and learned to trust them.

The most difficult part of the trip was not really anything I expected at all. It didn't have to do with the people who we came to minister to, it had to do with someone on my team.

I had thought that everything was fine between us. We weren't best of friends but I loved her and had no problem with her. At debrief last night we sat in a circle and talked, and I told everyone in the cirlcle something about them that I had noticed and how much it blessed me. Pretty much everyone was blessed by it, except one person, who told me that I was too loose with my affection, that I didn't know these people so how could I love them, and basically that I had to re-evaluate my entire relationship with God. It was a bit of a tyrade, I felt like she was a shink, and she thought she had me pegged. It really hurt.

So I started thinking about it. How am I supposed to respond when someone puts down something that I feel good about, something that creates the very core of who I am? I prayed about it. Jesus told me that she was out of line, she said what she did because of her own issues.

It still hurts. But I love her anyways. I guess she will have to put up with it... is that a new definition of tough love?

If you readers wouldn't mind, please pray that I can sing again soon... that I get better. I have been sick for three weeks now.

beast

Last day of urban hike.
I'm utterly exhausted today. I am still loving it, but I am sick and low on sleep, and I have been working my butt off already for 15 hours. We don't get picked up to go to the church until 9:30 and then we still have debrief. Tommorro we get to sleep in. . . 6:45. Oh well, I guess we can sleep in the van on the way home.

All of this has twisted my mind around so much. There are so many opinions, so many approaches to the problem, and so many definitions of the problem. I have my own, but would it be the right one? Every piece is important to the puzzle.

So many of these places remind me of a pound, an spca for people. We take them in, clean them up, try to treat them with kindness and hope that they find a home. It sounds so crude, but it's true. I didn't start to think about it that way until I was cleaning everything with bleach, spraying things down with hoses. We feed them so fast. We work for hours upon hours, and within an hour they have gone through the line and eaten their fill. It's all about making sure they don't freeze to death, keeping them fed, and letting them have a few hours of sleep. They are all woken up and out of bed by 6 every morning.

So many people are devoting their lives to helping. I have thought about devoting my life to this. I'm still thinking about it. It just amazes me, the total difference in culture.

When we first got here, all I could see was the need, and I was so upset, horrified. Today, after a long day of work, and a lot of talking to people and listening to them, I started to feel frusterated with them as much as us. There were day jobs, paying 15.00 an hour posted over the intercom all day. 500 people sat in the cafeteria and never even thought about trying to get up and go make some money to get out of their predicament. The jobs were never all filled. I was sad again, but in a different way.

Then I heard a homeless lady talking about a boy she knew who froze to death last night on the street. He had alcahol in his system. He couldn't make it to the drop in centre.

How do I handle that news?

Is is our fault? Should we have picked him up, drug him to a bed, and forced food down his throat? He had opportunities that he didn't take. Did he choose his own death?

My thoughts sound so cruel to my own ears.

Am I a beast? Or am I trying to solve a problem with my pinkie finger that I could neverf solve with both hands?

On the streets

In the middle of no where... not quite; but that's teh feeling I get as I trapse around in the cold of downtown Calgary. We are actually in the middle of everything... the most populated, dangerous areas of the city; I have never felt so needed, or so much need in my life.

We are on our urban hike ministry trip, in case you were wondering. We left on Monday and we won't be back until Friday. We are surviving on the minimum, the trip is not about comfort. Right now I am so thankful to be able to use a public access computer to let you all know that I am still alive.

There is far too much to write about right now. It has been amazing. The point of the trip is to help out, and understand the lives of Canada's homeless population. We are living in the basement of a church, and are getting about 6 hours of sleep a night. The rest of the time we are volunteering at Calgary's various h0meless organizations, ( The mustard seed, salvation army, the drop in centre etc.) We are serving meals, preparing food, setting up clothing hand out centres, and even preaching on the street. There are literally thousands of people, and about 350 of them do not get a bed anywhere all night, even when it is forty below. The need is astonishing. Most of the homeless are men, actually about 80% are, but that's because the sex trade gives women another place to go. Everything I see makes me so sad, and makes me ask, as a christian, what should I be doing? These people are honestly in need, would Jesus ignore that? I don't think so.

Our first day we got a tour of salvation army ( my favourite place to volunteer so far) and then went with a street church to preach in the most dangerous area of town at about 9:00 pm. It was a dangerous situation but we trusted God to take care of us. WE handed out hot chocolate and pizza, and shared the good news with people. Some of them were really receptive, and it was amazing. They were truly hungry for a touch of love, a touch of humanity. The stench was incredible though,l and something we all had to overcome. It smelled like urine, booze, body odour, weed, and vomit. The people's stories, and their appearances were so sad. There was a few people who were very angry that we were there. One man tried to attack us while yelling " I am ready to kill!" None of us were the least bit frightened. At that point, I realized that God really does protect, and he does not give us fear. I could be a missionary in a dangerous position, if God called me there, and I would not be afraid. He tried to break the speakers, he attacked the guys, who jumped on him, and finally he walked to the end of the block and yelled at us to " turn it down, I can't hear the voices inside my head!" We all knew what those voices were, so all we did was stand there and pray and take authority over the enemy. Let me tell you, when you are actually in danger and you pray, it takes on a whole new faith dimension. We all felt compassion for him, not anger. One of the guys sobbed, heartbroken for him. Patrik commented " Now this is being real light in the darkness." It was an amazing beginning.

Since then we have seen so much, and done so much. I see how fortunate I am to have the support group and the family that I have. I would never wind up in that position. My heart is so broken for these people in a new way. When we don't have scheduled volunteering to do, we roam the streets looking for someone to help. We have taken a few people out for coffee, amid the funny looks from the "rich" people who watch us walk in with them. Their stories always make me cry. They are so lonely. They are so appreciative. It's amazing the places that you see Jesus. Sometimes you see it in someone sharing their joint with someone who has had a bad day. In a few days, I have gotten used to knowing what to look for as signs of where a person has been. I know what meth addicts look like. I know the signs of people who have shot drugs up thier arms. I know how to tell when a drug deal is going down. It's amazing. I know that when we walk downtown, the guys have to walk on the outside of the street, least someone think I am a hooker and he is my pimp.

A world that has always been so foreign is now becoming a cold reality before my eyes.

I will update you later. Love you all. Two more days.

meh

So I'm sick.
Nothing new but hey, it still annoys me.
We are leaving for urban hike on Monday.
I'm thinking about staying... err... conveniantly sick.
I'm scared and I don't want to go at all. Cities and me don't understand each other.
Anyways I don't feel like writing.

a touch of class,

We're doing welcome back weekend right now. All the alumni are here for the weekend, which is cool because there are lots of cool people, I just feel a little bit overwhelmed! There are so many people that I don't know in the place that I now consider home!

This week has been pretty draining emotionally. The last couple of days God started to build back up some of the walls that he had broken down, which was really nice.

My dependance on coffee has certainly increased! It's pretty exciting! I love coffee. Speaking of which I might go get some....

I am singing one of my songs tonight for our coffee house. I am nervous but I have an amazing band backing me up so it will be amazing.

Alex and I decided that we are going to have an evening here called " a touch of class," where we do classical music and jazz and dress up. We always agree on the point of class lol, we are so similar that way it's hilarious. I get to sing some jazz!!!!!

Jericho

Ahhh. Walls. All of my walls are being broken down.
It hurts. It hurts in a good way, and it is certainly something that I prayed for, but it still hurts. All of those deep areas of my heart, the ones covered in cobwebs, Jesus and I are uncovering and dealing with.
I am getting clean.

I am learning so much about prayer. Jesus is so real, and I think when I ( or we, whatever) pray, so often we don't really SEE that God is there. There are so many more ways to pray than simply saying " Dear God, thoughts, amen." That is important, but there is so much more to it than that. Listening is so important. I have been learning to be silent, all alone. Silent in my heart as well as my surroundings, and inviting God to speak to me. Listening is amazing. If I don't listen for a while every day, I miss it miserably.
Then last night I learned a new way to pray. I was having trouble seeing where God was in some situations, I felt abandoned. There had been a hurt in my past that had set me up to feel abandoned by God when the situations seemed to declare it.

Lael and I prayed until two o'clock in the morning. I closed my eyes, and we asked Jesus where he was. She asked me questions to help me go all the way back to the memort, remembering smells, and all the little details. When I asked Jesus, I could see him. I could physically see where he was the whole time. He was always there. Praying with me to the father, grieving for me, protecting me. He never once abandoned me. That was such an amazing discovery! The more I realize how to use my sacred heart to see Jesus, the more time I can spend with him in that way, past and present.

Today I prayed with Pastor Kevin. We worked through a lot of muck that had been there. He was such a blessing to me in the way he prayed knowing what he was praying about. All of our giftings are so amazing and I have found that you can really tell which instructors "get it" with all of their hearts. Kevin really does. While we prayed he said that I had a gift of healing and teaching ( healing meaning in the heart/spritual/emotional sense) he said that I have a gift of knowledge of the word of God, and that it isn't anything but that, a gift! It's mine! I found that really exciting because that is all stuff that I want to cultivate in my life.

All in all, my walls are being crushed like Jericho, but it is amazing. It is worth it. Every minute like this is worth it.

I am really hoping that a few people ( mainly Heather) can come visit me here!!! It is so wonderful!

journeys

Ahh the journeys that God takes me on.
Journeys of brokeness, restoration, pain and healing. He really is an emotional God. Sometimes I think that we separate ourselves from our emotions, and that isn't good. He didn't!

We did something last Thursday and Friday called a " 24 Hour Solo Time."

It was amazing! God and I had this little argument about it, I said " Nope, not going. There is no way I can spend that long by myself in complete meditory silence." He said " Yes, you are going. I need some alone time with you to talk about stuff. I am not a silent God, but I want you to be quiet for a while and listen to me."

To make a long story short, he won.

It was the most amazing 24 hours of my life. Instead of feeling isolated, I spent the whole time feeling like I was jealously guarding my honeymoon time with my lover. Had someone tried to talk to me I would not have been receptive.

God and I have been talking about releasing things. I have heard it said that releasing something to God means holding it with an open hand, instead of keeping a deathgrip on it. It means holding it so that he can take it away at any time.

Close, but not dead on.

What I have learned is that I need to give it up completely, release my hands from it in any manner shape or form. I need to give it to him, and then he will do with it what he wants. This requires trust. I would think that trusting the God of the universe would be easy. From a theological standpoint, it should be.

It's not.

Trusting God means letting go of everything important, and saying " Okay, you can take it away if you want. I don't need it. It is myy hearts desire but it isn't as important as you are." Not so easy to say when something matters to you.

So, finally I grasped this concept. I gave up. There was something in particular in my life that I gave up. Freedom.

Which is interesting because we are now studying living free in Christ...

a lil update

Ahhh the college days fly by. . .

It seems that nights with four hours of sleep are becoming normal,
and life revolves around those endless essays that need to be submitted;
They are never done before midnight.

God has been really working on my heart, my intimacy with him is my number one passion right now. I bought myself a new TNIV study bible, and I am amazed at how much of it is already highlighted. I find myself guarding that alone time with him with my life. The words that he says to me are so precious. No one can give me peace the way he can.

Of course, there is someone else who I also guard time with.

No. . . we aren't officially dating...

....
....
Yet.

We aren't allowed.

I think that I am a little bit crazy about him though. Okay maybe a lot crazy about him. I have never been this close to someone before. I can tell him anything and trust him to listen, speak truth, and be honest. He is awesome!
God will direct us in this. If it doesn't work, I will be okay, but I hope it does work.

I will never go to a normal concert again.
They are waay overrated.
I went to an opera house to hear a finnish a cappella group called rajaton ( riot-on) on Tuesday. Their music was perfect. Their timing was perfect, their pitch was percet, their tone was perfect. It was amazing.
Not one single person was out of place there, there was practically no alcahol involved.
Anyone who came to this concert came because they had a genuine understanding of quality music. Everyone was dressed up.
It was so classy!
I loved it, probably the best musical moment of my entire life!
Human music in it's purest form.

more college

I came home for the weekend!
Although I love school soooo much it is nice to have a few days to relax. I don't think that I will come home next weekend though. I like being able to spend some time with everyone at college when we can just hang out and not do anything at all.

I love the ultimate focus on God, so far this has been the most amazing place to grow. My relationship with God is flourishing more than it ever has before, and it is so exciting!

We just finished studying Mark, it is so good to have this much time to spend on the word.

On Friday night we had a youth gathering, and I got to be part of the planning and the leader of the worship band, along with Andrew! It was so awesome! We were able to impact the kids with an awesome message, and we were able to really have fun with them. We only had one day to practice as a band and we learned a couple of new songs, but we did pretty good! By the end we were getting encore requests, and I think the kids were really worshioing. It was so exciting!

The band decided that we are staying together and lending ourselves out to youth groups, and THAT is exciting! WE are going to start doing some of Mine and CUllens original songs, which is exciting too!

Everything is turning out awes0me, God is good

college life

So this is bible school.
This life that consists of dorms,
christian friends,
consitant and daily studies of the bible,
a deeper walk with God amongst like minded people,
deep, deep relationships,
trust.
This way of life, that is developing in me that produces
vulnerability,
trust,
Purity,
growth,
Fullfillment,
Sustainment,
Satisfaction.
I am over run with homework,
late hours talking with the girls,
a curfew, but not a bedtime,
and average of four hours of sleep,
But most of all the overwhelming and amazing way that God gives us all the ability to handle it.
I am seeing answer to prayer.
I am seeing the changes that have come over me.

Incredible.

The purity in this place, because of people who are choosing to devote all of their time, their passion, and their devotion to growing in God produces a purity that blows me away. It is unlike that of any church I have ever been in, any youth group I have ever attended. We have placed ourselves here on purpose so that we would grow together...

REAL CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY.

Life is good.

college life

So this is bible school.
This life that consists of dorms,
christian friends,
consitant and daily studies of the bible,
a deeper walk with God amongst like minded people,
deep, deep relationships,
trust.
This way of life, that is developing in me that produces
vulnerability,
trust,
Purity,
growth,
Fullfillment,
Sustainment,
Satisfaction.
I am over run with homework,
late hours talking with the girls,
a curfew, but not a bedtime,
and average of four hours of sleep,
But most of all the overwhelming and amazing way that God gives us all the ability to handle it.
I am seeing answer to prayer.
I am seeing the changes that have come over me.

Incredible.

The purity in this place, because of people who are choosing to devote all of their time, their passion, and their devotion to growing in God produces a purity that blows me away. It is unlike that of any church I have ever been in, any youth group I have ever attended. We have placed ourselves here on purpose so that we would grow together...

REAL CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY.

Life is good.

college life

So this is bible school.
This life that consists of dorms,
christian friends,
consitant and daily studies of the bible,
a deeper walk with God amongst like minded people,
deep, deep relationships,
trust.
This way of life, that is developing in me that produces
vulnerability,
trust,
Purity,
growth,
Fullfillment,
Sustainment,
Satisfaction.
I am over run with homework,
late hours talking with the girls,
a curfew, but not a bedtime,
and average of four hours of sleep,
But most of all the overwhelming and amazing way that God gives us all the ability to handle it.
I am seeing answer to prayer.
I am seeing the changes that have come over me.

Incredible.

The purity in this place, because of people who are choosing to devote all of their time, their passion, and their devotion to growing in God produces a purity that blows me away. It is unlike that of any church I have ever been in, any youth group I have ever attended. We have placed ourselves here on purpose so that we would grow together...

REAL CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY.

Life is good.

Random thoughts on mortality

It's tuesday.
Tuesday.
I have to leave on Sunday. It seems that time is flying away and I am trying to catch up with it.
That seems to happen a lot though. Time's swift motion reminds me of my mortality. Life is only good because God is bigger than mortality. That makes me a little less afraid.

I suppose it seems that at this rate, I will be a Grandmother, sitting in her rocking chair humming " Just as I am," thinking how I had never really caught up to time.

Interesting how God knows how many days we are to live before we begin a one of them, and yet we have such a strong instinct to keep ourselves alive. Our drive of self preservation gives of fear of anything that is irrational or dangerous.

Yet, do we really have reason to fear?

These thoughts seem to be filling my mind more and more these days.

I am not afraid to go to heaven. On the contrary, nothing inspires, amazes, excites, and comforts me more than the knowledge that one day I will see my Father face to face.

I am afraid to die. I shouldn't be. The bible says " Yea though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for thou art with me." I should have no fear in life or death.

Perhaps I am simply being morbid, and I should not even think about these things for many years. Nineteen years full of life, heartbreak, love, laughter, friendship, worship, music, and amazing moments that no one, least of all me deserves... they have been wonderful. Any other years that I have to live will hopefully be full of the same.

Yet I continue to ponder mortality.

I have arrived safely home from camping.
We had a great time, Saterday Cody, Klay, Logan and I floated down the river for about seven hours. I have a lovely sunburn to show for it as well. We started drinking ( out of necessity of course, it was hot out) at about noon, by three I knew I had to slow down! When we got back to the campsite everyone else was there, so we shot some skeet and ate some steak.

We wound up sitting around the campfire telling jokes and stories and drinking. There were some good jokes and some better stories. Thirteen year old Braydon was stealing beer, so by about three he was throwing up. Cody made it till three or so, and Brad, Chase, Lawrence and I decided we were going to pull an all nighter. Everyone else made it to bed somewhere between three and four. I don't know how many times we did a cheers to being the last four. But... then Lawrence got REALLY hammered, and started talking in an Irish accent and jabbering away about his Irish heritage. He got mad at us when we laughed at him, and then he got mad at me that I wouldn't date him! He wound up telling me, in a heavy Irish accent and a whole lot of rolling rrrrr's, that he never cared to meet me again.

Finally Brad got Lawrence to go to bed, so it was just him and Chase and me. We sat there and did cheers to everything imaginable. I had a good talk with Brad about Kaylie, and Chase decided that we should date ( yeah he's cute but not happening). We made it to bed at about six or seven.

This morning we got up fairly early, and went fishing for a while. Then we took air mattresses and floated down the river on them, we made two teams and tried to push the other team off of the mattress. Once again I got pretty sunburned but it was fun. I got dunked about a million times.

So now I am exhausted! Having fun is hard work!

random is as random does

Camping.
Now we decide to go camping. Ahhh, fine and dandy, but that means that after the house ( which, thanks to the grad party is an ABSOLUTE disaster) is cleaned, we have to clean out and load the motor home.

I am beginning to think that the total amount of time for me to be home before leaving for school will be minimal.

I got a phone call back from CLBI telling me that it will be fine for me to be there on the third rather than the second. GOOD NEWS!

Not that I am particularily excited about Dwayne's wedding... in fact I called him a donkey hole at my grad because he made me step in poop. Just one of many things that make him... himself. The dancing part is exciting though! Finally a night where hopefully I can dance away!

Anyways, burnt supper is calling my name, adios!

Grad Day

Ahhh, crazy. Here I sit in front of this ruddy computer at 12:39 a.m. after a very busy day, and a very sleepless night. I did a lot of worrying about this whole grad day thing. It turned out to be just as Heather said it would. Wonderful.

We did all of the pictures here, and Heather took them. Her big bravery is causing my tired eyes tears. She did family pictures, grandparent pictures, individual pictures! They turned out soooo good! I am uploading them onto MY computer right now. ( Yes that explains the insane hour that I am still up at). She was also the most supportive, awesome best friend that I could ever imagine having there for anything like this. She is amazing maid of honour material thats for sure!

Then, we had supper. Garlic prawns and a stuffed potatoe. I had been thinking about it for a long time. I think I've known what I was going to order since we planned the whole thing. Mom, Julie, and Grama gave me a fantastic album that I will treasure forever. THAT was the BIG SURPRISE that I was just SO worried about. Yeah.

So then a few of us headed to the lounge. Dwayne hates Curt and Curt was there for me, so there was a little tension in the air. For the longest time the music sucked and Curt was tired and I was kinda sad... but then I talked to the waitress and she put on a few good songs for me. Curt and me danced, ( he told me I was perfect!) and then Dad and me danced. That was all I needed really, it made me really happy. Then I got a kiss on the cheek and a hug from my best guy bud and we all left with toothpicks in our eyes. The music went really downhill after the first couple songs so we didn't think there was much point in staying. I am supposed to go to Red Deer for a weekend before school starts or in December to spend some time with Curto. We'll see, I think my plate might be pretty full already!

SOOOO now that all the pictures are uploaded, and I just seriously fell asleep for a couple seconds, I'm gonna go catch some z's. g'night.

Random update

So, shoot me. Yes, go ahead.

Okay so I am not sure why I said that, but it was a little bit fun anyways. Don't shoot me. I know God would forgive you if you did, but then you would miss me, wouldn't you?

So I spent the weekend in Fort Mcmurray with my best bud Heather and her friend/ cousin Alissa ( so sorry if I got your name wrong hun). It was FANTASTIC! One of the best weekends of my life. I learned lots about hockey, though I still have lots to learn. There was Tim Hortons coffee at the motel. For free. Someone must have shot me and sent me to heaven. We had awesome not girlie girl times... if that makes sense. ( if not, that is interpreted as girl times without all of the stupidness. Yes, we giggled, but guys do too trust me. We just avoid the whole " do you think he likes me?" " Oh I don't know, did you see the way he looked at so and so?" " Uh the skank" and so on and so on moment by moment breakdown of every move a guy makes. WE don't do that.)

We ALMOST saw a timberwolf because a lady who was camping in Fort Mac saw one, and then we went to her campsite. I think that counts as an ALMOST sighting.

Tommorro is a big day. I have to do this whole grad thing and am a little nervouse for everything. I keep thinking my face is going to blow up overnight or something. That and I don't know what mom is planning... eek! Hopefully all goes well and my jitters are not necessary.

Colledge starts in... about two weeks. I am pretty nervous about it. I keep dreaming that I am there and no one likes me.

I lost my cat... he scratched someone, so we had to put him down. Thankfully I was gone when it happened, because it was really hard on me and I didn't want to see him, before or after it happened. I made a point of saying goodbye to him before I left and cuddling with him.

When I got home Klay surprised me by giving me one of his little orange kittens, so I am naming him after both of my deceased cats, Ginger Soda. He is on my lap right now.

Cheers to tommorro ( oh ya, I can't cheer without a drink... oops)

confusion quicksand

Still thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. It should be simple you know. I should just be married, having babies, and completely secure. But, because of my independent and flighty nature I haven't made it that far yet. ( yes I am sober as I write this, just a little hopped up on cold medication.)

I am thinking that I might have lost my marbles, thinking about someone who is younger than me. But, my brain insists on arguing with me, it is only a year. And then there is the straight out fact that he isn't classed among most people as the best looking fellow they have ever seen. But Damn does he ever look good in that cowboy hat. And then, it would be so nice to be totally adored by someone again. I miss that, I really do. We want the same things out of life for the most part... why does love and all that jazz have to intrude upon a decision that is already difficult to make? It just doesn't make sense, it's not fair.

The truth is that whether I decide to go or not, God will bless me because he is faithful. He is always faithful. The truth is that if I don't date Levi then I will probably still find someone who will make me happy because there are a million guys out there. But there are truths that contradict truths, and lies that seem to agree with truths, and all in all they are spinning out of control in a circle that I am standing in the middle of. I hear voices all around me telling me which ways to go, where to turn, telling me how to figure out the quicksand that is settling under my feet. Eventually I am going to have to stand on my own two feet and decide what I am going to do. I can't stay deciding forever.

second thoughts

Ahhh the heat. It was pretty hot today, I was able to work on my tan! I rode Blondie over some pretty good jumps today, I think she is about ready to sell. Found out that I got accepted to colledge, which is great, except that now I am having second thoughts about whether or not this is what I want to do. Maybe that is just butterflies, but I am scared I will fail, I will be the only one there like me, that no one will understand me and this really isn't my best path. I just hope that I am heading in the right direction.

I took some time by myself to think today, when everyone went roping. I just stayed home and rode my own horse and listened to my own thoughts. It was actually kind of nice.

So I feel an itch to write about rednecks. Real rednecks. The kind that I am related to, am friends with, and the kind that I am; perhaps I should say unfortunately but I am actually proud of where I came from.

I saw a lot of every different kind of person this long weekend, at Big Valley Jamboree. I saw druggies and cowboys, people pretending to be cowboys, skids and skaters, a whole wack load of drunk people, and some normal down to earth human type folk. I could sit at the computer and write stories about these people till the cows come home, but I'd like to get a decent night's sleep for the first time in a while. We saw a few couples emerging together out of an outhouse ( yeah, the really super small portable kind), the boys saw one nasty old lady change her underwear right in front of them. I have a picture floating around somewhere of a guy trying to kiss me and me pulling back, if anyone sees it anywhere return it to me, haha.

The music was awesome, the comedians were great, and it was probably one of the best times I ever had! All that country music, though, and particularily Gretchen's concert, got me thinking about the redneck, cowboy, farmkid way of life.

So I went golfing today with My brother, Levi, and my cousin Dustin. I didn't actually golf, I just gave unwelcome advice and kept score. WE WERE REDNECKS! I have golfed with people before, but never like this. First of all, there are four of us crammed in with a roping bag in the crowded cab of a '92 dodge half ton that has spurs hanging from the rear view mirror. The guys are all wearing their cowboy hats, their wranglers, and their cowboy belts and buckles. When we get our carts, they all take their shirts off to stay cool. ( this is, by the way, a rather large golfing no no.) I would have worn my hat but I didn't think it would go with the camo mini skirt. ( another no-no on a golf course).

So, we are minding our own business, playing happy gilmore on hole 4, and the beverage cart lady comes up to us, looking at us all a little funny in our less than average golfing gear. Levi and Cody let out a great copenhagen spit without even thinking right in front of her. Her face screwed up in this awful grimace and she says " Ooh, can you just not spit on the green? It's going to kill the grass, that's nasty, can you just not spit? Like just don't spit." Huh. So she had never met a copenhagen chewing, cowboy hat wearing, belt buckle shining, yes maam yes sir kinda man before. Lucky me I know a crap load of them. Then we are driving along, not causing much trouble, spitting on the green like fools ( yes, even I joined into the spitting, you don't have to chew to spit), and these old ladies clad in traditional golf gear came up to us. One of them whispered ( in a lovely stage voice) " Oh will you look at those hillbillies!" The other lady just stared at us with her eyes wide open. Really, are we that strange? I suppose we don't really stay quiet when we are hitting balls, and we drive the golf carts like guttless cow-checking quads, and we do look a little funny...

So, I have had approximately five hours of sleep in the last twenty four hours so I probably didn't make a lick of sense. I am gonna call 'er a night now.

Joe coming home...

So, Julie and little Joe should be home any minute now. I will put in a few pictures of him as soon as I get a chance. I took about 180 of them last night, and a lot more than that earlier. When we went to visit them last night they were both doing really well. He is just the most beautiful newborn imagineable!

We were blessed with a good dose of rain last night and some cool weather! Hooray!

Now I need to get back to scrubbing the kettle with CLR!

baby

I just watched a brand new life open his eyes for the very first time in our world. I watched him take his first breaths, his first cry, and his first little poop.

Jospeph was born to Charlie and Julie Robertson this morning at 4:35. At that point Julie had been in certain labour since about nine. That is when we started timing contractions. He was the most beatiful baby that I have ever seen, although I could be a little bias I suppose.

I will post a picture of him as soon as I can.

When Klay Farts

Ahhh, today seemed to be a long day. We have heat back... I am actually looking forward to a break from it; realize, this is something that you will rarely hear me say. It has been so hot that I haven't gotten much horsework done, which isn't really good, because I have a lot of it to do. The horses all look so good.

So, today, I got in trouble. Can you believe that? I actually got in trouble! Ah! I was flabbergasted really. Utterly upset. The indecency of it. And all I did was beat my little brother up, on the trampline. Imagine a mother getting upset over seeing her son tossed around a few times, held down by his neck, smothered a little bit, rolled on, tossed down and smothered again. Really, how could some poor mamma bear get a little worked up over watching her son get a sleeper hold, a choker hold, a "what the heck ya call it" hold, and a "jump in the air and land on him" hold. Huh, I can't imagine what in the world she would have been upset about, it's not like I got make-up or perfume out and really tortured the poor kid. He weighs more than me now anyways! I guess trouble must just like following me around.

What he did to me was far worse. He farted while I was holding him down.

Allow me to educate you. Dad fluffs, his farts really don't stink at all, but they make a lovely sound. If you were deaf, you would never know that he had farted. Cody, well, he toots. You can smell it a little bit but it isn't really unbearable. He also makes a noise. If you were deaf you would certainly have an inclination that someone had farted when Cody lets one rip. Mom and I, well, we only fart in the bathroom. As long as you leave the door shut and let the war zone alone for a few minutes, you'll never know either of us had ever farted. Now Klay, on the other hand; HE FARTS! You're eyes water, your nose thinks that it died and went to a sulpherous, wretched version of nose hell. You're ears are assaulted by this sound that makes me quake in my boots. It's like cannons compared to pellets, or buckshot. It is an all out war weapon. ( He is reading this. My eyes just started watering, my nose and ears assaulted by his deadly weapon. That I continue writing is an act of God, really.) And then there's the one that is silent but deadly. You don't hear it coming. It's like a silencer on a gun. You're standing there, smelling a daisy, and all of a sudden you wonder why it smells like a dead gopher who's been lying in the sun after eating rotten potatoes and rotten eggs and week old fish guts lying next to an angry skunk by a malt plant. You swear you will never smell that particular kind of flower ever again. You're nose feels like it might have just fainted, and fallen off of your face.

The miracle of this stinky story is that I didn't give up. I really ought to recieve a military medal of honour for that. And he smothered me a little too. It was blessed relief.