So its been forever... Then again I have a good excuse... A brand new baby takes up a lot of time! Intfoducing baby Emma Audrey Schmeelke, born June 7th 2008, five pounds five ounces. She is absolutely beautiful!
Its funny, you know, I thought that I knew what love is... But there is nothing in the world like the love of a mother for her child. It is like nothing I have ever experienced. It is amazing and intense. She us so much a part of me, and yet so much herself. Its like a tidal wave of emotion pours out of me every time I look at her, every time I hear her cry, every time I hear her laugh, or are her smile. I want to fix everything for her! Every boo boo, every heart ache, every sad moment;
I wonder as I look at her and clap for her four month old efforts, as I watch her roll over, or grab a rattle for the first time; I wonder what she will be like someday. I wonder who she will grow into at 2, 5, 8, 12, 16, 60? I am just amazed at ago she is already and she can't even talk yet!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
So... I am discovering the virtue of patience! I wasn't having a very hard time waiting for this baby, until I thought it was coming and it turned out to be nothing but a very convincing dress rehearsal! I was in the hospital for twelve of fifteen hours of contractions, to no avail. I'm still closed tight as a tick. *sigh*
At least I feel more prepared about it now... I think maybe that is why God let me have the false labour. Now I know that whatever comes my way I'll handle it just fine. I know that Travis is going to be an incredible support person, and I know that h...e... double hockey sticks and high water won't be able to keep my mom away. It'll be good. I'll do ok.
At least I feel more prepared about it now... I think maybe that is why God let me have the false labour. Now I know that whatever comes my way I'll handle it just fine. I know that Travis is going to be an incredible support person, and I know that h...e... double hockey sticks and high water won't be able to keep my mom away. It'll be good. I'll do ok.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
life and death
Is it bad to be a christian who doesn't entirely understand death?
Not that I haven't seen it, heaven knows from the time I was tiny the intricate workings of life and death became very apparent to me. Sex was the bull and the cows making calves. Death was the stillborn calf that we tried to ressusitate, the baby birds I tried to rescue, the horse Dad had to shoot, the precious puppies who took too long to be born, who we worked on and worked on until breath left them forever. Death was the abandoned premature piglet that we bottle fed with a baby bottle until it got pnemonia and died. Death was everywhere. Death was as much a part of life as the babies that were born and healthy, sputtering and breathing in thier first breath. Life and Death, Death and Life.
But lately it's just hitting me. It started when I held little tiny Tim, as he struggled before death claimed him, still warm in my hands. Then my Auntie Erna died, and I cried as I wore the slippers that she had knitted and slept in an empty bed in her empty house. Then the dog that I had grown up with, Jill, finally passed away. Just as we seemed to be " moving on" ( isn't that what we are supposed to do?) My uncle Lorn passed away. Two precious people, only four and a half months apart. Then I found out that my favourite person from where I used to work died.
I think the part that frightens me is that I don't know how to respond... I feel guilty when I'm not crying, I feel silly when I am crying. I know that Jesus has taken them all to be with him, that every struggle in their life is over, forever, finished. It's just hard to comprehend that they are here... then they are gone. My mind races and I worry... how can I handle the rest of the people that I am sure to lose in this lifetime leaving? The thought terrifies me...
It makes me think of Cory Tenboom getting on the train... and her father's wisdom.
" Cory, when do I give you your train ticket?"
" Just before I get on the train."
" So it is with our wise heavenly father, he gives us what we need for what we are going to go through just before we go through it."
Perhaps I need to just relax and rest in God, knowing that it's ok, he will give me the strength that I need, just before I need it.
I need not be afraid of death, and if I am, I just need to reach higher for his almighty, comforting hand.
Not that I haven't seen it, heaven knows from the time I was tiny the intricate workings of life and death became very apparent to me. Sex was the bull and the cows making calves. Death was the stillborn calf that we tried to ressusitate, the baby birds I tried to rescue, the horse Dad had to shoot, the precious puppies who took too long to be born, who we worked on and worked on until breath left them forever. Death was the abandoned premature piglet that we bottle fed with a baby bottle until it got pnemonia and died. Death was everywhere. Death was as much a part of life as the babies that were born and healthy, sputtering and breathing in thier first breath. Life and Death, Death and Life.
But lately it's just hitting me. It started when I held little tiny Tim, as he struggled before death claimed him, still warm in my hands. Then my Auntie Erna died, and I cried as I wore the slippers that she had knitted and slept in an empty bed in her empty house. Then the dog that I had grown up with, Jill, finally passed away. Just as we seemed to be " moving on" ( isn't that what we are supposed to do?) My uncle Lorn passed away. Two precious people, only four and a half months apart. Then I found out that my favourite person from where I used to work died.
I think the part that frightens me is that I don't know how to respond... I feel guilty when I'm not crying, I feel silly when I am crying. I know that Jesus has taken them all to be with him, that every struggle in their life is over, forever, finished. It's just hard to comprehend that they are here... then they are gone. My mind races and I worry... how can I handle the rest of the people that I am sure to lose in this lifetime leaving? The thought terrifies me...
It makes me think of Cory Tenboom getting on the train... and her father's wisdom.
" Cory, when do I give you your train ticket?"
" Just before I get on the train."
" So it is with our wise heavenly father, he gives us what we need for what we are going to go through just before we go through it."
Perhaps I need to just relax and rest in God, knowing that it's ok, he will give me the strength that I need, just before I need it.
I need not be afraid of death, and if I am, I just need to reach higher for his almighty, comforting hand.
Monday, March 31, 2008
So I have been musing again...
I was thinking about homeless people. Sounds like a category but I don't mean it to be. I know that they are as different from each other as we are.
When I was with Grandma, in Edmonton, taking her to and from the clinic for her surgery, there was a couple of homeless men that stood outside of the building. One wore a sign around his neck " money for food," the other just stood there, saying hello to everyone who walked by and almost blocking the sidewalk off.
I would have given the one money, but he chose an unfortunate spot to beg... everyone already used all their change on parking, five loonies an hour. Of course, I politely said hello to the other one, as I walked past.
That's when I became a little horrified at myself. I had this overwhelming fear that he was going to choke me from behind, and I felt like breaking into a solid mad dash. Perhaps this is because of the time when I was working, and one of our dimensia patients choked me hard from behind. I'm not sure. But I don't know why all of a sudden this fear just seized me.
It seems to me that no matter how hard I try not to let them become marginalized in my mind, they still are to a point. Although I want them to meet Jesus, I want them to have good food, I plan on volunteering when I can to help them... I still see them as a little frightening, esspecially when I am walking with my just operated on Grandma, and my tiny unborn child. I just want to pray about this, and I know that God will lead me to see it the way that he does.
That's what I want, and not just for homeless people. How often do I walk by someone and judge them... wrongly.
I just want to see people the way that Jesus does, to be loving and cautious, wise as a serpent, but gentle as a dove.
I was thinking about homeless people. Sounds like a category but I don't mean it to be. I know that they are as different from each other as we are.
When I was with Grandma, in Edmonton, taking her to and from the clinic for her surgery, there was a couple of homeless men that stood outside of the building. One wore a sign around his neck " money for food," the other just stood there, saying hello to everyone who walked by and almost blocking the sidewalk off.
I would have given the one money, but he chose an unfortunate spot to beg... everyone already used all their change on parking, five loonies an hour. Of course, I politely said hello to the other one, as I walked past.
That's when I became a little horrified at myself. I had this overwhelming fear that he was going to choke me from behind, and I felt like breaking into a solid mad dash. Perhaps this is because of the time when I was working, and one of our dimensia patients choked me hard from behind. I'm not sure. But I don't know why all of a sudden this fear just seized me.
It seems to me that no matter how hard I try not to let them become marginalized in my mind, they still are to a point. Although I want them to meet Jesus, I want them to have good food, I plan on volunteering when I can to help them... I still see them as a little frightening, esspecially when I am walking with my just operated on Grandma, and my tiny unborn child. I just want to pray about this, and I know that God will lead me to see it the way that he does.
That's what I want, and not just for homeless people. How often do I walk by someone and judge them... wrongly.
I just want to see people the way that Jesus does, to be loving and cautious, wise as a serpent, but gentle as a dove.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
2 pound chiuauas
Preparing for a new life... that's what I feel like. No... not what I feel like, what I am doing!! It's amazing, surreal, strange, wonderful, excellent, frightening, invigorating, exhausting, exciting, and completely overtaking.
It feels like there is just nothing in the world quite as important as this baby and it's arrival into the world. Perhaps that is silly. There are a million babies that are born every day... but none of them are mine. None of them were created in my body by God. None of them have been for me, the world's greatest surprise... this tiny person wrapped ( of all things) in my own body for nine ( but really ten) long, long months. It's the biggest miracle, the greatest gift, and it is happening from me... from the person that I love the most... in me. It is indescribable. So strange and yet so wonderful at the same time.
Picture a 2 pound chiuaua. That is the approximate weight of my baby right now. Picture that it is jumping around in your tummy, sleeping, waking, moving. As excited as I am about it, it is certainly a strange sensation!
Anyways, this is my most recent ponderings on motherhood!
It feels like there is just nothing in the world quite as important as this baby and it's arrival into the world. Perhaps that is silly. There are a million babies that are born every day... but none of them are mine. None of them were created in my body by God. None of them have been for me, the world's greatest surprise... this tiny person wrapped ( of all things) in my own body for nine ( but really ten) long, long months. It's the biggest miracle, the greatest gift, and it is happening from me... from the person that I love the most... in me. It is indescribable. So strange and yet so wonderful at the same time.
Picture a 2 pound chiuaua. That is the approximate weight of my baby right now. Picture that it is jumping around in your tummy, sleeping, waking, moving. As excited as I am about it, it is certainly a strange sensation!
Anyways, this is my most recent ponderings on motherhood!
Sunday, March 09, 2008
stability
It's been a while since I last wrote! Not having internet at home probably makes that kind of difficult. Life hasn't changed much in the last while... maybe the only thing that has changed is that I am getting used to the way that things don't... change.
I guess when I was younger there was always another hill to climb, another milestone to reach, another year older meant so much. Finish school, move out, first kiss, bible school, marriage, pregnancy. I was always on the move, always living somewhere else and thinking about how things would change... and they did.
Funny isn't it that stability is something that you actually have to get used to. I think that is what it is. Stability. And things will change again... in three months I will be holding this new baby in my arms, and there will be a whole other being in this world because God loved me enough to trust me with it. But no matter what changes from now on I will always have stability.
I think it is interesting that despite ourselves, God gives us what we most need and most desire. I wouldn't have even known how to find stability for myself, but He did, and He knew how incredibly much I needed it. So he sort of dropped it in my lap and said " ok, here you go, now what do you think of that?"
I am slowly becoming acustomed to the idea that everything is ok. Today, yesterday, tomorrow. God has looked after it all.
I guess when I was younger there was always another hill to climb, another milestone to reach, another year older meant so much. Finish school, move out, first kiss, bible school, marriage, pregnancy. I was always on the move, always living somewhere else and thinking about how things would change... and they did.
Funny isn't it that stability is something that you actually have to get used to. I think that is what it is. Stability. And things will change again... in three months I will be holding this new baby in my arms, and there will be a whole other being in this world because God loved me enough to trust me with it. But no matter what changes from now on I will always have stability.
I think it is interesting that despite ourselves, God gives us what we most need and most desire. I wouldn't have even known how to find stability for myself, but He did, and He knew how incredibly much I needed it. So he sort of dropped it in my lap and said " ok, here you go, now what do you think of that?"
I am slowly becoming acustomed to the idea that everything is ok. Today, yesterday, tomorrow. God has looked after it all.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Well apparently I am still unloved but I will write ... because I think I mostly write for myself anyways.
I am finding a new level of my relationship with God. Not that it has levels really... but the bible talks about ever moving from glory to glory. I feel like this is a new glory. A new and wonderful chance to get to know who God is in a new way.
As creator,
As my sustainer...
I just feel so helpless in so many ways at this time in my life. I have no way to reach inside and ask my little one " How are you? Doing ok honey? Too hot or too cold? what do you feel like for supper?" No. I just have to be content with the occasional nudge from the inside, and the peace that Jesus gives me. It is so surreal what is going on inside of me that some mornings I wake up feeling like " oh, was I dreaming, there can't really be a little person inside me can there?" But... then I stand up and see my protruding belly and go " Well, either I ate too much turkey over the holidays or there really is a little person inside of me!"
Crazy. It is just another excersise in getting to know my Lord!!!
I am finding a new level of my relationship with God. Not that it has levels really... but the bible talks about ever moving from glory to glory. I feel like this is a new glory. A new and wonderful chance to get to know who God is in a new way.
As creator,
As my sustainer...
I just feel so helpless in so many ways at this time in my life. I have no way to reach inside and ask my little one " How are you? Doing ok honey? Too hot or too cold? what do you feel like for supper?" No. I just have to be content with the occasional nudge from the inside, and the peace that Jesus gives me. It is so surreal what is going on inside of me that some mornings I wake up feeling like " oh, was I dreaming, there can't really be a little person inside me can there?" But... then I stand up and see my protruding belly and go " Well, either I ate too much turkey over the holidays or there really is a little person inside of me!"
Crazy. It is just another excersise in getting to know my Lord!!!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
worry and faith
I wonder if it's just a girl thing,
worrying.
Maybe men worry too but just about different things, or maybe they hide their worrying... or maybe they have to much common sense male logic to worry. Who knows.
I just know that I struggle so much with worrying. Worrying that Travis is working in the freezing cold on top of the roof of a building. Worrying that there is something wrong with the baby ( even though every test comes back with perfect results). Worrying about money, worrying that my house isn't clean enough, worrying about work, worrying about family that have issues.
And then I pray. And I let it go. And I hear his calming, soothing, wonderful voice resonate through my soul " It's all going to be ok." He always seems to tell me that.
He has given me so many promises about this pregnancy! He has given me so many promises period and they just amaze and flabbergast me.
The best part?
They always come true!
Every time, without fail.
He tells me to give burdens not meant for me to him, he tells me that things are fine, they are good, they are perfect...
And yet I still struggle with worry?
How ridiculous I must be! How insane, how silly! How little faith. What amazes me so much is that in the midst of my worry he continues to console me, to talk to me, love me, cuddle me in his perfect way. I don't trust him like I should, only the way that I can at the time... and he is so amazing that it's good enough for him that I keep listening and asking for his voice.
I am hoping that God keeps building my faith, he is so gentle with me! I think that listening to him will be the most valuable thing I have as I head into motherhood.
worrying.
Maybe men worry too but just about different things, or maybe they hide their worrying... or maybe they have to much common sense male logic to worry. Who knows.
I just know that I struggle so much with worrying. Worrying that Travis is working in the freezing cold on top of the roof of a building. Worrying that there is something wrong with the baby ( even though every test comes back with perfect results). Worrying about money, worrying that my house isn't clean enough, worrying about work, worrying about family that have issues.
And then I pray. And I let it go. And I hear his calming, soothing, wonderful voice resonate through my soul " It's all going to be ok." He always seems to tell me that.
He has given me so many promises about this pregnancy! He has given me so many promises period and they just amaze and flabbergast me.
The best part?
They always come true!
Every time, without fail.
He tells me to give burdens not meant for me to him, he tells me that things are fine, they are good, they are perfect...
And yet I still struggle with worry?
How ridiculous I must be! How insane, how silly! How little faith. What amazes me so much is that in the midst of my worry he continues to console me, to talk to me, love me, cuddle me in his perfect way. I don't trust him like I should, only the way that I can at the time... and he is so amazing that it's good enough for him that I keep listening and asking for his voice.
I am hoping that God keeps building my faith, he is so gentle with me! I think that listening to him will be the most valuable thing I have as I head into motherhood.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
love
This picture of baby toes is at the exact stage of development that my baby is at! Isn't that amazing for a little cahoot barely over two inches! The ultrasound that I had went fantastic I was so excited to see the baby move and to see the little heart beating!
I think that as all of this happens in my body I am becoming utterly obsessed with motherhood! As much as I love all the people in my life, I already know no one will hold the same place that this tiny child will. It makes me think about God in a different way.
He's my Dad.
Not only did he wait for nine months to see the child that had been developing away, but he knit me together with his own hands! He decided everything about me! He created me from end to end! How INCREDIBLY much he must love me, no matter what!!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
2nd prenatal
Another prenatal happened...
You know, the embarrassing one that includes hospital gowns, gloves, and stirrups... not the kind that you'd find in a saddle either.
I was a little nervous, but it seems that the more that I take God at his word and remember all that he has told me and promised me, the more blessed I realize that I am! It is amazing! I got the blood results back, apparently they decided to finish looking over the vials and vials of blood I gave. ( That was another adventure alltogether... The huge needle pushed into my vein, the vials taken, the slightly queasy, lightheaded feeling as I walked back out to the waiting room to meet my husband!) Everything was perfect. My blood type is a good compatible one, my hemoglobin was good, I am immune to everything I am supposed to be immune to.... all in all I am very healthy, and the HCG levels are right where they are supposed to be!
Then all that jazz happened, and she felt for my uterus, which is just the right size! Relief and joy swept over me! Joy of all joys everything is exaclty the way it is supposed to be! I am so amazed at the sheer power and delicacy of the miracle that is happening inside of me! At last my baby looks like a baby, though only a little over an inch long. It's little fingers and toes, nose and ears, are all perfect and just where they are supposed to be. In only three more days my baby officially passes out of the embryo stage and becomes a tiny fetus!
God is good, and I am so thankful that he answers my prayers!
You know, the embarrassing one that includes hospital gowns, gloves, and stirrups... not the kind that you'd find in a saddle either.
I was a little nervous, but it seems that the more that I take God at his word and remember all that he has told me and promised me, the more blessed I realize that I am! It is amazing! I got the blood results back, apparently they decided to finish looking over the vials and vials of blood I gave. ( That was another adventure alltogether... The huge needle pushed into my vein, the vials taken, the slightly queasy, lightheaded feeling as I walked back out to the waiting room to meet my husband!) Everything was perfect. My blood type is a good compatible one, my hemoglobin was good, I am immune to everything I am supposed to be immune to.... all in all I am very healthy, and the HCG levels are right where they are supposed to be!
Then all that jazz happened, and she felt for my uterus, which is just the right size! Relief and joy swept over me! Joy of all joys everything is exaclty the way it is supposed to be! I am so amazed at the sheer power and delicacy of the miracle that is happening inside of me! At last my baby looks like a baby, though only a little over an inch long. It's little fingers and toes, nose and ears, are all perfect and just where they are supposed to be. In only three more days my baby officially passes out of the embryo stage and becomes a tiny fetus!
God is good, and I am so thankful that he answers my prayers!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Anticipation.
Anticipation.
I swear I both love and hate it. God must love it because it's like Christmas all the time.
First I waited for a husband... impatiently... he brought me the perfect one at the perfect time.
Then I waited to get married...a little worried... nothing went wrong at all during the whole day.
Then I waited to get pregnant... when I least expected it I saw two pink lines.
Now I am waiting for this baby and my stomach to grow... and I am finally learning to just take God at his word and trust him.
He is so good.
I am so excited to meet this little person, this person that is only an inch long inside my body.
This little one that is only really felt by me.
I can't wait to feel the first kick! I can't wait till the first time that Travis feels the baby kick!
I can't wait till my first ultrasound and the first time I hear the heartbeat!
There is so much to anticipate!
I swear I both love and hate it. God must love it because it's like Christmas all the time.
First I waited for a husband... impatiently... he brought me the perfect one at the perfect time.
Then I waited to get married...a little worried... nothing went wrong at all during the whole day.
Then I waited to get pregnant... when I least expected it I saw two pink lines.
Now I am waiting for this baby and my stomach to grow... and I am finally learning to just take God at his word and trust him.
He is so good.
I am so excited to meet this little person, this person that is only an inch long inside my body.
This little one that is only really felt by me.
I can't wait to feel the first kick! I can't wait till the first time that Travis feels the baby kick!
I can't wait till my first ultrasound and the first time I hear the heartbeat!
There is so much to anticipate!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
positive tests
Ahhh it's been a while again. Oh well. I don't have access very often anymore. I suppose everyone ( particularily anyone who would read my blog) knows that I am pregnant! I am so excited. In the first week that I knew I think I did seven tests and giggled all over again every time that they were positive. I am waiting with baited breath for the arrival of a baby bump!
My slightly bloated belly just isn't doing it for me just yet. I can't wait till I can't see my feet.
So many people have asked me " What do you think? Is it a boy or a girl?" Well I couldn't tell you, we haven't chatted yet. At first I thought it is a boy for sure, but then a little later when the actual organs would be forming, I started thinking girl... which is my current stance.
So it depends on whether you believe in gut instinct or first response ( girls I couldn't help the pun, they are the best tests after all).
So far it has been a glorious adventure! Yes, glorious despite the vomiting each morning ( which I have down to a science now) the pickled carrots, and the sleepless nights. I love to watch my dear husband as he pats my belly and says in his most appealing baby talk voice, " Hello in there, little guy!"
REally, I am most in awe of God. The fact that in eight short weeks of pregnancy he is forming a perfect little being in my womb. My baby already has it's own set of perfect individual fingerprints, a heart that is beating far faster than mine, kidneys, lungs, a little nose... I have a perfect being inside of me that is only half an inch tall! I keep remembering the verse from Psalms, " I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made" and another one, " For you made me trust in you at my mother's breast, from birth I was cast upon you, from my mother's womb you have been my God!"
I pray every day that my child is growing close to God even now in his or her spirit, that God is raising this child up to be his very own. And the best part... God would never say no to a prayer like that. I think he loves to create, and I think he is even more excited than me!!
My slightly bloated belly just isn't doing it for me just yet. I can't wait till I can't see my feet.
So many people have asked me " What do you think? Is it a boy or a girl?" Well I couldn't tell you, we haven't chatted yet. At first I thought it is a boy for sure, but then a little later when the actual organs would be forming, I started thinking girl... which is my current stance.
So it depends on whether you believe in gut instinct or first response ( girls I couldn't help the pun, they are the best tests after all).
So far it has been a glorious adventure! Yes, glorious despite the vomiting each morning ( which I have down to a science now) the pickled carrots, and the sleepless nights. I love to watch my dear husband as he pats my belly and says in his most appealing baby talk voice, " Hello in there, little guy!"
REally, I am most in awe of God. The fact that in eight short weeks of pregnancy he is forming a perfect little being in my womb. My baby already has it's own set of perfect individual fingerprints, a heart that is beating far faster than mine, kidneys, lungs, a little nose... I have a perfect being inside of me that is only half an inch tall! I keep remembering the verse from Psalms, " I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made" and another one, " For you made me trust in you at my mother's breast, from birth I was cast upon you, from my mother's womb you have been my God!"
I pray every day that my child is growing close to God even now in his or her spirit, that God is raising this child up to be his very own. And the best part... God would never say no to a prayer like that. I think he loves to create, and I think he is even more excited than me!!
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
eyes
My puppies opened their eyes these last few days. I was so excited. They are beautiful puppies, but when they open thier eyes, something magical happens... they become so much more beautiful.
I wonder if it's like that for God.
Over and over in the bible he says it.
Open
your
eyes.
Those who have eyes, see. Those who have ears, hear.
My puppies have eyes, but the moment they opened them, they began to see. They became more real to me, more responsive to me, more wonderful to me.
When we open our eyes to truth, do we become more beautiful, more responsive to God?
It must be true that we close our eyes at times, and like a puppy whose eyes aren't open yet, we wander around aimlessly. Is it because we don't want to see things the way they are? Because something is blocking them? Is it because sometime we aren't comfortable seeing things the way that they really are? I kind of think so. I know I have closed my eyes at times.
We know that for us, opening our eyes is like coming out of a fog that closed everything in around us, and once again seeing the wide expanse of earth that is laid out before us.
Is it, for God, like watching a puppy finally open their eyes to the beautiful world around him?
I wonder if it's like that for God.
Over and over in the bible he says it.
Open
your
eyes.
Those who have eyes, see. Those who have ears, hear.
My puppies have eyes, but the moment they opened them, they began to see. They became more real to me, more responsive to me, more wonderful to me.
When we open our eyes to truth, do we become more beautiful, more responsive to God?
It must be true that we close our eyes at times, and like a puppy whose eyes aren't open yet, we wander around aimlessly. Is it because we don't want to see things the way they are? Because something is blocking them? Is it because sometime we aren't comfortable seeing things the way that they really are? I kind of think so. I know I have closed my eyes at times.
We know that for us, opening our eyes is like coming out of a fog that closed everything in around us, and once again seeing the wide expanse of earth that is laid out before us.
Is it, for God, like watching a puppy finally open their eyes to the beautiful world around him?
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
believe
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Maybe that's true. But it sucks. I find it hard to be away from Travis. I found out while I was home and my devoted Daddy took a look at my car that all of my tires were bald, my driveshaft was about to go, and there was a hole in my radiator. So... I am home for about three days longer than I had planned. I think that God stretches me that way because I am such a planner and when a wrench is thrown in my perfectly planned out days... I have to fight against freaking out!
But I still wonder about absence.
The bible says that right now we see through a glass darkly but one day we will see face to face. I wonder about that. Right now we are in the absence part.
It takes faith to be absent from someone that you love.
In marriage, it takes trusting yourself to be away from your husband, and trusting your husband to be faithful and the man that you know him to be while you are gone.
In our relationship with God, does it take trusting that both we, and he, is who he says that we are? I think it takes believing him that we are truly going to heaven. It takes a lot of believing. Maybe that is what makes our hearts fonder.
It teaches us to believe.
Maybe that's true. But it sucks. I find it hard to be away from Travis. I found out while I was home and my devoted Daddy took a look at my car that all of my tires were bald, my driveshaft was about to go, and there was a hole in my radiator. So... I am home for about three days longer than I had planned. I think that God stretches me that way because I am such a planner and when a wrench is thrown in my perfectly planned out days... I have to fight against freaking out!
But I still wonder about absence.
The bible says that right now we see through a glass darkly but one day we will see face to face. I wonder about that. Right now we are in the absence part.
It takes faith to be absent from someone that you love.
In marriage, it takes trusting yourself to be away from your husband, and trusting your husband to be faithful and the man that you know him to be while you are gone.
In our relationship with God, does it take trusting that both we, and he, is who he says that we are? I think it takes believing him that we are truly going to heaven. It takes a lot of believing. Maybe that is what makes our hearts fonder.
It teaches us to believe.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
grief
I'm really struggling with the reality of death. I know I've written about it a lot but it's just so hard. Ami had her puppies a week ago, and about four days ago one of her puppies, ( the runt) was almost dead. So I started helping to warm him up and feed him. He has kept me awake for night feedings for the last four days. I did everything I could to help him.
Today he wasn't normal. I knew that no matter what I did he just wasn't going to get better. It broke my heart. Absolutely broke it. I hated it. And then, as I was holding him to warm his cold body up, ontop of a hot water bottle, he started gasping for air. I knew he was dying, and all I could do was hold him and stroke him and pray for him. It didn't take very long. He gasped. Then he panicked that he couldn't breath. His tiny little arms that he is so weak he never normally moves, moved in an effort to breath, to no avail. I held him as he took his last breath, and fluid came out his nose and his mouth. It was horrible. The most horrible thing I have ever experienced. His little chest stopped heaving, and within ten minutes he was stiff and cold. I kissed him. I stroked him. I bawled like I haven't for a long time.
We buried him in the back yard, under a saskatoon tree where I used to play. And I cried. He was mine. I loved him so much. I tried so hard. I greived like a mother. I turned to God. I know that Tim is in heaven. I know because God showed me. It's just horrible and I hate it. But God had to have a plan in it.
When I think about how hard I tried, and how little good it did, I have a whole new compassion for God. No one tries harder than him, and the death he tries to save us from is not breif.
Today he wasn't normal. I knew that no matter what I did he just wasn't going to get better. It broke my heart. Absolutely broke it. I hated it. And then, as I was holding him to warm his cold body up, ontop of a hot water bottle, he started gasping for air. I knew he was dying, and all I could do was hold him and stroke him and pray for him. It didn't take very long. He gasped. Then he panicked that he couldn't breath. His tiny little arms that he is so weak he never normally moves, moved in an effort to breath, to no avail. I held him as he took his last breath, and fluid came out his nose and his mouth. It was horrible. The most horrible thing I have ever experienced. His little chest stopped heaving, and within ten minutes he was stiff and cold. I kissed him. I stroked him. I bawled like I haven't for a long time.
We buried him in the back yard, under a saskatoon tree where I used to play. And I cried. He was mine. I loved him so much. I tried so hard. I greived like a mother. I turned to God. I know that Tim is in heaven. I know because God showed me. It's just horrible and I hate it. But God had to have a plan in it.
When I think about how hard I tried, and how little good it did, I have a whole new compassion for God. No one tries harder than him, and the death he tries to save us from is not breif.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Home...
I've been thinking a lot lately about missing home.
In fact, I've been thinking about the question, where exactly IS home? Is home where I came from, where my parents are, where I was raised and where the first horse that ever bucked me off still lives? Is it the spot in the Gillard quarter where we camped in our little camper for weeks at a time, and I got to play house for the first time? I set up the camper, fed the boys off of the little propane stove, picked berries, rode horses for hours and hours... and I knew every nook and cranny of that quarter.
Is home where I lieved in Red Deer, my first real house, my first escapade all alone? Is it where I first learned so many truths about God, and came running back to him as my first love?
Is home CLBI where I met my husband, learned so much about love, belonging, frusteration, and God?
Or is home where I am now, my beautiful new home with my husband, where I have the new role of a wife, and where God just keeps building my faith; where I will have our children, where I will learn to love and give, expect and balance. Is it the future that I have, the assurance that I am and always will be loved by the best man on earth?
Is home where the heart is?
Because my heart is in a million places! Sometimes my heart is in places I haven't even been to yet, like in Mexico, on a mission that I want to go on so badly. My heart is where I grew up, where I grew to, and where I am now. Home is pretty spread out if that's where home is.
But then I thought, where is my heart...
above all?
With God.
Wherever he is.
My heart has a home. My heart's home isn't here. It's at home when I know that I AM where God wants me to be.
Ulimtately, my heart is at home when it knows where it is going.
Heaven.
Literally.
In fact, I've been thinking about the question, where exactly IS home? Is home where I came from, where my parents are, where I was raised and where the first horse that ever bucked me off still lives? Is it the spot in the Gillard quarter where we camped in our little camper for weeks at a time, and I got to play house for the first time? I set up the camper, fed the boys off of the little propane stove, picked berries, rode horses for hours and hours... and I knew every nook and cranny of that quarter.
Is home where I lieved in Red Deer, my first real house, my first escapade all alone? Is it where I first learned so many truths about God, and came running back to him as my first love?
Is home CLBI where I met my husband, learned so much about love, belonging, frusteration, and God?
Or is home where I am now, my beautiful new home with my husband, where I have the new role of a wife, and where God just keeps building my faith; where I will have our children, where I will learn to love and give, expect and balance. Is it the future that I have, the assurance that I am and always will be loved by the best man on earth?
Is home where the heart is?
Because my heart is in a million places! Sometimes my heart is in places I haven't even been to yet, like in Mexico, on a mission that I want to go on so badly. My heart is where I grew up, where I grew to, and where I am now. Home is pretty spread out if that's where home is.
But then I thought, where is my heart...
above all?
With God.
Wherever he is.
My heart has a home. My heart's home isn't here. It's at home when I know that I AM where God wants me to be.
Ulimtately, my heart is at home when it knows where it is going.
Heaven.
Literally.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
camoflauge
" I am basically a good person."
We all know that as the buzz words of someone who does not want to just believe in God. It's the sophisticated shortcut, the way to ensure, that if there is indeed a heaven, you'll get in. Just be basically a good person.
What does that even mean?
Does it mean that you wash your hair, brush your teeth, and present a shining appearance before yourself, the world, and God?
Does it mean you give a few loonies to the guy at Salvation Army around Christmas time?
Does it mean that you've never killed anyone?
What I wonder is this... why are people thinking that they are the same as christians because they do a few good deeds? Are we really that camofouged? I mean, we all know that we are saved by grace, but do we remember that we are supposed to still do good works? We are saved by grace so that we will WANT to do good works. I wonder, do we do this? Or, do we do the same thing as everyone else, not admitting to ourselves that we are just trying to be " a basically good christian?" We need to come out of hiding. We need to be bold. We need to risk everything for Jesus. We need to reach that place where we are so close to God we know that we would willingly give him everything. We need to go beyond basically good christians and start trying to be Jesus. We need to open our eyes.
Come out of hiding, the sunshine feels good.
We all know that as the buzz words of someone who does not want to just believe in God. It's the sophisticated shortcut, the way to ensure, that if there is indeed a heaven, you'll get in. Just be basically a good person.
What does that even mean?
Does it mean that you wash your hair, brush your teeth, and present a shining appearance before yourself, the world, and God?
Does it mean you give a few loonies to the guy at Salvation Army around Christmas time?
Does it mean that you've never killed anyone?
What I wonder is this... why are people thinking that they are the same as christians because they do a few good deeds? Are we really that camofouged? I mean, we all know that we are saved by grace, but do we remember that we are supposed to still do good works? We are saved by grace so that we will WANT to do good works. I wonder, do we do this? Or, do we do the same thing as everyone else, not admitting to ourselves that we are just trying to be " a basically good christian?" We need to come out of hiding. We need to be bold. We need to risk everything for Jesus. We need to reach that place where we are so close to God we know that we would willingly give him everything. We need to go beyond basically good christians and start trying to be Jesus. We need to open our eyes.
Come out of hiding, the sunshine feels good.
Monday, September 10, 2007
predictability ( enjoy the video)
So I am attempting to upload a video for my blog, something that I have never tried before. I wonder, will it work?I guess we will see. If any men actually take the venture and attempt to read my blog, sorry, this one is aimed at the girls. It's all about being beautiful, because that's what God is teaching me lately. Enjoy the scenery, and for those of you I've made famous ( meaning you are in the video) be blessed instead of outraged, ok?
I think that God has been making a point of showing me how unpredictable he is lately. For a long time i thought " Just find your niche, settle in, and things probably won't change for a while." I have found that God is just not like that.
I always wondered about Noah. I wonder if he looked at God and thought " Are you nuts? You told us to multiply and fill the earth; we are just starting to make a dent in filling it, and you want to kill everyone and start again! God, I thought that you didn't change!"
He doesn't.
His character is always the same.
But he likes to keep us on our toes.
" You really think that you have me figured out? The one who created all of the species covering land, sky, and sea? The one who makes each snowflake distincly different? The one who delights in the smallest things, and orchestrates the biggest ones? You really think that you have me in a nutshell? Well, lets see if you knew this about me!"
It makes him interesting. It makes him mysterious. It makes him powerful.
It makes him God.
So, why should I be surprised when he gives me a ministry, just to change it into another ministry? When he takes the biggest mistakes in my life and gives them a purpose? Why should I be surprised that sometimes he seems to contradict himself? He doesn't, he just sees a MUCH MUCH bigger picture!
God is unpredictable. It's interesting, because I have always said that I detest predictablity.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
interact.
We serve a God that delights in teaching us through things that make us go " what?"
Something that I have discovered over time is that God uses the little things, the hard things, the difficult things to turn us to him. For a long time I have known this, but the second part of the process wasn't so readily visable just a little while ago.
You know, the part where we have to submit to it. The part where we have to look to God in the midst of our distress and say " Ok God what exactly are you trying to teach me?" I think that unless we reach that point in the middle of our frusteration and confusion, God will just keep on giving us the same lesson over and over again.
" What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly." Joni Erikson Tada.
We don't learn by absorption. If we did, I'm sure school and college would be a whole lot easier for all of us... walk in, absorb some knowledge, walk out smarter. No, we aren't created that way.
We are created to have to look for help. We are created so that we question and test and wonder, and finally, the light comes on; excited, stunned, and exstatic, we realize that we've got it. We figured it out.
We are designed to be interactive.
Marketting companies have had that figured out for years. Put a game on the end of a DVD. Invent a million kinds of video games. Teach interactively. Initiate conversation. Interact.
I realize that very often we don't interact with God. We notice the canvas of stars stretching across the sky, but we don't think to stop, thank him, wait for a response. We realize that we are going through something hard in our lives and that God might use it, but we don't go to him, asking him to show us what he is trying to teach us.
I think that we need to become a lot more interactive with God and a lot less passive about our relationship with him. I wonder how many more lessons he could teach us in a lifetime if we would look to him every time something hurts, and try to figure out what he is teaching us.
God uses the hard stuff.
When we let him.
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