believe

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Maybe that's true. But it sucks. I find it hard to be away from Travis. I found out while I was home and my devoted Daddy took a look at my car that all of my tires were bald, my driveshaft was about to go, and there was a hole in my radiator. So... I am home for about three days longer than I had planned. I think that God stretches me that way because I am such a planner and when a wrench is thrown in my perfectly planned out days... I have to fight against freaking out!

But I still wonder about absence.

The bible says that right now we see through a glass darkly but one day we will see face to face. I wonder about that. Right now we are in the absence part.

It takes faith to be absent from someone that you love.

In marriage, it takes trusting yourself to be away from your husband, and trusting your husband to be faithful and the man that you know him to be while you are gone.

In our relationship with God, does it take trusting that both we, and he, is who he says that we are? I think it takes believing him that we are truly going to heaven. It takes a lot of believing. Maybe that is what makes our hearts fonder.

It teaches us to believe.

grief

I'm really struggling with the reality of death. I know I've written about it a lot but it's just so hard. Ami had her puppies a week ago, and about four days ago one of her puppies, ( the runt) was almost dead. So I started helping to warm him up and feed him. He has kept me awake for night feedings for the last four days. I did everything I could to help him.

Today he wasn't normal. I knew that no matter what I did he just wasn't going to get better. It broke my heart. Absolutely broke it. I hated it. And then, as I was holding him to warm his cold body up, ontop of a hot water bottle, he started gasping for air. I knew he was dying, and all I could do was hold him and stroke him and pray for him. It didn't take very long. He gasped. Then he panicked that he couldn't breath. His tiny little arms that he is so weak he never normally moves, moved in an effort to breath, to no avail. I held him as he took his last breath, and fluid came out his nose and his mouth. It was horrible. The most horrible thing I have ever experienced. His little chest stopped heaving, and within ten minutes he was stiff and cold. I kissed him. I stroked him. I bawled like I haven't for a long time.

We buried him in the back yard, under a saskatoon tree where I used to play. And I cried. He was mine. I loved him so much. I tried so hard. I greived like a mother. I turned to God. I know that Tim is in heaven. I know because God showed me. It's just horrible and I hate it. But God had to have a plan in it.

When I think about how hard I tried, and how little good it did, I have a whole new compassion for God. No one tries harder than him, and the death he tries to save us from is not breif.

Home...

I've been thinking a lot lately about missing home.

In fact, I've been thinking about the question, where exactly IS home? Is home where I came from, where my parents are, where I was raised and where the first horse that ever bucked me off still lives? Is it the spot in the Gillard quarter where we camped in our little camper for weeks at a time, and I got to play house for the first time? I set up the camper, fed the boys off of the little propane stove, picked berries, rode horses for hours and hours... and I knew every nook and cranny of that quarter.

Is home where I lieved in Red Deer, my first real house, my first escapade all alone? Is it where I first learned so many truths about God, and came running back to him as my first love?

Is home CLBI where I met my husband, learned so much about love, belonging, frusteration, and God?

Or is home where I am now, my beautiful new home with my husband, where I have the new role of a wife, and where God just keeps building my faith; where I will have our children, where I will learn to love and give, expect and balance. Is it the future that I have, the assurance that I am and always will be loved by the best man on earth?

Is home where the heart is?

Because my heart is in a million places! Sometimes my heart is in places I haven't even been to yet, like in Mexico, on a mission that I want to go on so badly. My heart is where I grew up, where I grew to, and where I am now. Home is pretty spread out if that's where home is.

But then I thought, where is my heart...

above all?

With God.

Wherever he is.

My heart has a home. My heart's home isn't here. It's at home when I know that I AM where God wants me to be.

Ulimtately, my heart is at home when it knows where it is going.

Heaven.

Literally.

camoflauge

" I am basically a good person."

We all know that as the buzz words of someone who does not want to just believe in God. It's the sophisticated shortcut, the way to ensure, that if there is indeed a heaven, you'll get in. Just be basically a good person.

What does that even mean?

Does it mean that you wash your hair, brush your teeth, and present a shining appearance before yourself, the world, and God?

Does it mean you give a few loonies to the guy at Salvation Army around Christmas time?

Does it mean that you've never killed anyone?

What I wonder is this... why are people thinking that they are the same as christians because they do a few good deeds? Are we really that camofouged? I mean, we all know that we are saved by grace, but do we remember that we are supposed to still do good works? We are saved by grace so that we will WANT to do good works. I wonder, do we do this? Or, do we do the same thing as everyone else, not admitting to ourselves that we are just trying to be " a basically good christian?" We need to come out of hiding. We need to be bold. We need to risk everything for Jesus. We need to reach that place where we are so close to God we know that we would willingly give him everything. We need to go beyond basically good christians and start trying to be Jesus. We need to open our eyes.

Come out of hiding, the sunshine feels good.

predictability ( enjoy the video)

So I am attempting to upload a video for my blog, something that I have never tried before. I wonder, will it work?I guess we will see. If any men actually take the venture and attempt to read my blog, sorry, this one is aimed at the girls. It's all about being beautiful, because that's what God is teaching me lately. Enjoy the scenery, and for those of you I've made famous ( meaning you are in the video) be blessed instead of outraged, ok?

I think that God has been making a point of showing me how unpredictable he is lately. For a long time i thought " Just find your niche, settle in, and things probably won't change for a while." I have found that God is just not like that.

I always wondered about Noah. I wonder if he looked at God and thought " Are you nuts? You told us to multiply and fill the earth; we are just starting to make a dent in filling it, and you want to kill everyone and start again! God, I thought that you didn't change!"

He doesn't.

His character is always the same.

But he likes to keep us on our toes.

" You really think that you have me figured out? The one who created all of the species covering land, sky, and sea? The one who makes each snowflake distincly different? The one who delights in the smallest things, and orchestrates the biggest ones? You really think that you have me in a nutshell? Well, lets see if you knew this about me!"

It makes him interesting. It makes him mysterious. It makes him powerful.

It makes him God.

So, why should I be surprised when he gives me a ministry, just to change it into another ministry? When he takes the biggest mistakes in my life and gives them a purpose? Why should I be surprised that sometimes he seems to contradict himself? He doesn't, he just sees a MUCH MUCH bigger picture!

God is unpredictable. It's interesting, because I have always said that I detest predictablity.

interact.

We serve a God that delights in teaching us through things that make us go " what?"

Something that I have discovered over time is that God uses the little things, the hard things, the difficult things to turn us to him. For a long time I have known this, but the second part of the process wasn't so readily visable just a little while ago.

You know, the part where we have to submit to it. The part where we have to look to God in the midst of our distress and say " Ok God what exactly are you trying to teach me?" I think that unless we reach that point in the middle of our frusteration and confusion, God will just keep on giving us the same lesson over and over again.

" What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly." Joni Erikson Tada.

We don't learn by absorption. If we did, I'm sure school and college would be a whole lot easier for all of us... walk in, absorb some knowledge, walk out smarter. No, we aren't created that way.

We are created to have to look for help. We are created so that we question and test and wonder, and finally, the light comes on; excited, stunned, and exstatic, we realize that we've got it. We figured it out.

We are designed to be interactive.

Marketting companies have had that figured out for years. Put a game on the end of a DVD. Invent a million kinds of video games. Teach interactively. Initiate conversation. Interact.

I realize that very often we don't interact with God. We notice the canvas of stars stretching across the sky, but we don't think to stop, thank him, wait for a response. We realize that we are going through something hard in our lives and that God might use it, but we don't go to him, asking him to show us what he is trying to teach us.

I think that we need to become a lot more interactive with God and a lot less passive about our relationship with him. I wonder how many more lessons he could teach us in a lifetime if we would look to him every time something hurts, and try to figure out what he is teaching us.

God uses the hard stuff.

When we let him.

beautiful

Lately I am struck with all of the beauty around me. The sunset that I can see from my window, the mountains that are visible, just their silouette on the far edge of the horizon. I notice the beauty in a pregnant woman's eyes, like she knows a secret that no one else does... like the mona lisa.

Sometimes the simplest things are beautiful. My husband's hands, calloused from spending the day making money for us; the old Lady walking around the market, every line in her face a precious reminder of the wisdom that she holds in her heart. There is so much around us that is beautiful.

And out of all this beauty, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

More beautiful than the sunset that streaks across the sky in blazing shards of orange, burgundy, sage, gold, and dark blue. Mor beautiful than the delicate petals of the rose that Travis brought home for me, to sit, just because it is so perfect, on my table for a while. More beautiful than the wide expanse of land that I can see from my window, the light gold wheat swaying in the wind. More beautiful than the rainbow that dashes across the sky, reminding us that God isn't going to give up on us.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am made by God. Not Leanardo DaVince, not Michelangelo, not Picasso... God. His works speak of the kind of artist that he is.

I am made in his very image.

He is refining me, like gold, like a diamond. I am becoming more beautiful every day.

Not because I try. Not because I wake up and put on makeup and do my hair. No. My beauty is something that is deep, rich, a secret that I carry within me, a smile on my lips. My beauty is not tarnishable. It is a quiet heart, it is a grain of faith, it is love in my eyes.

In the eyes of God, I am beautiful.

This should be every woman's song, the song that she sings in her heart.

little things

Sometimes it's the little things in life that just lift my heart... or affect my mood, whatever it is.
I notice so many little things about people. Today, I went to the library and looked through the books that are weeded out, and picked five, which costed one whole dollar. Honestly, who could leave behind the chance to get a literary wonder for only twenty cents? I didn't, however, have change for the books.

" Happy wedding!" The librarian said with a big smile, only three months late, and popped a loonie in the drawer.

Made my day.

Just a little thing.

Then I started to think about when I am wandering around IKEA by myself, waiting for Travis to get out of the bathroom. I bumped into someone, smiled at them, and said " Oh, I'm so sorry! " With all sincerity. She looked at me, scowled, and walked the other direction. Then, I said sorry to someone else when I didn't think I had done anything wrong. Again, I got the scowl and saw the back of her head.

Had they had too many icky little things happen to them? I wonder if they just stopped caring, stopped enjoying the little things, like a cheerful apology from a complete stranger in IKEA.

I thought that perhaps, I should pay more attention to the little things. The smiles, the flowers, the sunsets. God does a million little things for me every day. And then, when someone cuts me off in traffic, hopefully I won't scowl in their direction.

fights

I think that confrontation must just be a part of life. Today I told someone that I thought there was a distinct difference between lovingly confronting someone, and letting anger festure inside, or even take over outwardly. I hope that this is true. It seems to me that God has been taking me on a long road of learning to confront lately. I think I am finally starting to get a little bit more comfortable with it.

It is interesting to me, because Travis has been telling me for a long time that I need to start confronting people when they do something that offends me, or what I believe. Maybe he was sick of hearing about how frusterated I was. Or maybe he had a point. He is supposed to be my spiritual leader, so there must be something to what he says.

It really has been a lot of things lately that God has been calling me to confront. what is interesting is that God has not told me to confront anyone in the same way as anyone else. Maybe that is one way to know that it is God. He is a good trainer. He knows our inner workings. He knows that what would make someone like me cry, just might make someone else think a little bit.

I have also been learning to leave the outcome up to God. Trust must be something that we continue to learn our whole lives, because God certainly does not let up in teaching me trust. Maybe that is because I haven't learned the lesson yet, or maybe I have come a long way but I won't 'be there' until heaven. First I started to learn to trust God with issues in my own life. Husband, ( bravo God), Children ( hurry up God... oh, wait, I trust you), house, ( bravo God) and other things, come to think of it, He IS pretty darn trustworthy. After I learned to start trusting God with my life, he started teaching me to trust him with others. I have always had a hard time because I have worried about hurting others feelings, offending them, saying the wrong thing, or making someone not like me. God is teaching me now to say what he wants me to say, and leave the outcome up to him. It's harder than it sounds.

Interesting that this little course of events came after God taught me about the abomination of tolerance. I truly am starting to believe that speaking the truth in love reaps beautiful results, including much more freedom in me than when I stew inwardly with my concerns and difficulties.

I really do think that a clean fight when added to a healthy resolution equals intimacy. And the resolution does not have to come from the person. It can come from God and build beautiful intimacy with Him as well.

imitation.

God has been directing my thoughts about marriage lately. I think that God has made marriage a collage of so many parallells. I start think about marriage, and i end up thinking about the christian life in general.

I was reading Ephesians 5. There are so many parts of being a christian that simply aren't convenient, and sometimes I think that we throw them away, toss them far from our minds, banish them to who knows where.

Verse one says' " Therefore be imitators of God as dear children." What a way to start a thought process. We are to be imitators of God. I think about the times that I get mad at Travis, or I "slip" and say a swear word. I think about the times that Travis gets mad at other drivers or flips off his boss. These are not Jesus moments. When we do this we are not doing a good job of imitating Christ.

Imitating God means that we have to be like him. Just like him. We have to strive to do what he does, think what he thinks, have the same opinions that he does. This is something we do in private, or in front of others. We don't really have to strive to be a wittness, we only have to strive to imitate Jesus.

Tolerance is something that seems to have found it's home in the christian faith recently. In fact, tolerance is preached everywhere by christians and non christians alike.

" Sure I heard that she was drinking and moving in with her boyfriend, but I wont confront her about it.

Hmm. Interesting. The funny thing is, tolerance is not supported by scripture. Verses 5 and 6 say,
Let no one decieve you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them.

This does not sound like tolerance to me. i am forced to examine myself. How often do I pretend not to notice sin. God hates sin. I am sinning by ignoring sin.How often do I excuse someone because I donèt have the guts to say that what they are doing is wrong.

Jesus was a complex man. Learning to imitate him will take a lifetime. I am so excited to get started.

life

It's late, or should I say early. I don't know what possesses me to work where I am nearing the end of my workday at five in the morning. I must be crazy. AT least I brought my laptop. Interesting the way I have a cup of nasty old coffee, a half eaten peice of pizza, and a notebook and I feel compelled to write in my blog.

Wisdom? Perhaps not. Who really knows?

We lost someone else today. I am so afraid that I will become hard to it. To death, to loss. It seems so strange that one minute we are hugging people's bodies, caressing them, kissing their foreheads, holding their hands... and the next day; the next hour, they are gone. Their bodies are void of themselves. They are a shell. Empty. Their body does not give them any sort of satisfaction any longer. They don't even care about it anymore.

I just walked out of the nursing station and found someone peeing on the floor. He just stuck himself out the door enough to ensure that the pee did not land in his room, but all over the hallway floor instead, running down it in a yellow stream. I told him to go back to bed. He said ok, and then did. Interesting. I really have to admit that it is interesting. I wonder, am I simply become a better nurse, or am I in some way becoming cold, becoming distant.
e
But then I remember all of the kisses on the forehead, all the times that I have sang to them, all the times I have taken the time to make them tea. I am not cold. Perhaps I am just seeing life in one more way.

Makes me wonder how many ways God sees life.

washing feet

Sometimes I think that I am a morbid person. I don't think I really am... it's just that all of a sudden death is so close to me.

I guess death isn't close to me, personally, but all of a sudden I just can't ignore it anymore. It's close, not immanent, but close.

We've lost two people at work in the last two months. I was close to both of them. It's funny that you get so close to people who sometimes don't even remember who you are. Sometimes I really wonder about what causes dimensia. Every person that we have at work has some sort of story behind them, they were raped, they were abused... could dimensia be a stronghold running rampant? I really think so, because the more that I pray the more miracles I see.

We have one lady who is a vegetable. I have never even seen her lok at someone, let alone make any attempt to talk. One day I was changing her, and singing amazing grace. She looked right at me and said " Just keep singing." A miracle, right there.

We have one lady who really annoys most people. She scared the heck out of me when I first started. However, she talks about Jesus all the time. Finally I started praying for her, all the time. I started talking to her about Jesus, I started singing with her, praying with her, quoting scripture with her. I have never had trouble with her again. Now, when I walk in, she remembers me and gives me her prayer requests. Miracle in the works? I really think so. Not long ago she prayed for ME.

I know that life is a sequence of choices and opportunities. Maybe this is my opportunity to see what spiritual warfare on a whole other level is. Maybe this is my opportunity to wash the disciples feet, or their bums when they accidentally mess in their drawers.

I keep thinking of the scripture that says " If you give one of these a glass of water because they are mine, you surely will not lose your reward." and " Do not grow weary in welldoing." My job is taxing, but I really beilieve that it is where I am called to.

Washing the disciples feet.

Well, I suppose it is finally time to add to my blog. It's been ages and ages, but I finally got a library membership, aka access to a computer with high speed. Halelujah.

So, married life is merry. The house comes soon, which will be a really big relief for me. It seems like life has been kind of stressful lately, or at least that is how I feel. Maybe it's the combination of working with a lot of people who don't remember me at all, in a place where staff abuse is common place... ( I'll get into that more later), living with my in-laws, although I love them it will be far less stressful to have a house just to ourselves.

Or, maybe stress is when we rebel against God's plan for us. When I think to myself, ' the way this lady is swearing at me is crap!' instead of listening for just where he wants me in the situation. Just maybe. Or, just maybe it is because I get mad at invasions of privacy and differences in opinion instead of asking God, ' how do you want me to be an instrument here? What do you want me to do? What do you want me to learn?'

I'll let you know how it goes.

salmon

Only 30 days left. There is so much to be thankful for. I was praying today with Joyce, and God told me he would give us a home... and then when I got back Travis said that an apartment just became available and we can view it on Saturday. This excites me to a great Extent! I am so looking forward to having a home, with which I can bless my husband, and other people. I really hope that God blesses this! And I really believe that he will!

I find giftings funny. No matter how much you detest a person, when you look at them, shouldn't you be able to distinguish at least one gifting? I really think we should. When God created the world, he said several times, " It is good!" So, when he creates, things are good. He created each of us, we are each good. Of course, every one of us is corrupted by Satan. In order for our gifts to really shine, we need to dedicate them to God, so that Satan cannot reach or corrupt them. It is just neat to me how the seed to be great, and to be gifted is in each of us. God really does love to create.

It's funny, I was thinking about perseverance, and persecution. It seems like any idea that may be seen as a little radical is so easily looked down on by many, even Christians. I think this is really strange, considering that Jesus was radical. For example, many people don't like the idea of us homeschooling. We are homeschooling so that we can take our children out of a world that is SICK, corrupted, polluted, and discusting. In proverbs the bible says that " A companion of fools, a fool will become." It also says " Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child." So why would we set our kids up to be foolish? God is wisdom. Foolishness is opposite of wisdom. I think you get where I am going with this. I don't need to mention the sick stuff that goes on in schools, because anyone who hasn't closed their eyes to it knows exactly what I'm talking about.

The other radical thing that we are doing is choosing to have as many children as God will give us. This is a choice we have come to based on what we believe God has called us to do. We would never push it on anyone else, but it's what we believe, and yes, it means not using birth control ( which by the way is supposed to make sex way better and less distracted). We want to trust God with this. God is a God who loves to create. We want to invite him to do that. It is very clear through the whole bible that God is fully capable of both opening and closing wombs. God also says he will care for each of his children. I can see nothing but blessing from choosing to submit that part of ourselves to God, and inviting him to create an army from us. Trust has never been something Jesus looked at and scowled at. He never once said " don't give it to me just use your brain."

So really, I guess we're the salmons swimming against the current. But, my always questioning mind says " doesn't that mean we have something right?"

kittens and ponies

Ahhhh I really do love my life. After days and days of stress about finding a place to rent ( there are none in vulcan), we have gotten the most exciting news! We can live in a holiday trailer until we get a trailer put on the land that Travis's parents are giving us! I am so excited! A month ago the thought of living in a holiday trailer would have been daunting, but i think I am up for the challenge!

MOSTLY what I am so excited about is this land that we get! That means I can have my horse, and we can have our dogs, and I can plant a garden, and our kids will grow up on a farm!! I am so excited to go house shopping and find what we can put on our land! Really, just when I start yelling at God he always laughs at me and goes " You thought you were getting a kitten, princess? Well, here's your pony!"

marriage

I take thee, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance, and thereto I give you my promise.

With this ring, I thee wed, with my body, I thee worship, and with all of my worldly goods, I thee endow.

The book of common prayer, 1552.

The jewish marriage contract sounds like this, from the groom to his bride.

" Be consecrated unto me as my wife, according to the laws of Israel. I will love, honour, and cherish you; I will protect you and support you, and I will faithfully care for all of your needs." The bride then says to her groom, " In accepting this wedding ring, I pledge you all of my love and devotion, and I take upon myself all of the duties of a wife."

The closer our wedding comes the more I find myself thinking, " What is marriage?" And really, should I be able to answer this question best now, a month after I have said I do, or when we celebrate our 50th anniversary? What is marriage? Is it washing his socks for the rest of his life, buying him underwear when he runs out, ironing his shirts so he looks great as my cowboy? Is it delighting in cooking him meals forever, in washing the hair off the sink when he's done shaving, in making him cheesecake to fulfil his insatiable craving? Is it thinking of him before me when I go grocery shopping and buying more than just apples and yogurt?

There is so many chores to marriage. I see them already as a school going engaged couple. Soemtimes the frustrate me, but really, there is nothing that I would rather do than take care of him. I would never let any one take my place as the woman who makes his bed in the morning, strokes his head when he's sick, makes budget sheets with him, and serves him swiss steak.

Maybe that is the exact attitude that has something to do with marriage. Maybe that is what real love is. Live long enough and anyone realises that love is not comprised of attraction when the other person looks their best and butterflies in the stomach. Love is something of sustanence. Love is loving the other person when they are sick in a hospital bed and their head is blown up because of pain drugs. Love is when you say yes to doing something the other person wants to do, because they want to do it, even when you don't. Love is trusting the other person's decisions when you think you could have done better. Love is when you fight and yell and cry and never have a fear or a doubt about the other person's love or devotion for you. Love is walking hand in hand after a fight. Love is something you can only learn about when you're in it.

But i think to myself... that's only the beginning! The VERY VERY beginning. Then, is marriage about our first positive pregnancy test? When I still do his laundry and he runs to town to help my craving? Is it when I push our first baby out and he cuts the umbilical cord? Is it about the first time the little one says " mamama" or " dadada"? Is it about the first time we discipline, or when number two comes along? Is it about creating and raising miracles together?

or... is it about being united when they are teenagers? About standing strong as a united force?

or... is it about waiting till the grandkids come, and telling them stories, and still kissing in front of them when we are eighty, and we see the army of God that has been raised up just because we fell into love and married each other?

or... is it about dying, as the best of friends, knowing every thought and secret the other person has, knowing that we share the same God and the same major love, knowing that we are going to the same place........

or is it all of that?

dogs

Am I the border collie? I think about this. Mom is a stock dog trainer. How many people, ( not to mention dogs) don't understand what it is to be a working dog? They are different than any other kind of dog on the planet. They think differently. They usually don't even get along with other dogs, unless they are herders too. They have a specific job.

Not that other breeds of dogs don't have jobs. Imortant jobs. They all have to be able to snuggle with their owner, protect their family, sleep on the deck. Some of them run, some guide blind people, some hunt. They are all important. But... none of them understand the border collie.

I feel like I am the border collie. No one here understands me. I've tried to just be like every one else but I can't... I'm not. My giftings are just a little bit different. My heart has a purpose that is just a little bit different.

Can a border collie learn to survive with a group of labs? I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. Every day feels a little longer. I'm fighting depression. I'm longing for the freedom to run in a trial, and gracefully herd the sheep to where they are supposed to be.

Two months.

knight

Life really hasn't slowed down at all. I feel like all life does is pick up speed and leave me reeling, desperately reeling, trying so hard to catch up with it. Everyone wants more from me. I'm not spending enough time with the " community" I'm not available enough. I can't work enough shifts. I am not sharing my rock of a husband ( to be) enough. It's crazy. It's ridiculous. I want out of this bubble place, this fake, false existence.

Yesterday we got heck for hugging in public. In what strange phase of the universe to adults who are getting married get in trouble for hugging? I assure you, it was a completely appropriate hug. I laid my head on his shoulder. Sometimes I struggle with feeling like the world is out to get me.

BUT THEN, last night my hubby made me so happy it was unbelievable. Someone was accusing me of not trying to make new freind ships with the girls, and I was having a really hard time sticking up for myself.

So Travis did it for me. He told her that it is not my fault that the girls don't know what it means to be a realy christian and they talk about me behind my back. He said that I cry every night, so why would I want to spend time with the people who are doing this to me? He said that if anyone so much as blamed anything on me once more he would take what's left of our tuition and we would leave. He asked her why she would expect me to be the only vulnerable one in a room full of hypocrites.

He was my knight in shining armour! It was amazing!

good

Today is shaping up beautifully! Class was great, really encouraging. Although it was really hard to take time to study, I loved the way he taught and the simple, Godly principles in Proverbs. I esspecuially loved today when he talked about children and how many children are a blessing from God. Travis and I decided we want as many as God will give us! Why not trust him?

I'm looking forward to the weekend. Today we are heading out to see my grandparents, and tomorro I work early, at 7:00 am. Then Sunday we are helping a mature student here, Dave, move. All in all it should be a great weekend, and I am feeling encouraged and close to Jesus.

Good to feel good. Better to know everything is good.

gotta fix that.

So, life continues. It's not in a bad direction... at all. I love life. Today was a good day. Sometimes the mix of feminine hormones, and the stress of balancing ( or at least attempting to) school work, friend time, my relationship with my hubby, work, and the masses of wedding planning leave me feeling like the roof will cave in. But it doesn't. I keep going. Remembering that we only have 108 days until I am married, and will never have to share living space with 35 girls ever again, seems to help me maintain some amount of sanity.

Spats. Conflict. Controversy. I am not good at them. I put up a facade. A mask, if you will. The tough cowgirl. The one who can take on the world. I may be little but I'm strong. Then, I try to back up my big tough claims with a vast amount of picking tiny little fights. Silly ones. Giving someone heck when really it doesn't even matter to me. Or when the person doesn't matter to me. But when something really matters I have such a hard time. I would rather swallow the hurt and not say anything. So my anxiety builds. It eats me. I think I am so afraid of people not liking me, or of people loving me less because I actually stated my feelings, that I hurt myself.
I've gotta fix that.